Remember last June, when everyone was just starting to calm down about what a giant prick John Edwards was for cheating on his wife regardless of her recurring cancer and the loss of their son? Remember how we were all about to turn to the next political sex scandal, and just at the very end of our head-turning there was a rumor that Edwards’s former aide, Andrew Young (who claimed paternity for Edwards’s illegitimate son with his mistress, Rielle Hunter, and who now says he was constantly lying for his boss), had found a sex tape?
Well, from all appearances, that sex tape wasn’t just a hook for a book deal. It’s real, and it’s about to be all up in your face when Young goes on 20/20 this Friday to promote his book about aiding the Edwards family, due out on February 2. This is going to be huge. According to sources at Gawker, Mr. Edwards is “physically very striking, in a certain area. Everyone who sees it says ‘whoa.’”
Ok, first of all: ew. That is disgusting. We all knew he was a giant dick already, but do we now have to hear about and probably see his giant dick? I don’t really want to. As a female journalist in a field full of dudes, I feel like I should be the first to say that John Edwards ain’t too bad looking for a Southern politico. And that’s true. He is kind of cute, but in a sleazy, fast-talking, “I fucked over my entire family during a time of great tragedy” way that isn’t exactly alluring. He may be well endowed, but this in no way makes me want to watch his tape any more than I would, say, Amy Fisher’s tapes. Because both of them are despicable people who have done terrible things to people who didn’t deserve it. I have no interest in seeing this guy fucking his mistress and the mother of his baby (so says Young, anyway), because if I watch it, I’ll just be feeding into his massively over-inflated ego.
I wish I didn’t see this coming, but you stroke-masters know as well as I do that this is gonna turn into the next viral video, the next big scandal, the next media frenzy. But what I can’t figure out is: Why the fuck do we care? We already know he’s skanky, we know he’s gross, we know he’s an egomaniac, we know he had an affair and a child with his mistress while his wife was going through cancer… Are we really gonna get all “Oh my god I can’t believe this happened” about this? Celebrity sex tapes are a dime a deep-dicking dozen, and this guy’s a celebrity. So what’s the big deal? A politician’s sex tape? Oh my holy sweet jumping Jesus, Batman, who would have thought?
I guess there’s some hint of shock in all this, given that when the tape was made and discovered the man was an incredibly high-powered politician making a bid for the presidency and an ardent supporter of family values. Arguably, a man in that position (or any of the other ones he puts himself in on this—gag—tape) should have the foresight and common sense not to let the act itself be put on film. But, I mean, Rielle Hunter was his videographer, and I have a feeling that it was his vastly oversized head (the one on his neck, I mean) that got him so turned on by her in the first place: “She’s always watching me from behind that camera. She must want me.” Furthermore, given what we now know about this man’s risk-seeking behavior, the idea of filming himself fucking was probably too awesome to resist. On some level he must have assumed it would eventually come out and that everyone would piss all over themselves at the thought of watching it. Just like every other fame-whoring wannabe superstar (Kim Kardashian, Paris Hilton, Amy Fisher), Edwards’s own inflated ego got him into lots of trouble already, and it’s about to get him into… well…
You know what? Maybe he should just join up with Heidi Montag, Amy Fisher, and Conan O’Brien and go into porn already. He seems dead set on destroying all vestiges of the family values or respectability he once ran his life and campaign on. He’s apparently got a huge schlong. Seriously, John: What’s stopping you? Why not go whole hog? Nobody has any illusions about you anymore, and any pasty-assed, tiny-dick politico misconceptions are about to go down the toilet when Red Light District gets their hands on the scene and settles with you out of court to distribute it along with their upcoming release, Dick Pleasin Scallywagz (due out on February 2—if you time this right you could release your sex tape the same day your aide’s book comes out).
If that happens, we here at WHACK! might be forced to review it, which isn’t exactly getting us all hot and bothered, but where else do you have to go from here? Your political career isn’t looking too promising, and now you can never be a news pundit without everyone watching you and thinking, “I’ve seen his cock.” Porn is all that’s left for you, and since you’ve already blown your wad all over the face of the adoring American public several times and have some practice playing to the camera, you’ve got the hang of it already. Just bust a few nuts on some sluts’ faces and you’ll be the next disease-ridden joke to land a second chance in the bang biz with both feet. —Miss Lagsalot