MATCH MATES – “There’s so much pussy being eaten in this movie, it’s like a snatch smorgasbord!”

MATCH MATES

Directed by Liselle Bailey
170 minutes

MATES AND SHE-MATES
Lolly Badcock, Claudia Rossi, Alexa Andreas, Marcel Roberts, Michelle Moist, Jay Snake, Tammie Lee, Hannah Shaw, Tanya Tate, Peter Oh Tool, Seb (aka Clarke Kent), and Liselle Bailey

3 out of 5 Spurts

Just as the DVD sleeve warns, “…if you’re only interested in ‘wham-bam’ then this film is not for you. But, if you fancy something that builds to that carnal crescendo, just like real sex, then check out Match Mates.” When WHACK! decided to review it, we knew we weren’t getting into some JM jizz-flinging filth, but a movie with a plot and characters and more than five minutes between hide-the-salami sequences. But anything that claims to build to a carnal crescendo sounds like something right up the shady and filthy WHACK! alley, even if we have to deal with some acting in between fuck frenzies—so we decided to give it a try.

What we didn’t bank on was Match Mates, the directorial debut of teacher-turned-porn-producer Liselle Bailey, was in fact British, and therefore a Region 2 DVD. Our screening copy of the movie came from across the perverted pond, and on its new turf it wouldn’t play on our Yank DVD player. After some initial yelling, kicking at electronics, and crying, we popped Match Mates into a computer, and lo and behold, our second surprise of the reviewing process: a solidly sizzling swath of smarmy English smut! Despite the disclaimer that Match Mates is couples-oriented, it contains a whole lot of horny, hardcore action worth spending a few hours stroking to.

The premise is simple enough—Liselle knows a lot of porn stars who haven’t had a chance to practice their trade on one another, so she gets them together for drinks or tea or whatever other limey activities they like, and then films them riding each other into the sunset. Not too much to keep track of, no need for much plot development, but plenty of time to watch the two porn professionals gettin’ horny as hell and trying to get somewhere private ASAP. The build-up and tension is is different, and feels kind of decadent to us degenerates who usually watch gonzo degradation.

And furthermore, watching Brits bump uglies is fun because right off the bat they’re using dirty talk like “carry on” during blowjobs, “fanny” instead of pussy, and “fancy a facial?” before the big finale. …Ok, nobody actually said that, but Joy Bear Organic, take note, because that’d be hilarious to us Yank wankers. Maybe, “Fancy a spot of spew?”

Anyway, it’s also interesting to note the differences between redcoat and rebel mopes: for instance, it appears that the prerequisite for being a British boner is having huge back tattoos, which is an interesting twist on the American tendency toward tribal arm bands and badly bleached hair. Furthermore, there’s so much pussy being eaten in this movie it’s like a snatch smorgasbord, which isn’t quite such a mainstay here in the States where we prefer eye-popping penetration.

But the really different thing about Match Mates was that there’s a lot of laughter during the drilling. These people get to know each other, and rather than skipping over the buildup to get straight to the boning, there’s screen time for the sexual tension to build, the blood to start pumping harder, and the “carnal crescendo” to come crashing in when the action really gets going. And throughout, there are smiles and familiarity and fun being had, rather than constant screaming and frantic cramming we frantic fuck fans in America have come to expect. Not that there’s anything wrong with frantic cramming, but it can be kind of nice to think that somewhere out there, porn stars are having sex for fun. It appears that place is Joy Bear Pictures, and WHACK! salutes them from across the oceans white with fuck foam for giving us something new and different.

If you’re worried about ordering Match Mates on this side of the Atlantic for fear of the DVD region divide, never fear! Joy Bear wants you to soil yourself just as much as we do, so you can download each steamy scene online at their site.—Miss Lagsalot

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