TRES FLORES — “Weird and kind of forced artistry.”

TRES FLORES

Vivid Alt

Directed by Eon McKai

FLORES

Coco Velvett, Raye Reagan, Devi Lynne

STUNT COCKS (Gardeners)

Daniel, Dane Cross, Alex Gonz, Mr. Pete

I know, I know: “WTF, Miss Lagsalot, this is the second week in a row you’ve reviewed a Vivid Alt movie! What happened to regular sex flicks? Why the weird ‘alt’ shit? Have you gone all fucking freaky on us?” Well, my creepy-ass pee-pee touching friends, maybe I have. Maybe I’ve gotten sick of the same old sex routine I see in every big studio strokefest and I’m looking for something different—something new and weird and actually exciting. I don’t know if any of you rod-ratching retards realize this about women, but it’s good to know: the same thing time and time again gets real old for us horny ho’s. We need things switched up, spanked, spat on, and spiced up from time to time to keep our panties percolating, if you get me. We need a break from the boring old boning we, or rather I, watch day in and day out, week after week for your perverted pleasure. So I’m trying out some alt stuff. Deal with it.

All that being said, if you’re one of those boring, brainless brutes who likes watching the same suck-it-finger-it-fuck-it routine you get in most of your mainstream man-handling movies, but you want to impress your less free-thinking fap-frenzied friends, Tres Flores from Vivid Alt is a good choice. Why? Because it’s got the trappings of an alt porn venture: creepy empty warehouse settings, strange “night blooming flowers” voiceovers about gardening, lots of black and white and fishnets, and the obligatory washed-out color scheme and hand-held camera techniques that are the hallmark of “weird” wank cinema. But that’s where the alt ends, my friends.

I was suspicious from the get-go. The beginning of Tres Flores features some out-there music, some artsy shots of flowers blooming in low light, and some very Saw-like voice effects, but it all seemed sadly less than edgy. Just weird and kind of forced artistry. The first scene, I’ll admit, had me in suspense about the credentials of the rest of the movie—in an anime-style empty warehouse setting, a stern-faced stunt cock spends a good twenty minutes fondling and fingering a school girl in a garter belt without cracking a smile, then goes to town on her in a singularly unimaginative pound pattern that’s reminiscent of a mope metronome. He’s got a short but obscenely fat cock that he crams into her with the single-mindedness of your typical Hentai mad scientist. Pretty fun, slightly different from your typical turd of a porno.

But everything is downhill from there for fans of alt, kink, or even just interesting sex. The routine is rote, the action itself is boring, the cumshots are unimaginative. The only thing that kept my attention after a little while was the variety in the size and shape of the cocks being featured—no, really! For a while I thought all the gardening tips and spooky music were just covers for a shaft showcase. The first one, that of a certain Dane Cross, was, as I mentioned, a chubby but stumpy affair, quite curious to behold. The second, Daniel’s, was the opposite: a long, thin affair that could cram up into a woman’s throat through her rectum. Alex Gonz’s gaff was a mixture of the two—long and thick, more typical for a woodsman. By the time the fourth scene dragged itself around, I was on the edge of my seat to see what the wang would look like, almost forgetting my dubiousness over the alt-ness of this flick.

But the moment that long-ish, not-too-thin, perfectly straight pole came bursting out of its attendant jeans, I lost all curiosity and Tres Flores lost any ‘alt’ credibility it had faked its way into. I’ve seen that cock hundreds of times in my reviewing career, and I know that the mope attached to it is a certain, sub-intelligent, certainly not alternative and in fact rather wigger-tastic… Mr. Pete. Mr. Goddamutherfuckin’ Pete. Now, don’t get me wrong here, folks: Mr. Pete is a pretty stand up cocksman. He’s good at what he does, and he knows how to showcase a woman’s body instead of his long, rather stringy, white trash ass while fucking. Aside from some annoyance over a few barbarous butcherings of the English language we’ve documented in Whores Are (sic!), I have nothing against him.

But let me make something perfectly clear: when you’ve been in this business for as long as I have, you know damn well that Mr. Pete is as far away from an “alt” scenester as it is possible to be. I’ve met this mope; he wears night-shirt length white T’s, baggy shorts that go down to his calves, huge and colorful sneakers, and flat-brimmed baseball hats to industry events. And bling. He’s a geeky wigger, through and through. And while there is absolutely nothing wrong with that, his mere presence destroys any chance that a film purporting to be “alt”—whether it’s full of subpar, yawn-inducingly boring scenes or not—had at credibility in the alt porn community.

Vivid Alt: I have two messages for you. Listen close: 1.) Washed out coloring, dark surroundings, fishnets, and funny camera work do not an alt film make. If you wanna do alternative porn, you’re gonna have to try a lot harder than Tres Flores. 2.) Mr. Pete ruins everything. —Miss Lagsalot

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