A look back to 2012… I did this… interview… Kind of thing… with Gina Lynn. It was weird. It did not go as I expected.
So. Yeah. That happened.
Well, losers and germs, we’ve returned from our weekend of deviance at Exxxotica NJ and Amnesia NYC where we held our media event, Provocative Press. We feel that, as a staph, we effectively debauched and defiled a three-day weekend. We interviewed at least a dozen stars on the show floor, which was larger than ever before with over 150+ stars appearing and more vendors than you could shake your dick at; we took in the entertainment on the stage, which was mildly disturbing at times and sizzlingly sexy at others; we flirted and flaunted and felt people up; we ran a raucous red carpet for mainstream media in the freezing-ass cold and then partied all night; we drank irresponsibly; we came, we saw, and we… came again. Maybe in our pants.
Anyway, the point is, we’re now all nursing our two-day hangovers and trying to compile our massive piles of steaming content into some semblance of organization so we can feed it to you, our ravenous readers. In the next few weeks, you’ll see photo sets, video interviews, writeups from our newest newbie staph members, reviews of the movies we pilfered, and much much more… Just… give us a chance to get the room to stop spinning and the sun to stop being SO goddamn bright…
You heard right, wankers! For the third year in a row, your favorite porn publication, WHACK! Magazine will storm the Edison, NJ convention center and rock the socks of everyone at the Exxxotica NJ adult industry convention from November 4-6! We’ll be prowling the exhibition floor with our cameras and cretinism, and probably a pack of smokin’ hotties, getting interviews with stars and fans alike for our illustrious website! You won’t want to miss the star-studded event where you can not only meet your favorite stars, but the whole degenerate crew from your favorite provocative periodical!
But that’s not even the half of it, horndogs! If you can’t make it out to Edison to meet the biggest names in the bang biz, never fear! You can meet the cream of the crop at the raging, rocking media event we’ll be holding that Saturday night, November 5, at Amnesia in New York fuckin’ City! We’ve teamed up with our favorite hedonist, the beautiful and bubbly sexpert Miss Lola Bastinado, owner of HedoOnline, Playboy Radio host, and Executive Producer of the Sybarite Awards, to bring you Amnesia’s finest memory loss-inducing insanity on November 5, along with a long and luscious red carpet where you can see your favorite adult stars step out of their limos (hopefully flashing their panties) and saunter into the club! Join the WHACK! staph, Miss Lola, Priya Rai, Mr. Marcus, Angel Vain, Nyomi Banxxx, Missty Stone, James Bartholet, Sara Vandella, Emy Reyes, Becca Blossoms, Sinnamon Love, Natasha Starr, CeeJay Strokes, and more on the red carpet or inside the club. P.S.: whisper “WHACK!” at the door and you get VIP access! Take a peek at the flier below for all the deets: more updates will certainly come hard and fast!
WHACK! MAGAZINE Ted Houser, artist and designer, I wanted to introduce you to WHACK! readers because most of them probably aren’t familiar with your work yet, or don’t know that they are. So can you first tell us a little bit about yourself?
TED HOUSER Well I’ve been an artist ever since I was young. I’ve been drawing ever since I was a little kid. I went to art school in Philadelphia. I basically went into graphic design to make money, but I still do paintings and sketches on the side. So I basically design the graphic and print work for Exxxotica Expo, so I get to do all those shows, and I’m one of the photographers at the events.
W! Cool. So you get all the passes to every event?
TH It’s definitely a good time. It started with Jay, one of the founders of Exxxotica. We had worked together at another company, and he came to me and said that he wanted to start this show and me to be the graphic designer, and it’s been great ever since. We work really well together.
W! Yeah, the Exxxotica people seem to be really nice.
TH Yeah, It’s a lot of fun.
W! You told me that a big reason behind why you got into art is that when you were younger, you were plagued by health problems and you underwent a lot of procedures, and art was your escape. Do you want to tell us a little bit about that?
TH Basically, it’s called arthrogryposis. What that is, is basically a joint disorder. It’s kind of like, to keep a long story short, when the embryo’s being formed — and none of this is genetically passed down; it’s just something that happens — what happens is that when the embryo’s being formed, the bone structure and the hamstring structure is created at the same time. But what happens is the hamstring structure isn’t big enough for the bone structure. So the embryo grows and all the joints pull in. Think of your hamstrings as a big rubber band, basically. So as the bone structure beings to form, the hands pull in, the knees pull in, and they bend up. So basically every joint is affected by it. The most common thing with it, though, is the lack of muscle control. Muscle control is not a common factor with it. I have it, but usually there is no muscle control whatsoever. So in that sense I’m kind of blessed.
