STAR TREK: THE NEXT GENERATION – A XXX PARODY — “Tame sex is nobody’s friend, especially not those geeks hoping to show their girlfriends how they want to get down at ComiCon!”

STAR TREK: THE NEXT GENERATION – A XXX PARODY

Digital Sin/Revolution

Directed by Sam Hain

Run Time 112 minutes

THE DEGENERATES OF THE STARSHIP ENTERPRISE Kimberly Kane (Dr Beverly Crusher), India Summer (Tasha Yar), April O’Neil (Counselor Deanna Troi), Bobbi Starr (Dr Leah Brahms), Dane DeArmond (Ensign Ro Caren), Rocco Reed (Cmdr William Riker), Xander Corvus (Lt Commander Data), Tyller Knight, Lee Bang (Lt. Worf), Tim Cannon, Brian Street Team, Paul Woodcrest, Giles (Picard)

Well, it’s apparently a big month for big parodies, you fine fapping folks out there. Last week it was Wicked’s Rocki Whore Picture Show, next week will likely be The Justice League, and this week it’s Star Trek: The Next Generation. Frankly, I’m tickled. No offense to those of you who are serious about your self-stroking, but I watch too much damn porn to get all hot and bothered by hours and hours of endless sex… sometimes. And those some times are a bitch, let me tell you. So on nights when I’m just not feeling like masturbating for five hours straight, I love parodies to move me from orgasm to orgasm with some time to relax in between, go get some popcorn, take a shower, whip the gimp…

And this week, Star Trek! And not just any Star Trek! Next Generation, baby! Holy hell I’m ready for this one. I grew up on Next Gen and developed some of my first and therefore most deeply engrained sexual fantasies based on it. For instance, while I’ve never gotten fully into the Sean Connery or Michael Douglas “older-men-are-sexy” boat, Sir Patrick Stewart reeeeally does it for me. That voice! That broad chest! That shining crown of smooth skin! And such authority, such power, such perfect composure, even on strange new planets, seeking out new life, and going where no man had gone before — hopefully the rapidly-moistening wilds of my virginal vagina. And Riker! Whoo, what a hottie! I used to go to bed and nuzzle my teddy bear pretending it was his beard. And I bet, if you took a poll of women who grew up lesbian, queer, or curious, you’d find a high proportion of Next Gen fans; there’s just no way you can take in the bazongas under the sheer fabric of Deanna Troi’s uniform or hear her sultry voice for even one episode without taking an interest in snatch. I bet even straight ladies will admit girl-crushes on her. Now that I’m thinking about it, I don’t think there were really any characters on the Enterprise that I didn’t want to bang back in the day, and now that they’ll all be portrayed by people with bigger boobs and better bodies who want to take their clothes off and play hide-the-fazer, I’m all ears. Let’s see what you’ve got, Federation!

…Hm.

…Well.

Ok, how to spin this one? Um.

Got it! Ok, this movie is labeled “Couples,” which means that it was made with the aim of getting men and women together for the purposes of watching porn and opening up their sex lives to new and different things. Sci-fi geeks need romantic evenings, too. And Star Trek: The Next Generation – A XXX Parody is absolutely perfect for easing the little miss, who may or may not speak fluent Klingon, into a more exciting sex life. And I’m all for more exciting sex lives, sci-fi, and Klingon, though not quite a huge rampaging nerd enough to learn to speak it. But if you came to this movie expecting to see some wild alien-on-human action, or, having seen the superbly made trailers, some alternate universe-shaking orgasms, gangbangs on the deck of the ship, or a massive orgy on the holodeck… or really any sex that isn’t formulaic and boring, you came to the wrong place.

And it’s a shame. The cast is fabulous, minus some abominable goatees (Roccio Reed, weirdly enough, looks like Chris Kattan with a bigger cock when you put a Riker goatee on him, and even the stunning Bobbi Starr has a tough time pulling off that hair). Giles plays a sexed-up version of Jean-Luc Picard, with a slightly less-refined accent and a huge wang. Xander Corvus is just creepy and pale and bad enough at acting to simulate an unconvincing but cute Data. April O’Neil — my god I can’t get enough of her perfect body — is gorgeous as always. Kimberly Kane is actually somehow hotter than the original Dr. Crusher, and even Dane DeArmond’s facial ridges can’t take away from her beauty. Nor can Dana DeArmond’s part-Klingon face ridges as Ensign Ro Caren. But, friends, good intentions, holodeck boning on the bridge of the Starship Enterprise, exceptionally well-made special effects, and weirdly soft, spacey music in the background don’t make a good porno. Nor do good acting or a decent script, thank god, because you’ll find none of that here.

Good sex makes a good porno. And it’s in this department that Star Trek: The Next Generation falls flat on its flaccid dick. Out of all the sex scenes in this movie, I can honestly say that the only one that got me wet on its own merits — and not on the momentary, “Sweeeeet, Riker and Troi are totally gonna get it on! After decades of waiting, at last my life is complete!” feeling — was the “I thought you were dead but now you’ve shown up from an alternate universe and you’re still as hot as ever” sex between Data and Tasha Yar (India Summer). When a sentient android and a back-from-the-dead woman in a horrendous wig have the hottest sex on a double-disc set of a high-budget, all-star porno, you know there’s something wrong.

For serious, every single sex scene is one man, one woman. No threesomes, no girl/girl, no crazy ass positions, no anal… Come to think of it, I don’t think there’s even any pussy licking, and it seems to me that if you tried to get around to banging Bev Crusher without going downtown first, you’d find yourself in the sick bay with a bad case of fazer-butt-to-the-skull. I was particularly disappointed in the Klingon coitus; I fully expected some really hardcore, kinky shit. I know we’ve all seen episodes where Klingons go through the oft-depicted MMA match of foreplay, so I felt justified expecting, at the very last, some slapping, biting, and choking. But now. Aside from some pretty elaborate tongue-sucking and a pretty tame bout of face-fucking, Lt. Worf disappointed me greatly. My dearly held hope for Klingon kink somewhere out there in future-time and space is dead. I mean, I know he’s supposed to be the kind of “tame” Klingon prize of the Federation, but I’d hoped he saved his savagery for sex. Tame sex is nobody’s friend, especially not those Roddenberry fanatics at home hoping to show their girlfriends how they really want to get down at the next ComiCon. Each boning scene starts out rather unceremoniously with a blowjob. Each scene entails a bunch of standard positions, and most of the cumshots (with the exception of Xander Corvus’s truly impressive two-orgasm scene) are even dull. How do you make a cumshot dull when you’re goddamn Jean-Luc Picard? Nothing that man does should ever be dull! Not with a shining pate like that!

For the love of all that the Federation has done for us, we deserve better!

—Miss Lagsalot