I ATTENDED A SWINGER PARTY IN TEHRAN AND ALL I GOT WAS THIS LOUSY DEATH SENTENCE.

Getting stoned and having group sex sounds like a great time, and it’s something we can definitely get behind, and above, and below, here at WHACK! But getting stoned for having group sex? That ain’t cool.

Despite our misgivings on the subject, however, twelve couples in Iran are currently facing death by stoning for what we here in the States would call “swinging” and what in the conservative, post-revolution Islamic Republic of Iran is called “punishable by death.” Seems rather silly, doesn’t it? So these folks—all of whom held university degrees and some of whom worked for the government and had families—did the twofold tango with more than two people. And so they were swapping partners and apparently running a website to advertise their swingin’ parties. So what?

The Revolutionary Guards stated that the moral police in Iran were cracking down on “anti-religious, anti-revolution” websites and “un-Islamic” behavior—including that of swingers as well as Satan worshipers, who obviously fall under the same category of debauchery-obsessed hooligans. All of these villainous cretins, devil worshipers and swingers alike, are now facing the judgment of Tehran’s particular version of Islamic sharia law. If they’re found guilty, they might very likely be sentenced to the typical punishment for heretics and sexual deviants, which is standing in front of a crowd of people who are armed with large rocks and letting them hurl said rocks at your head until you fall down dead and move onto the afterlife.

An afterlife where, if you’re male and have been virtuous, according to the tenets of Islam, you’ll be greeted by a crowd of willing virgins with whom you can, ostensibly, have group sex.

I know that saying Iran has some ass-backwards laws in place is kind of like pointing out that John Holmes had an enormous prick, but nevertheless, I can’t help but note that this whole thing seems a little strange. What could be the harm in fitting in a little extra practice before confronted with Heaven’s randy riches? And furthermore, I’m pretty sure I read somewhere that polygamy was allowed during mortal life in traditional Islam. Where did I read that…? Hm, I can’t remember… Oh, wait, yeah, it was in the Quran. Now, I understand that adultery, which is illegal in Iran, consists of having intercourse with someone to whom you are not married, so partner swapping still counts as a crime, even if you’re polygamously married. But, still, it would seem that in a country set up on principles of a religion, one might take the spirit of that religion to heart when applying rules on group sex; and since those virgins are waiting up in heaven and polygamous husbands can hardly be expected to all abstain from group sex, something seems amiss. Obviously Allah wasn’t so down on these “illicit” ideas, as all Judeo-Christian religions stem from early Judaism, in which men were permitted several wives. Of course, most nations based on a Judeo-Christian moral ground have strayed from their foundations—here in the U.S. (where I realize we have the separation of Church and State, but, c’mon, let’s not be idiots here) we start wars and go to South America to kill innocent people over fruit, and that ain’t so Christian. So I guess I can’t be so surprised that Muslim governments have forgotten a few of their principles regarding sex and marriage, but…

I know that criticizing Iran for its sexual conservatism is something like tossing in an extra drop at a bukkake shoot—totally pointless in the face of overwhelming odds—but I still can’t help but be mystified by the ridiculousness of it. Sure, swingers have never exactly been the moral majority anywhere, but who the hell are they hurting?

Exactly. Nobody.

Obviously it was stupid of them to be running a website about open sexuality in a country where homosexual acts (there apparently are no homosexuals in Iran, just people who do homosexual things) are punished by flogging and—you guessed it—the death penalty, and where a testicle is worth as much as a woman’s life. Or where demanding taxes on a prominent woman’s Nobel Peace Prize and beating the laureate’s husband for her supposed crime (when it’s obvious they’re just mad because she’s abroad talking shit about their election stealing) is par for the course. In a country so balls-to-the-wall criminally run by a group of insane religious radicals, I suppose it’s best to keep one’s head down and either not participate in any behavior out of the ordinary, or keep your damn mouth shut about whatever abnormal behaviors you do enjoy. Don’t make a website about your “illicit” sexual inclinations or risk being beaned in the face with rocks.

But then, failing to quake in proper fear of laws as stupidly sadistic as those enforced in the Islamic Republic seems to me more courageous than stupid. A legal system willing to steal a person’s Nobel Prize from her lockbox, or steal an election right out from under its electorate and sentence protesters to up to 15 years in jail or death, is one that needs challenging, even if it’s just by sticking your dick in thy neighbor’s wife and making a website about it. And I mean, shit, is it really adultery if your spouse knows about it and is in the same room when it happens? Is it really adultery in a polygamy-nodding, virgins-as-reward religion? Or just in the Republic based on a superficial, stranglehold-strict reading of that religion? And, if you’re a truly intelligent person, which is more important to virtue? As a believer in the importance of sexual freedom, or at least in the importance of the abolishment of shame and fear tactics in the policing of sex, I say these people are goddamn heroes. – Miss Lagsalot