W! Yeah, you got lucky.
TH Yeah. So I went through a lot of operations. I had sixteen total. I was in Wilmington and DuPont for most of my early life cause every time I grew, my joints would tighten up and I’d have to go through two weeks of intensive physical therapy.
W! Oh, god.
TH Yeah! So that was pretty much every time I grew. I’d be out of school and in the hospital for two weeks of being tortured.
W! Did you get through school in normal time?
TH Yeah, actually. When I was in the hospital I actually had two hours a day, the only two hours a day I had built in, to do my schoolwork. I had to keep up with my class, like home school, because if I didn’t I’d fall behind. So when I came back I was still where they were. So I had to keep up with them along with doing everything else. So it was a bit of a mind game.
W! So somewhere in there, you still managed to find to time to make art to keep yourself sane?
TH You know, I did. Like I said, growing up with this isn’t the best of things I would wish. I really wouldn’t wish it on anyone, to be completely honest. Cause you know how kids are, that’s just the way it is. I used art as an escape. I never thought of it as a special talent, which a lot of people have told me that it’s a gift, and all that. But to me it was just a way to just be calm. I needed that calmness that was mine, that wasn’t created by anything else. And I started out drawing Coleco Vision games. The little art works on the cartridges and stuff like that. And then as time went on and my parents saw that I actually had an ability, I actually went to Saturday art classes with the woman who went to the same art school that I eventually ended up going to. So I went to her from age nine until maybe fourteen.
W! That’s something that I think a lot of people don’t find until they’re much older. That release. Well you had mentioned to me that you had a life-changing experience that also changed the way you approached your art. Can you tell us a little about that?
TH Yeah, I did, actually. It was in ’96. What happened was, I was with my father. It was after the last operation I had, on my left foot. I’d just had this pin taken out of my foot. They hadn’t given me anything, so I was kind of frazzled as it was. So when they were done, my dad said, “Let’s go to Philly and get our second tattoos.” I was like, “Ok.” So we hopped on his motorcycle and we went into Philly. At this point, I hadn’t eaten anything, and I had a Percoset and a Valium in me, because my mother wanted to keep me calm. So we went in and got the tattoos done, and it was my second one, so I knew what to expect, and needles don’t really bother me. I’ve had a gazillion of them. So I’m getting it done, and suddenly, I couldn’t see. It was like a snowy television. Think of it like you’re on the top of a roller coaster — that feeling you get when you drop. Now reverse that. Cause I dropped down, and basically, I stopped breathing for five minutes. And then came back, and just in time to hear my dad say, “Call an ambulance.”
TH Yeah, so with that experience alone, it was kind of like an altering sense of everything. It kind of heightened my senses in a way that now I can walk into a room and sense everyone’s emotions instantly. It’s kind of scary and kind of crazy. But it’s true. I’m not making it up.
So I went back home and I went into my studio, which was in the basement of my parents’ house, and I just started writing and drawing. I had a Power Mac and I started doing digital things. There was just so much creative energy flowing through me after that experience that I had to get it out, because I felt like I was going to go insane.
So basically, I didn’t really eat and I didn’t sleep for two weeks. I went to school and came home and just drew and wrote all night for two weeks straight, and I’d just get dressed and go to class. My mom would come down and say, “Are you eating today?” She was just making sure I was fed and hydrated. So I just did what I could to get myself back to some form of reality that I could grasp. So my art just stemmed from there, and right now I’m in the process of bringing it out to the public through this Go-Go-Go! artist collective, through Fang Ling Lee, who started that, I’m able to actually get my artwork out. I showed her some of my artwork last year, and she said that I really need to get it out, that it’s important that I do. So I’m really thankful to her.
W! That’s really an amazing story, and it’s super interesting that you’ve kind of broken into the porn industry in your own way. And I can’t help but wonder, since you say you can feel people’s emotions, what walking into a group of porn stars must be like for you.
