DIRTY MOVIE DEADLINE — “British dudes have enormous cocks. I mean titanic tadgers!”

DIRTY MOVIE DEADLINE
Joybear Pictures

JOYFUL BEARS
Aleena Jonez, Syren Sexton, Megan Coxxx, Michelle Moist, Loulou, Danny D, Kai Taylor, Marc Rose

This is a movie about a Canadian sex bomb—Aleena—who decides she wants to go to London and make her first-ever porno after meeting Joybear’s infamous scouting scoundrel, Justin, in Vegas. (On a side note, I have also met Justin while in Vegas, and I’m surprised I didn’t end up doing the same thing as Aleena. That guy is smooth. And he has strangely muscular legs. Don’t ask how I know.) She gives herself seven days in London to immerse herself in the British bang biz before diving in headfirst and making her own. She’s scheduled to watch some scenes, go shopping for outfits and toys, and even—and here’s where the Royals differ from us Yanks—direct her very own scene on her fourth day in the UK. Now call me crazy, but if I were at the helm of a respected porn company like Joybear, I wouldn’t let some random Canadian bimbo just direct a scene because she felt like it. But that’s something I’m going to have to just deal with. As an American who is sometimes deeply ashamed of her country, I am going to make a valiant effort not to make this review a series of Limey and Canuck jokes. But it’s going to be very difficult, because there are just… so… many.

But instead, let me use sweeping generalizations of the stereotypical bent to illustrate a few key points:

1)      Canadians are very polite. Aleena lets us see her very soul in some of the positions she assumes in Dirty Movie Deadline, but she doesn’t swear once. She doesn’t tell the camera crew that she frantically fucked her costar five ways from Friday before the appointed date—she giggles and admits that she spent the night at his place. She may be naked from the waist down and be about to gag on a penis for our entertainment, but damn does she keep it classy!

2)      British dudes have enormous cocks. I mean titanic tadgers. Frankly, it’s amazing to me that there isn’t a more robust skin flick industry in the Motherland, because with Johnsons the size of a large butcher-shop salami swinging between their knees, it would seem most English men actually would have to go into porn just to find women willing to try to fit those monstrous members into their bodies in any way. Frankly, if I saw a digit the size of Danny D.’s coming at me, I’d run and hide and maybe even cry. I always knew that British women were a tough bunch, but… I bow to their fortitude. Sincerely.

3)      Europeans—even Britons, it seems—take their film-making very seriously. This film is so perfectly paced it kind of takes me aback. The first scene—between Syren Sexton and Marc Rose while Aleena not-so-timidly sits in the wings and watches the filming process—actually bored me. I watch a lot of porn, but you’d still be impressed by how much it takes to make me yawn when there is a vulva on the screen. But this scene did it. It was so classically fake: big fake tits, bleached blonde hair, quiet moaning, no sweat, and I’m pretty sure that Syren didn’t even get close to coming once. I was worried I was in for an entire movie of lukewarm lust masquerading as hot Britsex. But as the movie went on, and Aleena became more and more involved with the scenes and the “not scenes” (we’ll get to that later), the sex became hotter… and hotter… and hotter… until the last few scenes are so searingly sexy that I thought my pubes might be scorched off. This kind of attention to detail might just be a fluke of chemistry on set, but I prefer to think that this is a piece of porn that knows what it’s about: you can sit through the whole movie and only get yourself off once (ok, if you’re me, maybe three times) because it’s just that well done.

4)      But the people involved here don’t take their porno too seriously, as evidenced by Canadian television. (I know Kids in the Hall was supposedly genius, but f’reals guys… I just don’t get it.) Suspension of disbelief is a very large factor in Dirty Movie Deadline. For instance: Aleena has “never done porn,” but she is sporting a set of cans so astoundingly buoyant that, had her plane gone down over the North Sea, I’m sure she could have saved most of the crew and floated them to Iceland. Call me nationalist, but I just don’t think there are many Canadian women who don’t do porn running around with fake FF funbags, much less taking cocks the size of Mount Logan. Furthermore, there are several scenes shot that we are led to believe “were never shot.” Like when she goes shopping with LouLou, Joybear’s superhot platinum power-pussy, and the two end up getting it on in the back of the store while the other customers mysteriously never show up to investigate the noise, or when Aleena and her soon-to-be costar Danny fuck “before the cameras get there” at his house after a night together. Obviously this is not “reality BTS porn.” But it’s all good. Roll with it, as the homeys say here in the States. It’s worth it.

In sum, I’m going to make a new sweeping stereotype that I hope will be applied to all Briths/Candian porn in the future (if Dirty Movie Deadline is any indication, there will hopefully be much more to come): Canadians and Brits alike have a good grasp of what couples want in porn. This is not, actually, a stereotype I haThis movie seems to have been made form a solidly pro-woman point of view. It offers a lot of back story, and one that keeps you engaged until the end to see what happens to Aleena. It stars a female character that’s believable and likable, old enough to be less-intimidating to most women, but still absolutely gorgeous (think jessica drake with bigger implants and ten years older). The sex isn’t outrageous, but it is delicious enough for men and women to whet their appetites to, and the best of it features chemistry that would have gotten you a detention in Chem Lab in high school for blowing up your work station. But it’s a slow burn, so enjoy it.

—Miss Lagsalot