It’s that time of year again, when everyone in the adult entertainment world is gearing back up for another year of genital punishment, low pay, and general degeneracy. It can be hard for people in our lowly line of work to make a New Year’s resolution to keep getting ganked on camera for another 365 days, so AVN, the benevolent media conglomerate that keeps the jizz biz on its feet year after year, has scheduled its annual awards ceremony in early January. By giving out somewhat tacky statuettes to reward the sex workers of America early in the year, who knows how many would-be drop-outs are kept in the warm and welcoming arms ofthe adult industry every January.
This year there are dozens of awards to be handed out to budding and bedraggled starlets and studs alike: here are my personal picks for the 2011 AVNs!
The Devil in Miss Jones: The Resurrection. It wasn’t always pretty and it wasn’t always standard, but it was hot and it was raw, and it was original. Belladonna can perform most of the other women out there under the table, and when she gets going, there’s no stopping her.
Best Parody – Drama:
The Big Lebowski: A XXX Parody. Ok, so I’m a geek for the Dude, but I also know good writing, decent acting, and fantastic sex when I see it. And I saw it.
Didn’t see any of the comedy nominees. This makes me sad. Why aren’t people sending me more comedies? Get with it, folks, I like laughing too!
Best Gonzo Release:
Having not seen many of these, I’m torn between rooting for Buttwoman vs. Slutwoman and Joanna Angel and James Deen’s European Vacation. I’ve heard good things about both and I love all the performers involved. But seriously, what is Montana Fishburne’s movie doing on the list of nominees? It’s her first time out of the gate, she can’t possibly be that good.
Best High-End All-Sex Release:
Does this imply that gonzo is necessarily low-end? I’m kind of insulted by that. But anyway, I’m voting for Mandy Candy, cause I just fucking love Mandy Morbid.
Best All-Sex Release:
I’m hung on Just Jenna vs. Kristina Rose is Slutwoman! They’re both so fucking hot, I just can’t pick!
Best All-Girl Release:
This is a tough category for me because there are lots of all-girl flicks I love, but I’m gonna have to go with The Interns from New Sensations. I was blown away by how good that movie was, and I was in no way expecting it to be.
Best Anal Release:
I didn’t see this movie, but I’ve seen older versions of the series and they were fantastic, so I’m going to go with Big Wet Asses! 16. I like the excitement denoted by the exclamation mark. What can I say? I’m a sucker for good punctuation.
Best Oral Release:
None of these. All the titles sound angry. Where’s Camille Crimson when you need her?
Best Interracial Release:
Sexual Blacktivity 2, hands down, no question.
Best Internal Release:
Again, I didn’t see any of these, but I’m going with Unplanned Parenthood because that’s a fucking hilarious title.
Best Squirting Series:
Memoirs of a Gusher, again, because the title deserves it.
Best Fem-Dom Strap-On Release:
This Isn’t Max Hardcore XXX. It made me think, which is noteworthy in a strap-on movie, even though it was mildly upsetting.
Female Performer of the Year:
This is a tough one. I love so many of these chicks and their various orifices… How to pick! In the end I’m gonna go with Kristina Rose because, A) she’s one of my favorites and I’m biased, B) she’s worked REALLY hard this year, C) she gives her all in every performance she does, D) I want her to like me, and E) she hasn’t won this yet.
Male Performer of the Year:
Again, this is a difficult decision, but I think I’ll go with Anthony Rosano. He’s not really my favorite from an aesthetic point of view, but he works hard, does a good job, and hasn’t won nearly enough awards for his efforts yet.
Alexis Ford. Again, she’s not always my cup of tea (I tend to go for brunettes and Asians), but she’s worked her ass off for a while now and I’m not even sure she counts as a new starlet!
Best Male Newcomer:
Patrick Knight. I like his style.
Crossover Star of the Year:
I really don’t think I can pick one of these people. So many of them are dear to my heart, and I respect their efforts so much! Getting a glance from the mainstream ain’t easy when you’re coming from a porn background, so every single one of these stars has my respect. Except maybe Ron Jeremy, cause, c’mon, he’s been a crossover star for like fifteen years now. Let him REST on his laurels.