TH It’s pretty wild. It’s very difficult for me to concentrate sometimes. Not just because, I mean, they’re porn stars, but because of the amount of excitement that I feed off of when I’m in there. I mean, I’ve walked up to you at shows, and I’m sure I’m a little ‘off.’ And it’s not really, like, if you talked to me afterwards at the hotel, you’d be like, “Oh, wow, he’s fine.”
Cause in those trade shows there’s so much vibe. It’s pretty amazing.
W! It really is. And this is totally up to you if you want to get into this, but you seem like a really open person, so I’m going to mention it. I’ve always been amazed by the amount of positive energy that I feel in places like porn conventions. Particularly in the way that the stars interact with their fans, and even more particularly with the way that they interact with people who are physically different and differently abled/disabled. Those are a lot of the people you see at the conventions like Exxxotica. And I feel as if the porn community is much more open and friendly and accepting of them. Do you get that same feeling?
TH There’s a lot of truth to that.
W! It must be interesting for you, too. You’re not a “fan,” you’re working.
TH Yeah, I mean, you definitely hit the nail on the head. It’s like I’ve told Jay a few times, after the shows, “Ok, back to the real world, where I’m invisible.” And it is what it is. It’s not a bad thing to me. I’ve been living with this my whole life, so it’s not like I’m really down about it. So for me, it’s just that when I’m there, it’s a lot of fun for me. And granted, you always run into a few people that are like, “Well…” That’s just the way of the world. But I’d say 99% of it is just a really good feeling. Because you’re right, in the porn industry, the stars themselves are really open to different versions of life. And I’ve only had really long conversations with a couple of them, and I think they’re fantastic people. They’re doing a job that’s really no different from anyone else’s job, it’s just that they’re in the porn industry.
W! It’s a job in an industry that requires a much more open mind.
TH It definitely does.
W! That brings me to my next question. I mean, obviously you’ve done graphic design for some time, but how did you come around to do design for porn conventions? I mean, are you a rabid porn fan, or…?
TH laughing I’m not really a rabid fan. I mean, I don’t mind a good flick every now and then, but basically, like I said earlier, I worked with Jay, who runs the show, and we worked at a prior company together doing a trade show in 2003. It was dubbed the best trade show that industry had ever seen. So afterward, Jay came to me and said, “I want to start my own show and I’d like you to work with me.” So I said, “Sure.” And he said, “Do you care what it is?” And I said, “Well are we going to have fun? Will it be a good time?” And he said, “Oh, yeah!” I said, “Well what is it?” And he said, “It’s a porn show.” I went, “I’m in!” I didn’t even think twice about it. I think that because of living the way that I have, I’m not a star-struck person. You could put anybody in front of me that’s in the public spotlight, and I’ll be like, “Hi, how are you?” I won’t lose my shit, per se, like a lot of people would. To me, they’re just doing a job that puts them in a spotlight. It’s no different than you or I doing our jobs. I mean that’s pretty much how I got into this industry.
W! So now you’ve been doing this for a while, but now you’re beginning to display your artwork in public. You mentioned Fang Ling Lee, who I’m assuming you met at Exxxotica?
TH Yeah, I met her at the first show she was at, in ’06 or ’07. I met her and Tim, her husband, and we hung out at the hotel that night and we had a really good conversation. I think with her being an artist and me being an artist, we just clicked. That’s kind of how I am. I click with other open-minded, talented artists. Granted, there are some artists I shy away from, but these guys? She’s really good at what she does. She’s amazing. When I showed her my work last year, I was more than honored. That’s how impressed I am with her work and what she’s done with it. And she says, time and time again, the same with me. I mean, when we first talked about it, I hit her up on the phone and said, “Hey, Ling, how do I get in this [Go-Go-Go! Artist Collective]?” And she laughed and said, “You already are.” She didn’t even question it.
So I mean, I drove up to their place and she helped me get some stuff together and we worked deals out and everything seems to be going really well. I actually sold my first piece at Exxxotica in Miami! I’m looking forward to Chicago and hopefully selling a few more.
W! So you’re part of the Go-Go-Go! Collective. So that’s you and Fang Ling Lee, and… anyone else at the moment?
