ALICE — “Rampant ridiculousness, insanity, and sex. Oh, so much sex.”

ALICE

Cal Vista Pictures/Cheeky Monkey

Directed by Erica McLean

WEIRDOS AND WANKERS Sunny Lane, Evan Stone, Aiden Starr, Andy San Dimas, April Flores, Katie St. Ives, Kimberly Kane, CJ Wright, Michael Pacino, Otto Bauer, Seth Gamble, Nicki Hunter

I’m pretty embarrassed to admit this, degenerates. You all know that despite my constant battering of you bedraggled, befuddled, drug-addled, and porn-addicted fools, I count myself as one amongst your number: I am as filthy, morally degraded, deeply troubled, and drug-addled as yourselves. Possibly—probably—more so. But despite my years of abusing hallucinogenic and otherwise psychotropic drugs of all descriptions, Alice in Wonderland has always been a mystery to me. I mean, sure, who doesn’t love a story that makes more sense when you’re under the influence of two or more illegal substances? But I never felt like I got the story of Alice’s descent into madness. There were some political, or literary, or something else undertones that I wasn’t getting, so I could never figure the damn thing out. It was a fun book and a fun movie (several movies, actually), and I love watching a little girl eat shrooms and all, but it just wasn’t my style. It was always couched in such obnoxiously PG terms that although I could see the debauchery it represented, I was left flat.

That is, until I got an advance copy (yeah, that’s how I roll, you scum) of Cal Vista Pictures’ Alice. Finally, the enduring tale of one girl’s (Sunny Lane) adventures in a land of bizarre-o world splendor, with the cute overtones ripped off to reveal its raucous, raunchy, degraded truth. Rampant ridiculousness, insanity, and sex. Oh, so much sex. And I get sex. For the first time ever, I felt like I connected with Alice on a very, um… visceral level. Or maybe a vaginal one.

First of all, Sunny Lane really is the perfect Alice Gone Wild, with her sweet face, big eyes, and bangin’ booty. Evan Stone as the mad Hatter? Really, could anyone else have done it? And, I know it’s a porn geek comment (is there such a thing as a porn geek? or are we all just perverted freaks?), but the cinematography in this flick is fucking fantastic. It’s shot like an endless, drug-fueled music video. The makeup is ridonkulously fun; the music really brings back the fun of old-school bow-chick-a-wow-wow porno funk, with a modern edge; and the sex? Oh, the sex. Oh, so much sex. Such good, glorious, gooey sex.

After Andy San Dimas’s White Rabbit dresses Alice up in clothes appropriate for going down the “dirty hole,” which is a motherfucking hell of a night club, Andy San Dimas and Aiden Starr’s (Tweedle Dee) dykey doings were so dirty I almost didn’t make it through the movie because I wanted to put it on repeat. Lucky for you, I forced myself to move on after only two play-with-myself sessions to view The Caterpillar’s (Otto Bauer) sleazy seduction, in which he shows Alice how mushrooms can grow, and gooze, amidst hookah smoke and humping. April Flores, the Queen of Hearts, displays her truly regal royal titties for touching, then gets fucked by the sweetest piece of mocha man-meat I’ve ever seen in a fuck flick, CJ Wright. He could ace my heart any time he wanted. Alas, this scene is cut and edited heavily, which gives it a really cool edgy feel, but I was disappointed not to see more of it—April Flores rips up the screen with scorching sex appeal, and makes me ponder the real meaning of the term “more to love” as pertains to the BBW scene.

Next up, the Cheshire Cat (Michael Pacino), who appears to be some sort of a hobo clown with a button nose, further demolishes Alice’s innocence and elicits a delighted squeal of, “Oh GOD, I love Wonderland!” during reverse cowgirl. Adorable.

Then on we go to Evan Stone as the Mad Hatter, who, let’s face it, is the only person in the porn world whose drugged out, batshit insanity can approach Johnny Depp’s. And it does, actually, quite well, just before the Mouse (Katie St. Ives) and the March Hare (Seth Gamble) get it on, quite madly indeed, though not as hotly as I wish. Meanwhile, Alice and the Hatter are having fittingly absurd sex out in the woods, where Stone’s wood is being used as a prop for hilarious horny misadventures. God I love that guy.

Anyway, in the end, I think I finally understand the heart of the oft-told tale of Alice’s adventures in Wonderland: it’s not about “Off with her head” and “tea parties” and grinning cats and hookah smoke at all! It’s about getting your head off, tea bagging, smiling pussies, and—even when it’s porn—magic mushrooms. But don’t worry, you’ll enjoy jamming your joystick to this sexy piece of cinema even if you don’t have any hallucinogens on hand.

—Miss Lagsalot

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