CRYSTAL DELIGHT ANAL PLUG — “Sparkly-ass luxury at its finest!”

Ok, first of all, this little butt plug is far and away the most beautiful piece of glass in my house. And I’m “420 friendly”; there’s a lot  of glass sitting around my abode. But this adorable little toy, which is meant to be stuck up my poop chute, puts it all to shame. Firstly, it’s made of hand blown, smooth, shiny, medical-grade Pyrex that captures the light just right when I set it on my window sill mid-day. The shape is just right: tapered at the top to open up your sphincter juuuust so, then perfectly bulbous below, with a little handle leading down to the stopper, which is what makes this piece of art truly gorgeous. There’s a big ol’ genuine Swarovski crystal embedded in the bottom of it. Swear to god. There are pictures! Look!

Mine is green, because it makes my hair look redder in contrast, but the crystal didn’t make it anywhere near my hair (unless you count the “burning bush,” which is a whole other article). When it arrived in the mail, I greedily opened the box, rummaged through the bubble wrap, and unrolled the beautiful pleather-and-velvet case it came in. Then I held it up to the afternoon sunlight and marveled at how sparkly it is. I’ve got a weakness for sparkles — I was a little girl in the 80’s, after all — and the crystal in this little butt toy seemed to have thousands of them. I took some pictures, turned it over and over in my hand, thought about how beautiful it was to look at… and then remembered that it was supposed to go in my bum.

At first I felt a little sorry to put such a fine piece of art into my no-no spot, but then it dawned on me: this was my first opportunity — ever — to have a sparkly asshole! As I said, I love sparkles. I’ve put sparkles on my eyelids, eyelashes, lips, cheeks, neck, shoulders… really my whole body, at some point or other (especially at concert festivals; drugs are a funny thing). But my ass? I never even thought about it. I’ll admit there were a few times in high school when, as I applied my glitter lipstick, I pondered whether there would later be any glitter in my poo. But I never bothered to check. So, to the best of my knowledge, this Crystal Delights butt plug would be my ass’s first ever jewelry. Its very first adornment.

Without further ado, I grabbed some lube, took up a position in front of a mirror, and slid this beautiful bobble where the sun don’t shine. Now don’t get all freaked out, ladies and gents: I’ve used butt plugs before. I rather love them, actually. So jamming the Crystal Delight in there was something I was ready for, and it felt great. But I wouldn’t recommend that any of you who are less experienced do the same thing without a lot of preparation. For, though the Crystal Delight be but small, it is bulbous, and if your butt isn’t used to taking things in, you might have a dilemma on your hand about how to get this sparkly piece of hand-crafted art inside — and especially back out of — your patootie. There are lots of guides out there you can follow, but the most important thing to remember is: take it slow. Don’t force it.

I’ll admit that, even though I’ve had lots of experience with butt plugs, this lovely little gem still took me by surprise! It’s got such a sleek, shiny look to it that I imagined it would be a rather innocuous presence in my backside, something I could walk around with all day if I wanted to and nobody would be the wiser (except of course anyone who expected me to sit down, because there’s no damn way I’m scratching up my Swarovski on a subway seat). But not so! The sparkles should have made me realize that the Crystal Delight packs a punch! It doesn’t go deep (the piece itself is just over three inches long, including the stopper) but where it does go, it… opens things up.

But it does so smoothly, as only the finest glass can. If you’ve ever played with a glass dildo, or spent some time in a bong shop perusing the merchandise (I feel certain that between our two demographics — stoner and pervert — I’ll have reached all the WHACK! readership with these references), you know the feeling I’m talking about. Smooth, cool yet pleasantly warm when touched, heavy, so inviting you kind of want to just hold it in your hand forever. Well, imagine that same pleasant weight lodged in your derriere. Trust me, if you’re into any kind of anal play, this is a feeling you want. You want it a lot.

And the best part? If you’re alone and you’ve got a mirror, you can watch the sun literally shine (well, not literally; it’s more of a reflection, actually) out of your ass! If you’re playing with a partner and you want to prove your godliness to them, here’s your opportunity. A butt plug is one thing, my friends — a good thing, at that. But a Swarovski crystal-embedded, shiny, smooth, Pyrex butt plug? Sparkly-ass luxury at its finest. I really very seriously recommend getting your own from the Crystal Delights! Especially if you get a green one like mine, it’s the perfect St. Patty’s day gift for your anal-plug-loving partner! Though I risk sounding cheesy when I say it, this is, indeed, a crystal delight.

Post-Script:

A few days after I got and tried my Crystal Delight, I was watching Bordello, the queer porn film from the perverted mind of Courtney Trouble… And wouldn’t you know, the most delectable F2M porn star I know of, Mr. James Darling, was sporting his own Crystal Delight! His is the clear crystal, which is nice and all, but I’m glad I got mine in green. Makes me feel more Irish.

—Miss Lagsalot