THE ROCKI WHORE PICTURE SHOW: A HARDCORE PARODY — “This mental mindfuck was mighty nice!”

THE ROCKI WHORE PICTURE SHOW: A HARDCORE PARODY
Wicked Pictures

Directed by Brad Armstrong

ROCKI WHORES
jessica drake, Alektra Blue, Annie Cruz, Brandy Aniston, Kaylani Lei, Kirsten Price, Lucky Starr, Nicki Hunter, Nikki Daniels, Puma Swede, Brad Armstrong, Dick Chibbles, Jack Vegas, Mac Turner, Marcus London, Randy Spears, Rocco Reed, Ron Jeremy, Tommy Gunn, James Bartholet

Ladies, gentlemen, transvestites, transsexuals, and Transylvanians; tonight we celebrate the birth of a new porno film. A parody of a kind-of parody, an original musical in its own right, and a sumptuous feast of sins of the flesh, Wicked Pictures’ newest big-budget, high-profile homage to horniness, The Rocki Whore Picture Show may become mother and father to a whole new breed of sex cinema. Or, at least, I hope it will.

You all may recall my skepticism when I first heard that Brad Armstrong, Wicked’s highest-profile contract director and brains behind most of the studio’s big-budget ball-busters, was trying his horny hands at the porn parody genre, and that his first lunge out of the fuck-frenzied gate would be a parody of the much-beloved 70’s cult classic The Rocky Horror Picture show. After all, I thought, it’s one thing to parody a recent blockbuster (as Hustler did with Avatar), and it’s not even such a big deal to try to recreate cult phenomena (like Lee Roy Myers did with The Big Lebowski and X-Play did with M*A*S*H). But Rocky Horror isn’t just a cult classic; it’s the cult classic. It’s been thirty-odd years since Tim Curry first strutted across the big screen in heels and corset, warbling about transvestitism and other sexual deviance, and the fan community of the film is still vast enough to support conventions, a thriving market in knock-off costumes, and midnight shows around the country where actors ape every line of the movie and audiences (who not only know every line, but also all the pre-approved callback lines) throw toast. Rocky Horror, in its gleeful parodying of B-horror and sci-fi movies from the pulp era and almost-adolescent eagerness to play around with sexual morality and deviance, is the great grandpappy of the cult film. With a fan community as active as the one Richard O’Brien has rallying around his cheesy masterpiece, Wicked’s Rocki Whore was going to have to ramp up the elbow sex with bells ringing, toilet paper flying, and platforms clacking if it wanted a chance not to be ripped apart. And I, as a reviewer, was nervous because I’m a Rocky fan myself. I’ve been to more midnight shows than you can shake a pack of cards at (and I bring my OWN water gun, thankyouverymuch). I even played Janet in a college stage version of the movie. I know the call-back lines. I kind of worship Tim Curry and Susan Sarandon. I’m a tough crowd.

And so, last week, when The Rocki Whore Picture Show finally landed on my doorstep in all its glory, it was with trepidation and trembling antici… pation that I sat down with a notebook and a vibrator to see what Wicked’s all-star cast of straight porn performers, writers, and big-time director would do with my beloved gender-bending classic.

And, dammit, Janet, you know what? I wasn’t disappointed. I laughed through a lot of it, threw my toast, snapped my glove, and even got myself off once or twice in the mix. I’m not pandering to Brad Armstrong, here, Transylvanians: I actually loved watching Rocki Whore. This mental mindfuck was mighty nice.