TH There is! Yeah, let me find the poster… it was my first public mention, so that was exciting… Fang Ling Lee, Aunia Kahn, Lara Dann, me, John Thomason, Patrick Naxey, Josh Kimberg, Jane Stanford, Cee Cee Lee, Mani C. Price, Anne Sevino, Kevin Lawson. Basically, Ling hand-picked these people. She put out the word for people to submit their work, and then picked them. It’s been pretty amazing. It’s an honor to be a part of it.
W! So are all of you displaying work at Exxxotica?
TH Well it’ll basically be wherever she [Ling] exhibits. I’m not sure what others they do. I’m not certain if they’re doing Comic-Con this year, but they have in the past. So if it goes there, all my artwork will be there for that
W! So you guys will be at the next Exxxotica show in Chicago in July, and is there anything else that readers can do to see your work? Can they find you online?
TH Yeah, currently I’m waiting to get my new canvas. I have a 6-foot by 3-foot canvas that I’m ready to paint but I haven’t found a way to get it to my house. In the meantime, I have my company’s website, TuBear Studios, and my Facebook site. The website has everything I’ve ever done.
W! Thanks, Ted, this has been a really fun and interesting chat.
TH Thank you!
—Interview conducted by WHACK! Staph degenerate Miss Lagsalot.
Ladies and germs, I just woke up for the third morning in Miami and realized that, despite the very loud doomsday prophecies from Christian groups over the past week, and some real overzealous protesters outside the Exxxotica Miami Beach convention yesterday (one sign said “Porno Sex is Sin,” which isn’t exactly logical but at least isn’t confusing, either; another, however, said “Homo Sex is a Threat to National Security,” which defies all explanation), the WHACK! crew is still all here and having a blast. Unless, of course, we’ve been taken up in the Rapture and just didn’t realize it.
…actually, that’s very possible. We’re headed back to the Miami Convention Center today to hang out with Lexi Love, Eve Laurence, Trina Michaels, Angel Vain, and Lola Bastinado at the WHACK! booth, and we’ve got interviews on the books with Teagan Presley, Adrenalynn, Keni Styles, and Kirsten Price, then clean up our crap and go to the beach for the night.
…this might be Heaven. And if so: Screw You, doom-mongers! If anyone in this world has sinned according to your rules, it’s the WHACK! staph and our porn brethren, and it looks like we made it past doomsday and the judgment in one piece. One big, juicy, sexy piece. Come join us today!
Word up, bitches! The WHACK! crew is officially here and assembled in sunny, hot, humid, horny Miami, getting drunk and waiting for the gates to open on tomorrow’s fap-fest to begin: Exxxotica Miami Beach will get underway at noon tomorrow, and we’re kind of hoping and kind of terrified to see all your sallow, lonely, salivating faces light up at the sight of our fabulous Women of WHACK! at our very own, very fun booth.
Not only will we be joined by the luscious Lexi Love, the tall and tit-tastic Trina Michaels, the lovely Eve Laurence, and bombshell-blondness of Angel Vain, and the stern ministrations of Mistress Lola Bastinado, but we’ll be riling up the rowdy, randy crowds with a very special, totally unique, and jaw-droppingly perverted game you’ve got to see to believe!
Don’t wait for us to post pictures, video, and commentary here, on Facebook, on Twitter, or on Ustream, fuckers—find us at Exxxotica tomorrow through Sunday to get in on the live action!
You may all be wondering why it’s taken so long for us to do a little info-laden writeup on the Exxxotica Expo in New Jersey this past weekend. Well, my lovelies, the answer is that we’ve been hungover ever since, and our eyes were so dazzled by the 140+ adult stars we hob-nobbed with at this East Coast masturbation mecca that we can just now face the prospect of telling you all about it!
Hopefully you were able to follow our live tweets from the convention: WHACK!‘s Twitter page was updated constantly with pictures and info, as was Miss Lagsalot’s, and if you didn’t check out our oh-so-clever UStream vids, you should totally go do that now. There are pictures on our Facebook, as well, but my darling diddlers, if you want a real taste of the insane sexitude of Exxxotica, if you want a lip-smacking serving of the sex industry’s biggest stars, stay tuned to WHACK! for the next few weeks. We’ve got literally hours of raw footage we’re now sifting through: interviews with the industry’s hottest honeys and horndogs, fappable film stock of the hugest pornstar honkers you can imagine, and of course, all done with the rather ridiculous WHACK! flair for the absurd!
