JERSEY SHORE XXX: A PORN PARODY
Taryn It Up Entertainment
Directed by Jim Enright
Co-executive produced by Taryn Thomas
GUIDOS AND GUIDETTES
Taryn Thomas as Snooki, Angela Aspen as Angelina, Dylan Ryder as Sammi, Veronica Rayne as WOW J, Johnny Castle as Pauly, John Espizedo as Mike “The Predicament,” TJ Cummings as Vinny, Memphis Blake as Ronny
Ok, cock jockeys, this review is going to wrap up our randy reportage on the “Jersey Wars” going on between two recent releases: Zero Tolerance’s Not Jersey Shore: Jersey Whores and Taryn It Up Entertainment’s Jersey Shore XXX. We finally got our hands on the last piece of the porn parody puzzle after weeks, nay months, of anticipation and a month of WHACK! coverage of the two warring wank flicks’ respective creators, directors, performers, and performances. We’ve been waiting with our hands over our private parts for weeks to pound our aching hard-ons into submission once and for all, and now that all the breathless, sweaty viewing is done, the interviews are finished, and the floor cleaned up with paper towels, the verdict is in:
Jersey Shore XXX from Taryn It Up Entertainment is HOT. Taryn Thomas, co-executive producer and leading lady (Snooki) had warned us that this version would be brimming with spicy Italian-American sausage stuffing, and she wasn’t fucking around. As a hardcore fuck fest, Jersey Shore XXX definitely holds its own against its competition, and any other dirty DVD you want to put it up against. The sex is sweaty, the chemistry is sizzling, the blowjobs are beautiful, the pussy eating is perfect, and the one-liners necessary to a good parody (“I want that fuckin’ alfredo sauce all over my titties and my mouth!”) are inserted—like many cocks and fingers—at just the right moments.
The tans run deep, the dicks run deeper, and all around this is a ridiculously randy romp through the North Shore surf. I have to admit, I was a bit disappointed in the dialogue and storyline (hint: there wasn’t a storyline), but the diddling degree was so far up on the old skin thermometer that I was ready, willing, and able to overlook a few missed opportunities for jokes. And the Snooki punch—I won’t give away the twist—alone may have cemented the film’s fucktasticness in my mind, if it hadn’t been followed immediately by finger-licking-good girl-on-girl action that segued into a sizzling threeway FFM, which cemented my hand to private parts.
I don’t want to give away the coital combos here, but I feel it’s my responsibility to mention that Angela Aspen’s “Angelina” and TJ Cummings’ “Vinny” scene was, although rock-solid raunch, kind of terrifying in a “Clash of the Titans” way. These two performers are both well over six feet tall, hugely endowed in every department, and frankly pretty terrifying. But it’s a good scene; don’t let me scare you. Also, Taryn Thomas’s several scenes with men, women, and men and women, are pulled off with her signature sizzling sex kitten style: she tears it up with a tenacity even seasoned degenerates like myself rarely get to see even in this line of business. I never thought Snooki, the queen of guidettes, could be this sexy.
Aside from all that, let me just say that where Jersey Whores from Zero Tolerance kicked ass in the absurdity and plot parodying departments, Jersey Shore XXX cleaned up in the whack-worthy sector. All things told, I think both films were fap-ulous, but each in their own way. It might be a draw, but, either way, I salute them both with a solid five-rope spooge spew and a solid handshake for a battle well fought. —Miss Lagsalot