Muscle Pain + Magic Wand = Success!

flaming june magic wand art history lynsey g

Flaming June with her Magic Wand, swiped from Magic Wand Art History

Folks, I just had a magical afternoon.

It started out with a bad mood. I had way too much to do, including running some errands that set my day back by hours. And those errands didn’t go well, which meant that, although I’d already spent two hours on them, I’m going to have to go back to redo most of them another day. That made me mad. Then I got a bunch of stupid e-mails and other news. Then I got on Facebook and saw people being mean to each other. And so on. You know, Monday. But on top of all of that, I had intense shoulder pain.

This happens to me sometimes. I think it’s from sitting at my desk typing and using my mouse all day every day, combined with stress, and topped with sleeping in weird positions sometimes. I just got a new pillow, and that’s making me sleep differently, which is probably aggravating everything. And the fact that I was in pain from the moment I woke up today aggravated everything else, until by mid-afternoon, I was in a downright foul state of mind.

I finally gave in and took some pain meds—I try to only do so when absolutely necessary. Just then, I also remembered that the Magic Wand was originally advertised as a “massager” for muscles aches. And that I keep mine in my desk drawer. So I broke that bad boy out and, for the first time in the many years I’ve had it, I used it as an actual massager.

A few notes:

  1. The Magic Wand works beautifully as a muscle massager! Color me impressed! This thing really is magic!
  2. Those vibrations are intense. I mean, duh. That’s why we love our Magic Wands in the first place. But it’s different when applying them to your shoulder, because the vibrations go right up into your head. Wowee! I am a power queen, apparently.
  3. I appear to have developed a Pavlovian response to the sound, sight, and experience of using my Magic Wand. Because after I’d worked out the knot in my shoulder, I was ready to put it right to use…elsewhere.
  4. After massaging and masturbating, I naturally felt much better. After all, orgasm releases all sorts of happy chemicals into your brain and bloodstream.
  5. But! Here’s the kicker: I’m pretty sure that masturbating, which sends your heart rate skyward and ups your metabolism, actually got the pain meds I’d taken earlier to move through my system faster than they’d have done otherwise! It was the perfect trifecta of relief: muscles massaged, orgasm achieved, pain meds kicked in.

So basically, yes. I’m touting this as a cure-all for those with muscle aches, stress, and bad moods. Take your pain meds, then grab your Magic Wand to, massage out the kinks, then massage out your other kinks, and voila! Relief!

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