IMPERFECT ANGELS: EPISODE 10
Girlfriends Films
No director credit. Weird.
Run Time 151 minutes
STARRING
Jessie Andrews, Magdalene St. Michaels, Jelena Jensen, Andy San Dimas, Avy Scott, Celeste Star, Heather Starlet
I can see what Girlfriends Films is going for with this series. It’s a semi-realistic lesbian story spread out over as many separate movies as whoever’s writing and directing can come up with. And there’s some really hot lesbian sex in it, so whoever’s writing and directing doesn’t have to work too terribly hard to make this all work. But. Guys. I love Girlfriends Films. I love lesbian porn. Really, I do. But sometimes you do have to work a little.
First of all, the title of the series is terrible. It’s not only reminiscent of a Mariah Carey album, but it’s also just kind of clunky. It doesn’t roll off the tongue nicely at all, which is a shame, because if there’s anywhere in the whole world where the tongue should feel rolly and self-assured, it’s a lesbian movie. And really, “Imperfect Angels”? Isn’t the very concept of the angel, one of God’s warriors/posse members, centered around holy perfection? I’m pretty sure the only angel who went decidedly “imperfect” was Lucifer, and we all know what happened to him. Not that these beautiful porn babes aren’t kind of dirty and naughty, but they’re not exactly Satan incarnate, either.
Secondly, the title is taken a little too seriously with regards to the theme music. Thank goodness, this music appears only over the opening and closing credits and nowhere throughout the film itself, but that’s plenty. Not to be a dick here, guys, but Latin choir music? Are you shitting me? This has to be the least sexy music ever recorded in the history of mankind, and while I can see how it fits the “Angels” theme, it is not doing ANYTHING for anybody’s libido. Also, I seriously doubt that the choir that recorded this understood exactly what they were selling licensing rights to when they gave this clip up… Just saying.
Thirdly, for all the focusing on the idea of the characters in this movie being “Imperfect Angels,” I’m seeing very little in the way of support for this idea. Granted, there is one scene in which a young lady is reading a Bible, but beyond that I’m not getting any angelic vibes whatsoever. Seems to me that most of these women aren’t even approaching angel-hood; they’re just confused and conflicted lesbians with sex drives higher than their cognitive reasoning capacities. And I don’t mean that to say that the women in this movie are dumb: they’re not. I’ve met a bunch of these performers face to face and they’re all exceedingly intelligent. What I mean is that, within the context of the movie and the characters they’re playing, these women make really stupid decisions. There’s a stepmother-stepdaughter couple who are dating and had to run away from their husband/father. That’s just messed up. That same stepmother leaves her high-school aged biological daughter alone with a predatory cougar who ravishes her in an agonizingly slow scene. There’s a lascivious landlord who fucks all her tenants. There’s a group of friends so messed up and divided within itself that it can’t even communicate clearly that every member within it is a lesbian. These are just some averagely messed-up humans with beautiful boobs and a real penchant for eating pussy. I’m a huge fan of that, but let’s not call them something they’re not, shall we?
Fourthly (and I promise I’ll quit bitching soon), while I greatly prize plot and acting in my pornography because it’s so often overlooked, and while I very much enjoy lesbian films with a set of strong characters that make me more interested in the action, the plot and writing and acting all need to border on good to get me through the slow, non-sex scenes. Giving a group of women some loose direction about what their characters’ motivations are and how to get into sex with this in mind might be going further than many directors in the adult industry, but when you’ve got a group of women who feel as comfortable in their skins and their roles as these ladies do and the direction you’ve given them is very loose, you fall into a serious trap: the “these women really like to chat” trap. Sometimes it can be charming to see performers enjoying each other’s company and riffing off ad-libbed lines, but after the first ten minutes, it gets boring. Not only that, but when the sound editing department has not bothered to adjust levels so that you can actually hear what they’re saying, long scenes involving intra-friend-group intrigue and gossip can get confusing and boring. Seriously, did we need to plan to hook up so-and-so and what’s-her-face, only to then point out that what’s-her-face is a lesbian and won’t like so-and-so, then decide that what’s-her-face is too good for whosiewhatsit, then pair up whosiewhatsit with that-other-girl so that the original planner can can get into whats-her-face’s pants? I mean, is all this really necessary? We can all look at the back cover of the DVD and see who’s going to hook up with who, so let’s just do away with all the intrigue and mumbled dialogue and get to the boning, yes?
Ok, all that being said, the boning itself is pretty good. The first scene, with Magdalene St. Michaels (who might, let’s be honest, have taken the “Imperfect Angels” theme a bit far with her name) and Jessie Andrews (whose stage name is the same as a girl who used to bully me in elementary school and who I therefore just can’t get that into) is excruciatingly slow, but very soft and sensual, so might be a good pick for ladies who like ladies in a romantic, candle-lit kind of way. The second-to-last scene with Jelena Jensen and Avy Scott is a bit on the slow side, too, but the boobs in this scene are so bombastically beautiful that I find it worthwhile.
The second scene, however, with Jelena Jensen and Andy San Dimas as tenant and landlord getting down and dirty, absolutely blew my mind and moistened my panties. Holy moly (see, I’m refraining from directly profaning the name of God here, since I’m not sure what kind of footing I’m on with all this “Angel” talk) are these two hot for each other. Tit-on-clit action? Check. Screaming orgasms? Check. Scissoring in inventive new positions? Several checks. This scene is one for the all-girl ages, friends, make no mistake. The last scene, featuring Celeste Star and Heather Starlet was also surprisingly hot, given that I don’t find Heather Starlet particularly attractive. But Celeste Star is one of the most strikingly pretty women in the adult industry, and I kind of like the idea that the “Star” is offering the “Starlet” some guidance along the path to supervnova-dom in the form of a thrill-a-minute sex scene that must feature Celeste orgasming nearly ten times.
Of course, given that the film is two and a half hours long and features only 4 sex scenes, I’m a little hesitant to say that this movie is worth the purchase. But then again, those two standout scenes are really fantastic, and if you want some weird musical accompaniment to show to friends sometime at a party, then, well, have at. You’ll probably get a good few orgasms out of the experience, to boot. I did.
—Miss Lagsalot