BOOBS ONLY LESBIANS — “What’s wrong with just calling yourself bisexual?”

This little slice of crazy, courtesy of Fleshbot, caught my interest. It’s a site called “Boobs Only Lesbians,” and it’s about a “fourth” sexuality its creators believe exists for women. Ladies shouldn’t be limited, they say, to the standard “lesbian,” “straight,” and “bisexual” labels! There should be a fourth option for “women who appreciate the company of women, the beauty of women, but with an aversion to the vag.” This would be the definition of the “Boobs Only Lesbian,” or BOL, which the creators of the site champion in their “Boobifesto.”

…huh.

Now, far be it from me to deride anyone for loving boobs. I love boobs. Big ones, small ones, perky ones, droopy ones, big nipples, little nipples… you name it. I love ’em. I’ll play with them. But I’m still not buying the BOL thing. I mean, how can you be a lesbian without liking the vag? How does that work, exactly? I don’t think it does.

Seriously, think about it: If you don’t like the vag but you like the rack, one would assume you like to get genital pleasure from somewhere, right? And if it’s not the cooze you crave, which it’s not for these women because they find the orifice creepy, then it’s most likely the cock. Sure, there are some in-between trans areas and paraphilias that don’t involve either, but if you’re identifying as a subset of a major sexual classification — lesbian — then it seems reasonable to expect you get your rocks off using some sort of genital means, and the cock seems to be your most likely option. So, if you like cock… and boobs… What’s wrong with just calling yourself bisexual? Lots of us do it every day. It’s not a big thing. But this brand of bisexuality, where you actually have sex with the peen while appreciating hooters also, seems to put you waaaay farther over toward the straight side of the Kinsey spectrum! Actually doing the deed with a tadger because you’re afraid of the twat has got to put you pretty close to straight-bisexual, or maybe just a self-loathing closet case who can’t stand anything below the waist because your own vagina terrifies you. Or maybe a lover of trans-men, who were born with vaginas but feel as if they should have penises, so they wear them under their pants. Nothing wrong with that at all. But it sure limits your field for dating purposes.

Then again, maybe BOLs don’t fuck men, or trans men, or cocks at all, whether they be synthetic or organic. Maybe they just use vibrators and fingers–maybe cocks are creepy, too. Or, who knows, maybe BOLs don’t need genital gratification at all, maybe boobs are enough for them! Maybe there’s a ton of nipple-on-clit action and it takes hours to actually reach orgasm, but it’s incredibly hot to watch… Or maybe the BOLs aren’t any of these things, maybe they’re really closeted tranny chasers too afraid to admit their real desires, in which case all we here at WHACK! can say is,“Read our interview with Mia Isabella and see if your transophobia remains, cause she’s amazing, you bigoted prickless pussies!”

I don’t know, now I’m just confusing myself.

Anyway, I realize that this reaction may be intolerant of me. I may just be reacting badly to something new and different that threatens my already pretty broad ideas about sexuality. But I can’t help thinking that if you want to call yourself a lesbian, then it seems to me that the vag should be part of the parcel, or at least not something you have an actual aversion to. Can you really be a lesbian, a gay woman, if you’re not into the most defining physical parts of the female sex? I don’t tend to think so. If you thinks boobs are bangin’ and you kind of want to play with them, but you’re turned off by the idea of vaginas because of their dark, unpredictably varied, sometimes-dry/sometimes-wet, sometimes-shaved/sometimes-shorn, musky mystery… Then are you a lesbian? Or just a woman who likes boobs? I’m leaning toward the latter. What’s wrong with just being “Boob Enthusiasts With Boobs” — which would appropriately be shortened to BEWBs? …I think I just PWNED the BOLs.

Anyway, seems to me, if you’re scared off by the scent and feel of the down-theres, but you like the up-tops, maybe appropriating the terminology and title of a group of people who have been roundly rejected, ignored, and discriminated against for most of their existence is just not the nicest thing to do. Or, then again, maybe lesbians who like cooch are happy to have the company. I guess I don’t know, because I’m fine with enjoying boobs AND vag, and also cock. I’m comfortable being bisexual and calling myself such. Being a bisexual woman and not getting, “Awww, isn’t that cute, she thinks she’s bisexual!” reactions every time I profess my preference is tough enough. Is it really fair to enjoy a much narrower spectrum of both sexes’ anatomiical offerings and call yourself a lesbian? Or are you just inviting scorn, which I’m maybe too-generously heaping upon you? Maybe you’re just afraid to deal with that whole “bisexual” image, which some people equate with sluttiness. Or maybe you’re so convinced that your enjoyment of boobs is a deep and abiding love that you can safely say you’d take motorboating a pair of double-Ds over getting genital gratification from a dick any day.

But then again… and think about this, BOL wannabes… Maybe being a woman who sometimes drunkenly makes out with other chicks at the bar specifically so guys will watch, then want to take you home, and calling yourself bisexual is along the same lines as calling yourself a BOL. After all, liking boobs is kind of a universal human condition. Most of us have fond, fuzzy, instinctual memories of them providing us with sustenance when we were infants. Their round, pleasing shape retains a certain appeal long after weaning. It’s pretty normal to like tits. But it doesn’t mean you’re a lesbian. I mean, shit, plenty of gay men like tatas, too. But they also have an aversion to the vag. Are they lesbians, too? I don’t think so. I think liking boobs is just in our DNA, you bunch of boob-loving Sapphic imposters!

But, then again, this world can always use more openness about sexuality, and maybe I’m just being prejudiced. Granted, it’d be a prejudice that I think is against people trying to jump the gun on terms that still have prejudice swirling around them and who might be so scared off by more appropriate terms (bisexual, transexual, trannie chasers, etc) that they’re going a little too fast in the opposite direction. And then again, maybe I just have a grudge against those straight girls who made out with me at the bar i college just so they could open their eyes and see a bunch of drunk coeds ogling us… Cause I sure as shit didn’t want their cocks, I wanted PUSSY. Goddammit.

Anyway, much as it confuses and annoys me with its high minded fourth sexuality (meanwhile totally ignoring trans people and other fringe sexualities, so NOW who’s the bigot? Hah! I wiin!), this site has lots of pictures of beautiful breasties all over it, so… I guess I can’t complain.

—Miss Lagsalot