This post was written for WHACK! Magazine.
The first thing I feel I need to say here, for clarity, is this: I am not a furry. Seriously, I’m not. And I don’t say that because I’d be ashamed if I was — furries of the world, do yo’ thang! I think you’re rad. I just don’t count myself among you because I don’t find dressing up as an animal turns me on. Ok, now that that’s out of the way: I do have a thing about tails. I’ve always thought it’d be cool to have a tail as an extra balance (which is to say that it couldbe possible that I’m a little clumsy and could use an extra appendage to help me out with that, maybe) and as an indicator of mood. It’d be so fun to be able to let that extra little tail-twitch warn people to back off when I’m annoyed, or for that languorous coil to welcome them when I’m relaxed. You know? Wouldn’t that be awesome? Maybe it’s just me. But, yeah, while I’m not exactly into role-playing as a cat, I have long thought it’d be fun to play with some of the cooler parts of being, say, a fox.
And then I found out that Crystal Delights, my favorite maker of all things high-end, glass, and anal, was making anal plugs with tails! And I jumped on that shit like a fox on a nest of newborn pica! (Seriously, have you ever seen that Planet Earth episode with the Tibetan fox? That guy does not fuck around. Also, pica are ungodly cute. Someone’s got to put them in their place.) I mean, a luxury butt plug? Yes, please and thank you. A luxury butt plug with a frickin’ fox tail on it? Not only is that luxury like luxury never luxuried—it is just so cool. I don’t have a better word for it. It’s the definition of cool. My butt, I felt sure, would forever feel like the coolest butt around once I’d introduced it to my new Crystal Delights Minx Tail.
Of course, if I’m being perfectly honest, my ass is already convinced it’s the finest derriere within a ten-mile radius, anyway. But having a fox tail it can choose to wear? My toosh’s head is going to get so big, you guys.
So when the tail arrived, I was so excited that, had I already had a tail, it would have been frantically wagging and knocking everything in my apartment over. But then! Two immediate shockers:
1) I realized that because this is not, in fact, a real appendage to my body, I cannot actually move it. This is one of those things that you know in a logical way before the fact, but that you hold out an irrational hope about until it’s staring you in the face. Inevitable not to be let down, but still. Siiiiigh.
2) This is, though it’s not really my tail, a very real tail. It is made of real fur. I’m not sure what might have given me the notion that a butt-plug-tail from a company that makes plugs featuring large Swarovski crystals (one of which I already own) and uses only the highest-grade materials in everything, would use faux fur. This is a luxury item, made by a company deeply invested in making its products beautiful, finely wrought, and utterly scrumptiously luxurious. Of course the tail was going to be made with real fur. Perhaps it’s just my generally vegetarian, not-leather-wearing nature to assume that things I introduce to my butt won’t be made of real animals—I don’t know. I had just not given that possibility any real thought before the tail arrived.
It’s not that I have a problem with fur, per se. It’s that, if I’m going to own fur, I like to know exactly where it came from. So I asked Shellie over at Crystal Delights, and she told me that all the fur used in their tails is scrap material from a small, family-run fur company that would otherwise be forced to discard the unused parts of the hides! SCORE! Crystal Delights is making sure that no part of the beautiful animals that are being raised for their fur is going to waste, and I get one of my dreams to come true by using their products! The company’s statement on the matter, to whit:
“We at Crystal Delights do not condone the killing of an animal for its coat and we believe that some day the fur trade will be abolished, and we support that, but until that time, we believe that all parts of the animal should be used and not simply discarded as waste. Crystal Delights donates a portion of tail profits annually to animal charities to continue our charitable mission.”
So, not only is there now a fox tail in my butt, but it is a fucking ethically-gotten, charity-generating, scrap-material FOX TAIL and it fucking matches my HAIR and I am prancing all over my apartment like a wild animal and it is FANTASTIC. The plug is beautifully made, the fur is so, so soft that I kind of moan every time it tickles the back of my thighs, and the glass is so smooth it feels like silk in there. I think I’m starting to understand the meaning of “luxury item.” I think this means that my butt will now not be able to talk to any of the other butts it meets, unless they have caviar, champagne, and real-fur tails also. My ass is just too high-class for anything else these days. It’s turned a corner into luxury-only snobbery, and there’s no going back.
However, it may also have discovered that we are, in fact, a furry…. More to come on this topic, I’m sure. I have some… research… to do.
—Miss Lagsalot