3D PORN — WHACK WORTHY OR WEIRD?

Tinto Brass, one of the directors of Caligula, shocked the world late last month with the announcement that he plans to make “the world’s first ever 3D pornographic feature.” The statement was shocking because, well, there’s already been a 3D porno (The Stewardess came out ten years before Caligula and was a huge porn-cinema success), but also because the advent of 3D porn features would be a milestone for the jizz biz, and for fans of fuck flicks everywhere. What could this mean for the future of autoeroticism worldwide? Could this be the turning point from jerking off to flat pictures and videos into the unexplored territory of huge honkers bonking your cock as you whack it? To Princess Leia–style holograms, but in the Jabba the Hutt outfit, and interactive? Shit, where are my 3D glasses?

The director of Caligula, the at-once acclaimed and loathed 1979 film that brought real, hardcore sex and brutal, nonsensical violence to the big screen and sparked outrage worldwide, Tinto Brass is infamous worldwide for filming explicit, nonsimulated sex scenes for the movie. But the movie’s producer, Penthouse magazine founder and publisher Bob Guccione, found that the Italian’s choice of performers didn’t meet his standards of Penthouse-level beauty and re-filmed the sex sessions using his very own Pets. Brass, apparently convinced that his film was “ruined by Americans,” now wants to make his hardcore version of the film in 3D (or at least he’s implied as much) to really drive his artistry or perversion or whatever you want to call it home. We’re hoping he wants to use attractive people this time around, too, because this guy is big enough in the film world to get a 3D movie made anytime he wants. And now he seems to want to do hardcore Roman orgies for our viewing pleasure in three dimensions. He hopes to start production this summer.

Cool! But… Wait. Actually… We here at WHACK! have given this some hard thought, and we got to considering the real ramifications of rod-wrenching to a third dimension. And honestly, we’re a little confused and overwhelmed by the prospect. On the one hand, the idea of some big ol’ boobies literally bouncing out of the screen and into your living room during a reverse cowgirl romp sounds pretty sweet—but then there will be the frustration of not actually being able to touch the ghostly gazongas. Granted, most of us would have our hand firmly wrapped around our cocks or crushing our clits at that juncture, but the whole point of terrific tatas is for touching during the dirty deed. When a three-dimensional almost-woman comes waltzing out of your TV, you’ll want that free hand to roam the contours of the hoochie mama in your living room. But holograms are just light, and no matter how hard you try to tweak those nipples, your hand will pass right through them, which could be traumatic when you realize that you’re all alone in your bedroom with a sock and a fast-emptying bottle of hand lotion nearby, and not really on that yacht bending that beauty over the bow… again. HD has already done away with all the grandeur of airbrushed, hairless cooze—can we really handle one more dimension of cold, harsh reality during our most vulnerable moments?

As of now, we don’t have to worry too much. The Guardian makes the very good point that, “Thus far the porn industry appears to be adopting a surprisingly coy approach to the new medium [of 3D films], scared off by the high production costs.” That shit may be taking over every new big-budget Hollywood film, and Tinto Brass may be big and ballsy enough to get his high-end hardcore made, but right now we’re safe from the likes of Anabolic and JM getting their greasy paws on the high-tech and high-expense gadgetry that would allow for 3D filming of POV gonzo anal penetration. I mean, sure it feels good in person, but do I really want to see a stretched-out, cum-filled asshole blown up to four times its normal size on my giant flat-screen? Not really. Thank god mainstream porn hasn’t gotten into it yet, and thank god I don’t have a 3D TV.

…but wait. So where are we going to watch this 3D flick Brass is going on about? Right now very, very few of us could watch Brass’s hot and heavy action in 3D at home, which is where porn consumers return with their spoils—if they even leave the houses to hunt them down instead of signing onto FreeOnes. 3D television is a whole other technology, and it requires special equipment, which isn’t exactly cheap at this point. Does that mean that in order to watch Brass’s big new ballbuster, we’ll have to return to the days of the porno theater? Circle jerks in the dark? Ew. But two-story high big-screen 3D tits? Well… I’m not sure how to feel about all this, but it sure is some food for thought. And masturbation.

But in the end, whether we have to try to sit uncomfortably through Caligula 3D trying not to jerk off in regular theaters surrounded by grandparents and children, or reopen the old Times Square-style sticky-floor cinemas, Brass is really onto something. Technology has a way of getting better, cheaper, and easier to find as time goes on. Before long there’ll be 3D cameras on sale at Best Buy for the YouTube generation to beg their parents for at Christmas, and probably some sort of at-home viewing device aside from glasses. Soon the blasted buttholes of the American porn industry will be blazing their way in three dimensions across pervert’s televisions all over this great country, along with their bedraggled boobies, and Tinto Brass is merely leading the charge. Are we ready for this, America? —Miss Lagsalot

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