MILF/Cougar Performer of the Year:
Owch, this is tough. I love Julia Ann and Francesca Le and so many others, but I’m gonna go with Raylene. She’s made one hell of a successful cumback to the jizz biz, and she’s worked harder than her co-stars’ cocks to get to the top, with a whole lot of sweat and sexy.
Best Unsung Starlet of the Year:
Not sure why these ladies are “unsung” since I’ve interviewed a bunch of them and they all seemed busy, but I like Juelz Ventura. She’s a pretty ass-kicking babe.
Unsung Male Performer of the Year:
My money’s on Danny Mountain. He’s a solid performer who gets around and puts in a good day’s boning every time.
Transsexual Performer of the Year:
Mia Isabella. She’s a really cool person.
I may be just sucking up at this point, but Tom Byron rocks my socks, and he was fucking hilarious in The Big Lebowski: A XXX Parody.
Kimberly Kane, The Sex Files 2: A Dark XXX Parody. HOT.
Best Supporting Actor:
Evan Stone in Batman XXX: A Porn Parody. I don’t actually know how many acting awards Evan Stone has gotten already, and I’m sure it’s a lot, but he deserves all of them. Evan Stone is hands-down and butts-up the best actor in Porn Valley. I’d almost want to say Nick Manning in BatfXXX, because “Dropping fuckin’ batloads all over your face! Eat my bat-cum!” is a pretty astoundingly awesome line to scream while cumming, but I can’t for the life of me figure out how the movie’s title character got nominated for the Best Supporting Role. Sure, Paul Chaplin as the Joker was pretty f-ing creepy, but he didn’t have nearly as much sex.
Best Supporting Actress:
I’m taking the leap and going with Melissa Monet for Triangle Films’ River Rock Women’s Prison. I don’t care if none of you have seen it because it’s “one of those queer movies.” It’s amazing, and she rocks.
Best Non-Sex Performance:
The movie confused me, but Teddy Zigzag in Sanatorium was sufficiently terrifying to give me some bad dreams. And he can play the piano like woah!
Best All-Girl Couples Sex Scene:
I. Can’t. Pick. One! Arrrggghhhh!
Best All-Girl Group Sex Scene:
D2: Deviance. Teagan Presley + Jenna Haze + Nikki Benz + Adrenalynn = I need to change my pants.
Best Anal Sex Scene:
Sexual Blacktivity 2: Kristina Rose and Prince Yahshua? Yowza.
Best Group Sex Scene:
BatfXXX: Dark Knight, Bobbi Starr, Dani Jensen, Madelyn Marie, Krissy Lynn, Carolyn Reese, Paul Chaplin, Derrick Pierce, Chris Johnson & Danny Wylde. Seriously twisted and seriously hot.
Best Couples Sex Scene:
Malice in LaLaLand, Sasha Grey and Keni Styles. This scene was a little weird, but it’s good to shake things up sometimes. Who says a big Cheshire cat head has no place in the bedroom? And anyway, Keni played his character like a porno Hunter Thompson. He needs props for that.
Best Double Penetration Sex Scene:
Now here’s a toughie. There are two scenes up for the award starring Mick Blue and James Deen, which is a fabulous cock-bination. But who should I pick for the filling in the stud sandwich? Kristina Rose in Kristina Rose is Slutwoman? Or Tori Black in Tori Black is Pretty Filthy 2? Both are lovely brunettes with nice but not huge boobs. Both are consummate degenerates. I guess I’ll give this one to Tori Black, since I already voted Kristina Rose performer of the year.
Best Solo Sex Scene:
Funny that this only includes women, but then, these are the AVN Awards: unlikely upholders of gender stereotypes and traditional sexuality. Anyway, I’m going with Julia Ann in Blu Dreams 2. That woman is something else entirely!
….and I’m spent. Seriously people, the PDF list of nomination is 75 PAGES LONG. I got to page 48 and I just can’t take any more. It just occurred to me that I’m going to this awards ceremony and that there will be nothing to do but drink for the ungodly number of hours it will take to get through all these awards. My god. Saturday is going to be one hell of a night. See you suckers in Sin City!