THE CRASH PAD — “Some of them are covered in sweat by the time they’re finished.”

THE CRASH PAD
Blowfish Video and Pink & White Productions

Directed by Shine Louise Houston

WINNER: Best Dyke Sex Scene 2006 at the Feminist Porn Awards; Tel Aviv Cinematique Festival 2007; Outfest Los Angeles Film Festival 2006; Cineffable Paris Film Festival 2006.

DYKES AND DUDES AND OTHERS
Simone, Dylan Rion, Jo, Liz Lee, Shawn, Roxie Ryder, Dusty Ryder

“This is the key to the crash pad and I want to give it to you. You’re guaranteed a panty dropping good time with anyone you bring to the crash pad. There’s only one small catch. Now that you have they key… go ahead and stick it in.”

We know this may be kind of a throwback, since it was released five years ago, but The Crash Pad is one of those porn legends that you have to see to believe. I’d been hearing about it from dykey friends for ages and had been pointed in its direction by alt and queer porn enthusiasts for years. They said I should review something less mainstream, something really hot. Well, I have to admit that watching the same formulaic hetero- and fake-lesbo fuckfests does get kind of old after a while, dear degenerates. As much as I love watching people fuck, it’s nice to mix it up a little now and then. And what better to mix with than a battery of real, honest-to-god lesbians who are just as hardcore as your average JM mope and who actually know how to use a strap-on?

I got my hands on a copy of The Crash Pad, courtesy of Blowfish Productions, and prepared to let my mind—and my mound—be blown.

So here’s the premise: the Crash Pad is an empty apartment with a few keys that get passed around to lesbian lovers who go there strictly to fuck. There are rules. 1) You have to call ahead. If nobody answers, that means the Crash Pad is either vacant, or the people there fucking want you to join them. 2) It’s first come, first serve. 3) You can only use the key seven times before passing it on.

In reality, a lot of the chicks in the film were actually girlfriends. One couple was married. And the sex is real. Really, really, real, and incredibly hardcore. These are not acrylic-nailed, bleached-blonde bimbos you’d find on an average porn set. They are real, live specimens of the dyke breed, and they are being filmed in their natural habitat. Dildos and strap-ons figure prominently—several chicks come into the Crash Pad already wearing their strap-ons so they’ll be ready the moment they drop their pants. There are tattoos. There is a shit-ton of pussy licking, much of it filmed incredibly well, which impressed me—the mainstream porn industry has never quite figured out how to get a good camera angle on cunnilingus. There are no ridiculous contortions or fake, screamed orgasms. There is real, really hot, really hardcore sex between normal women who have never gone under the knife or gotten collagen injections. These ladies are so dedicated to getting each other off that some of them are covered in sweat by the time they’re finished. There’s an all-lesbian DP scene, which is something you don’t see very often in this line of work—or any other line of work, really. There is squirting like you would not believe. There may or may not be fisting. There is cum-guzzling of an entirely different type.

Despite all the insane sex—which some might find and hot and some might find too kinky or too hardcore—the really interesting thing about this movie is that it shows a small swatch of the huge spectrum of lesbian sex and relationships. These women are all very different and they relate to each other so differently—it’s a departure from the “I’m yours, fuck me” vibe of most hetero porn. Some women only get pleasure, some only give; some are hairy, some aren’t; some use toys, some use hands—and I mean whole hands—and some only use mouths; some go it in groups, some like it alone.

All things told, I’d recommend The Crash Pad to anybody who can handle it, and you might not know if you can until you see it. So, I guess I’d recommend it to anybody, particularly those who want their horny horizons expanded. Personally, I loved it, because I don’t think there’s much in the world hotter than watching a woman’s face flush with a real orgasm. But for you frantic fappers who like seeing women worship the cock, or who like to think that all lesbians wear lots of makeup, fake nails, and spray-on tans, it might be best to steer clear. Your wads will surely be blown, but your minds might be, too.

For those of you who are ready for it, you’ll be pleased to know that The Crash Pad proper is just the first in an ongoing series by the same name. There are videos available on the website, and DVDs galore to be had, all just as hot and heavy as the first one. Check it all out at CrashPadSeries.com.

—Miss Lagsalot

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