STRAP-ON LESBIANS — “Three words: ‘Release your pussy!’”

STRAP-ON LESBIANS

Triangle Films

Directed by Kathryn Annelle

Run Time 212 minutes

THE LESBIANS
Nina Hartley, Sasha Grey, Kristina Rose, Penny Flame, Sandra Romain, Ariel X, Claire Adams, Sinn Sage, Elexis Monroe, Roxy DeVille, Luscious Lopez, Sophie Dee, Kayla Synz, Emilianna

You know, dearest self-love enthusiasts, I sometimes find myself torn when I come home at night. Should I entertain myself with the sights and sounds of all-female, labia-laden love, or should I watch a standard straight porno, where p’s and v’s will be getting friendly? It’s a tough life I lead, I know. It’s so difficult to decide between my stack of womanly wank DVDs and my stack of penis-endowed DVDs — all of which I’ve gotten for free; as I said, my life is tough — and pick just one to watch. So when I got a copy of Strap-On Lesbians from Triangle Films, I rejoiced! At last, all the phalluses penetrating orifices I could ever want, in one movie, and without all that weird, floppy, wrinkly testicle-skin that gets in the way of the view!

When I read the box cover and realized that our dearly departed, now post-porn, Sasha Grey starred in not one but two scenes of this compilation from the annals of Kathryn Annelle’s extensive and kinky collection, I knew I’d found the right movie at the right time. Whereas Kathryn Annelle of Triangle Films often does plot-driven, story-based features, these scenes are compiled from numerous movies, and as such, one need not pay much attention to the “plot” in each one (except the Nina/Kristina scene; trust me, you want to tune in for that one). These are purely lust-driven lesbian scenes with as much kink as you can expect from the woman who wrote and directed the infamous clothespin scene in River Rock Women’s Prison and performers like the balls-out Claire Adams, the  seasoned professional Nina Hartley, and the terrifyingly titillating Sandra Romain. Which is to say, a lot. And it’s hot. Really, really hot. This is like an all-you can eat pussy buffet, with phallus on the side, complimented by a garnish of friendly freakishness. And let me tell you fine fapping folks, it filled me right up!

First off, let me tell you something about Sandra Roman: she may not be a common household name just yet, but if you’ve ever fantasized about wonder-woman in a pretty serious BDSM lesbian scene (and I know you all have, you comic geeks), she is your woman. I don’t know that I’ve ever seen a finer-figured or more eloquent domme; her Romanian accent lends a delicious hint of terrifying to every last syllable of dirty talk. In just three words: “Release your pussy!” Sandra had me under her spell as she screamed at her yummy sub, Sinn Sage. As a pussy owner, let me tell you, one simply cannot disobey an Eastern bloc command like that.

Anyway, I was joined shortly by Sasha Grey and Elexis Monroe, who treated me to a just-slightly-less-hardcore kink fest in which Sasha provided Elexis with her first ever “ass-gasm.” It was very sweet, in a way, as they lay together afterward, Elexis’s cut off denim skirt crumpled up around her waist, discussing the joys of the ass- versus the pussy-gasm. One could almost forget the slapping and choking that had just taken place. Almost. But who wants to forget that, really? Not I, sir.

Emilianna and Roxy DeVille took the screen next with a rapport one rarely sees between performers. These two were so comfortable together that I half expected their sex to be the ho-hum, not-so-horny kind that two long-time girlfriends might have in a sunny bedroom in the afternoon (which is to say, incredibly hot), but oh no! I was so very, very wrong. Emilianna left the screen for a few minutes, I assumed to get her strap-on… but instead she came back wearing a full bunny outfit. A white bunny outfit. With gloves and a big rabbit head. I was, to say the least, surprised by this. Whips and chains excite me, but bunny outfits kind of freak me out. Hilariously, they seem to also surprise Roxy, who squealed with laughter and didn’t stop for virtually the entire scene, even as she bounced around on said rabbit’s big black strap-on. It was… Well… Hot isn’t quite the word, but it was surely interesting. And hey, if you’re into the furry thing, then it was HOT. I’m sure.

Anyway, Kayla Sinz and Penny Flame (this movie is like a who’s-who of both People Who Have Quit the Industry and Miss Lagsalot’s Favorites) get it on next, again with a cut-off denim skirt on display. This is kind of a thing with Kathryn Annelle, I do believe, or maybe just with lesbians in porn? I’m not sure. I’ll have to do some studying of lesbian erotica to find out the truth about this theory, and I’m sure it’ll be grueling. You should all thank me.

Nina Hartley and Kristina Rose (did I mention I love the lineup in this movie?) next have one of, I swear, the most entertaining and hands-down-the-pants hottttt scenes I’ve ever witnessed. I won’t go into too much detail, but let me just tell you something: Nina Hartley can narrate a tease-masturbation-sex sequence like nobody else. And let me tell you something else: Kristina Rose is SO f-ing sexy she makes me get all… Rrrrggghhhhh… And let me tell you something else: when Nina Hartley tells you that when you want something to get hit, you should stick it out… You stick it all out. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it until it happens: Nina, if you ever want to show up at my door with a strap-on, it’ll be open.

Sophie Dee and Luscious Lopez get it on in a slightly lackluster scene next, which should give you some time to recover from the screaming orgasm Nina and Kristina probably just gave you, before you get into the scary-sexy ministrations of Claire Adams and Sinn Sage. When Claire shows up on the screen, I always know shit’s about to get real, and she didn’t let me down this time around.

The movie, and my ability to see straight, ended with Sasha Grey and Ariel X in another bout of almost-sweet-but-not-quite anal strap-on play that managed to convince me that, despite her pretentious demeanor and less-than-impressive acting talent, I will miss Ms. Grey dearly. That girl is a firecracker on the screen, and I have this thing for willowy brunettes… Sigh… Farewell, Sasha! We hope you come back, as so many do, to the fucking fold!

And with that, ladies and germs, I’m off to bed. Four hours and eight scenes of fake p-in-v and cunnilingus and furries and domination after I started, I’m a bit on the exhausted side. But if you’re not, I suggest you get over Triangle Films and order yourself some VOD or a copy of the DVD, stat. Your p’s and v’s and other bits will all thank you.

—Miss Lagsalot