It wasn’t all perfect, of course. Certainly, the soundtrack could have used some work. Though the original numbers were adorably cheesy — “Sweet Transvestite” was morphed into “Over-sexed Pornstar,” “Touch-a Touch-a Touch Me” into “Fuck-a Fuck-a Fuck Me,” and “Time Warp” into “Orgy” — they were very badly performed. The background music for the sex scenes was just weird. And not in an endearing way. They seem to have decided that any “old-school” music would work, and the result is a schizophrenic playlist reminiscent of a disco-era house party thrown by a real geek. Furthermore, not all the sex was fappable, particularly the Brad (Rocco Reed, who, by the by, looks scrumptious in nerd glasses) and Janet (jessica drake, who’s adorable as ever) scene, and the Freddie (Brad Armstrong in, hands down, the worst wig I’ve ever seen in a porno, and that’s saying something) and Euphoria (Alektra Blue, who looked and acted so much like the original Columbia I forgot it was a porno till she took her top off) scenes were a bit forced. Watching Stiff Staff (Randy Spears, with the single best porn character name in the history of ever) and Vagina (Nicki Hunter) get it on was a little gag-inducing, given the humpback aspect, but then again, watching Randy Spears get it on is never particularly enjoyable. But some of the drilling was scorchingly hot, too. The very meta lesbian scene between Vagina and Euphoria was out of control; screaming “Euphoria!” when you come is hilariously appropriate, so thank you, Nicki. The Janet and Frank (Mac Turner, whose Tim Curry impression is astonishingly good) encounter was surprisingly sexy, even with the man wearing panties, and the big bang at the end — which I won’t ruin for you now — was Time Warpingly intense.

Sadly, this being a major mainstream porno from Wicked, there was no gay sex in a particularly gay movie, and I’m sure the die-hard fans will have a field day with that very blatant omission. I myself would have advocated for some man-on-man action, particularly given that it would have been between Brad and Frank, inarguably the hottest two men in the movie. It’s a shame I didn’t get it. But this is, after all, a straight porno, and in weighing the balance between pleasing Rocky Horror fans and straight porn fans, I have to admit that the straight porn crowd probably outnumbers the Transylvanians by a long-shot, and Wicked’s trying to turn a buck here. And anyway, despite the sad lack of dude-on-dude drilling, I’ll give Rocki Whore this: for a big-time fuck flick, it got a whole lot closer to man-sex than I expected it to. I mean, hell, Frank does every one of his scenes in full makeup, wig, pantyhose, and sparkly corset and panty set. Even Brad’s straight threesome scene with new characters Mona (Kaylani Lei) and Lisa (Annie Cruz), which replaced the infamous gay sex silhouette scene, gave a nod to homo love: before fucking him silly, the ladies did him up in full floor show makeup, then turned him over to Frank’s sweet ministrations. And Brad was just about to give into Frank’s naughty nothings when Stiff Staff and Vagina interrupted with the announcement of a visitor and thoroughly hilarious dinner (forget serving up human steaks, try “You’ll never guess what’s in the béarnaise!”). So, though there’s no male homo sex in the movie, homoeroticism isn’t nearly as absent as it could have been.

Nor was kink! I’m happy to report that Wicked, a usually very straight-laced studio when it comes to kink in its major films, added some weirdness to the sex in Rocki Whore as an homage to the lifestyle choices of its characters — and its fans, too. I won’t give it all away, but suffice it to say that you’ll never look at Mardi Gras beads the same way again, much less pommel horses.

The acting talent left a lot to be desired, as well, but the beauty of a Rocky Horror parody is that the acting, singing, and dancing in the original were all terrible, too. That was kind of the point. Rocki Whore is a parody of a parody of a genre, and it’s written and acted as such. Nobody is trying too hard to make this into an all-time classic movie, but that’s why it works. And though nobody on screen is trying too hard, their ability to have fun with it is the result of a lot of hard work before filming started. Brad Armstrong, not a huge fan of Rocky Horror himself, knew that it’s not easy having a good time, or pleasing the rabid fan community, so he didn’t try to recreate the original at the risk of failing. Instead, he offered slightly altered versions of beloved characters, identical sets, and a new premise: rather than constructing his perfect coital companion — a male Rocky — Dr. Frank n Beans isn’t just a sex-crazed transvestite alien scientist, he’s an oversexed transvestite alien porn director sex-crazed, who fucks all his talent and has decided to create Rocki, the perfect porn babe (played to ditzy perfection by Puma Swede).

The result is dialogue that throws out callback lines, original script and plot points, and porn lingo (when Frank finally convinces Janet to star in her first-ever porn scene, he crows, “Oh look at you, Bradley! A little suitcase-pimp in the making! This night is magical indeed!”), all wrapped up in a surprisingly sexy and raunchily respectful package with some bright red lips painted on. If you love porn, Rocky Horror, parodies, musicals, or any combination thereof, this one won’t disappoint. And don’t worry, I promise not to tell Janet! On my mother’s graauuuughhh…

—Miss Lagsalot