In the meantime, though, let’s tell you all a bit about the expo, shall we? Only in its third year of existence, the Exxxotica Expo in Edison, NJ, is already smashing industry records. This year there were almost 150 stars of the blue screen in attendance, signing autographs, posing for photos, and talking with little old us. There were so many beautiful people there we hardly knew where to start! Hell, how can one decide between the likes of Andy San Dimas, Jenna Presley, Teagan Presley (do you think they’re related?), Isis Taylor, Nyomi Banxxx, Nick Manning, Jenna Haze, Joanna Angel, Kagney Linn Karter, Julia Ann, Brittany Andrews, Mr. Marcus, Francesca Le, Gina Lynn, Trina Michaels, Sean Michaels (hmmmm, do you think they’re related?)… The list goes on and on. Luckily, we were able to grab a few of them for a few minutes and film the insanity, but we promise exxxclusive interviews with others in the coming months!
The huge Exxxotica floor was packed with exhibitors and hawkers of everything from leather wear to lube to The Triple-X Church pamphlets, and the crowded aisles were just as packed with well over 20,000 attendees! That’s right, 20-fuckin-thousand. For the town of Edison, NJ, that’s like the last time Bon Jovi came through, except with less leopard print… Well, ok, MORE leopard print. Of course, the attendance numbers were surely bolstered by a brand-new and very cool Ladies-Free-Friday policy. Our very own Lolly Gagger, unable to get a press pass at the last minute, attended on Friday on the merits of her big, beautiful… um… eyes alone! And, lucky for a bisexual bimbo like myself, there were tons of other female fans in attendance due to the free admission: usually these events are sausage-fests of German Dudewürst festivals (oh, come on, you know they have them over there… freaks, all of them!). It’s always reassuring for randy old raunch-drenched me to see other chicks who love smut and worship sex workers as much as I do, and as it turns out, there are THOUSANDS of them out there, lurking and touching themselves in the woods and suburban cul-de-sacs of New Jersey. Who knew?
And it wasn’t just stars and their drooling fans there, either: WHACK! was only one (but obviously the fuckin’ COOLEST) of over 300 media presences at the event. We saw cameras and crews for everything from a local radio station to RedTube. Dude, who even knew RedTube HAD a media presence? Fuckin’ weird. But good to see them out about, nonetheless.
Alas, our lovely SpokeStar Lexi Love wasn’t able to attend the convention with us, but as UStream will tell you, we spent some time handing out hand-picked DVDs and cards she wanted her fans to have, even though she was busy on the West Coast! What a sweetheart, huh?
Meanwhile, the stage shows, seminars, and live entertainment at the convention were spectacular: Miss Lagsalot attended a few seminars by Sean Michaels (with Nina Hartley in attendance; they discussed the importance of making love on camera versus mechanical pounding, and I have to agree) and Lux Alptraum of Fleshbot (with panelists Stoya, Justine Joli, and Bella Vendetta) gave a sexy talk on girls fucking girls. One of my favorite topics, of course, so I attended, and left with my panties wetter than when I’d gone in.
Of course, the real reason to go to one of these conventions is always the after-parties, and WHACK! made an appearance at Friday night’s convention-sponsored soiree, hosted by Teagan Presley and Lisa Ann. While we like to keep our lips tightly shut about the rowdy evenings we spend with the stars (hey, we’re discrete motherfuckers), let’s at least say that Kagney Linn Karter, Sara Sloane, Francesca Le, and Sean Michaels may have all thrown back a few brews with the likes of the WHACK! Staph, while enjoying the DJ stylings of DJ Licious, the stripping prowess of several lovely ladies in the back room, and the six well-stocked bars the Sheraton hotel made available. We won’t say any more, because we’re ladies and gentlemen over here, but… Well, ok, we don’t remember much. True story.
The following night, WHACK! returned to the mean streets of NYC to attend an Exxxotica-cosponsored party at legendary East Side strip club Sapphire’s, where we watched Teagan Presley get naked and nasty on stage. We all went home with raging hard-ons, as did everyone else there.
The biggest snag in the weekend was the absence, from the Burning Angel booth, of one of WHACK!’s favorite tattooed and sexy stars, Jessie Lee, who was involved in a traffic accident on her way to the show! AVN is providing updates on her condition, but as of the last we heard she is stable and doing well. Our thoughts/prayers/nondenominational “good vibes” are with Jessie, and were all weekend.