THE BIG LEBOWSKI: A XXX PARODY
New Sensations
Directed by Lee Roy Myers
SPECIAL LADY FRIENDS AND DUDES
Kimberly Kane, Briana Blair, Kristina Rose, Bobbi Starr, London Keyes, Carla Cox, Ashley Gracie, Jackie Daniels, Andy San Dimas, Celeste Star
MOPES
Tom Byron, James Deen, Steve Holmes, Ken Styles, Anthony Rosano, Rocco Reed, Peter O’Toole, Eddie Adams
Let me frank: When I opened my brand spankin’ new copy of The Big Lebowski: A XXX Parody and popped it into the DVD player, I did so with a mixture of giddy anticipation and rug-pissing anxiety. As one of those obnoxious superfans of the Lebowski cult who eagerly recites lines from the original movie at any opportunity and who even corrects people when they misquote it, I knew I was pretty much bound to be disappointed by a porn parody of the classic Coen brothers’ flick. After all, it seemed unlikely that even a high-budget parody like this would have the dough to drop on acquiring the rights to play “Hotel California” or any Creedence. I couldn’t rightfully expect the scenery to be perfect, or the acting to be… well… good. At all. But I really wanted it to be, because I’m a fanatic. Furthermore, the English major in me was screaming that the potential for incredible postmodern metatextualism was beyond belief: a porno about a movie about porno, in which there is a porno? So literary! But the potential for fuck-up-ery was much greater, and much more likely. I was in limbo before I pressed “play.” I wasn’t sure how to approach the XXX parody.
Luckily for me, I was exhausted after a long weekend of travel and partying. Lotta ins, lotta outs, you know? So when the movie came on I was too muddled to get all high and mighty about the proper enunciation of, “Shut the fuck up, Donny!”
And it’s a damn good thing I was. Because the acting was grade A, pasteurized, homogenized shit, which I can’t condone. Of course, it is a porn parody, and in this genre half of the joy would come from the bad acting; it’s the mainstay, the carefully constructed art form upon which the ripping off of legitimate films is based. So, you know, whatever. In the end it actually made me appreciate the masterful performances of the original movie’s actors even more when watching the porn performers mangling the decent script. With, of course, the exception of several cameos by Evan Stone, who could act anyone in porn under the table even after ten White Russians and having had a toe cut off by nihilists. But that’s beside the point; I’m out of my element.
The element being: this parody was obviously written by people who love The Big Lebowski as much as Walter loves In-N-Out Burger. Logs do indeed get jammed, Karl does fix the cable, somebody finally fucks with the Jesus, Bunny’s a cock-hungry leg-spreader, Maude drains the Dude’s gutterballs, Walter (thankfully) doesn’t fuck a stranger in the ass, Donny still can’t get laid, and Tom Byron’s Dude definitely abides, with an enormous Johnson. My only word of warning is that—and I’ll just mention it in passing—a Saddam Hussein look-alike eating pussy is an image I’ll never be able to get out of my head. And you won’t either.
But what really tied this porn parody together—what really brought out the Little Lebowski Rubbin’ Achiever in me—was the coitus. The physical acts of love depicted in this XXX parody were far out, man, over the line even, into the realms of some of the most scorchingly strokable action I have seen in my tenure as a porn reviewer. In the parlance of our times, that’s a fuck-ton of porn I’ve reviewed, and this is still hands-down-the-pants some of the best. Pretty much every performer in this movie turns in one of his her or her best performances, from Kristina Rose tackling an MMF threesome with the kind of unbridled enthusiasm one would usually reserve for a league championship, to Bobbi Star’s sploogefest with Ken Styles’s “Oriental,” to Maude and the Gutterballs girls’ five-woman lesbian orgy.
Let me repeat that: Five. Woman. Lesbian. Orgy.
And not just any five women: Kimberly Kane, Ashley Grace, Jackie Saniels, Andy San Dimas, and Celeste Star all fuck each other’s brains out with hands, tongues, vibrators, and whorish hotness. If you don’t jizz on your rug at least three times during this dirty, kinky, sexy, strongly vaginal dykefest, then you’d better put away your ball and bowling shoes, cause you’re not rollin’ with the rest of us. In the end, it hardly matters whether every scene was scripted perfectly, acted effortlessly, or recreated in excruciating detail. It’s not the issue here that the sets were beautiful, the production quality extremely high, and the original soundtrack actually pretty good. Using the preferred nomenclature, The Big Lebowski: A XXX Parody is so orgasm-inducingly sexcellent that even if you hate the Coen brothers (you sick fuck), you will still furiously jerk-off and cum bucketfuls to this fantastic fuck flick. Seriously, I shouldn’t even still be writing. I should be turning the DVD back on and going in for round two… or six…
Anyway, I’ve never meant this as much as I do right now: go. Run. Don’t walk. Run to your nearest smut repository or to your computer and order a copy. Now. Standards have risen in adult entertainment, and The Big Lebowski XXX is proof. —Miss Lagsalot
Purchase your copy here. Now.
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