THE FATE OF LOVE — “Flying sparks! High temperatures! Sexy.”

THE FATE OF LOVE
Wicked Pictures

Written and directed by Stormy Daniels

LOVING LADIES
Kirsten Price, Alexa Nicole, April O’Neil, Ash Hollywood

LUSTY LADS
Rocco Reed, Bill Bailey, Seth Gamble

The Fate of Love is a couples porno, which is code for almost-softcore-but-not-quite. Not all couples movies are heavy on the roaring fires, engagement rings, and character development, but if you’re looking for a skin flick with a little more to it than banging and a little less going on that DVDA action, then the couples movies are where you want to be. I, myself, have seen a lot of pornos that fall into all kinds of categories, and I’ve realized that most of them have something to recommend them: gonzo is great for hardcore masturbation sessions—get in, get off, get out; parodies are great for when you don’t want to pay much attention but might want to rub one out, or for enjoying with geeky friends and beer. Wicked couples movies are fantastic for making one question one’s own morality. But not in the same way that, say, gangbang movies are.

Let me explain: when you watch something really extreme, involving ten guys, one girl, a frying pan, and a goat, you find yourself sitting there in the discomfort-tinged afterglow thinking, “What the hell did I just do? I’m a horrible human being.” But when you watch a Wicked couples porno, you may very well find yourself examining the plot points and going, “Oh my god, why aren’t they boning yet? Where’s the penetration?” And then, after a moment, going, “…oh my god. I’m a horrible human being.”

The Fate of Love falls into the latter category. This movie’s major failing is that I’m too morally degraded for it. Because actually, as far as pornos-with-a-plot go, this one is really good. So really it is in no way the fault of the film. That’s all me.

Caroline (Kirsten Price) is an invalid of unknown type (Does she have consumption? We don’t find out until way late in the movie! It’s a mystery! [Also, I think I read too many Victorian novels as a kid cause I always want everyone to have consumption; it’s so romantic!]) who’s too sad to get laid. John (Rocco Reed) is a widower whose wife Mary (April O’Neil) was killed in a car accident a year before, on a post-coital ice cream run. We’re treated to a sensual scene in which John and Mary share their last marital embrace first thing in the movie. I love April O’Neil because she has, hands-down, the most spectacular all-natural body I’ve seen in the industry in… ever. Her breasts are perfectly round and unenhanced, she’s got an un-plasticked face that expresses beautifully, and she even sports a luscious natural bush in this movie to underscore her organic hotness. I loved this scene… up until the cops came in to tell John that Mary was dead. Then things got sad real fast. (Another commendation of this film is that, while I doubt anyone in it will be walking home with a Golden Globe, the cast can actually act. Rocco Reed isn’t the next Laurence Olivier, but he can damn well play a heartbroken cutie-pie.)

We skip to Caroline, who’s been dragged out camping a year later with her sister Abby (Alexia Nicole), who has the bad taste to fuck her boyfriend (Bill Bailey) the second Caroline goes to sleep in the tent next door. I certainly hope Caroline brought some earplugs, because the sex the other two have on a sleeping bag by the fire is understated and quiet for a porno, but in real life? Totally loud and annoying. But REALLY fun to watch. Again, it’s pretty softcore action, but hey, it’s happening right next to a crackling fire! The danger factor alone makes it more exciting than most hardcore scenes! Flying sparks! High temperatures! Possible first-degree burns from the proximity! Sexy.

Anyway, Caroline and John meet randomly on a walk through the woods the next day — John was writing in his diary to his beloved, departed Mary — and instantly hit it off. But, over the next few… weeks? Months? I’m not sure what the time frame is, as the montages don’t provide a good sense of time’s passage, and obviously porn boobs don’t sag, so hell, it could be years! Anyway, they become close friends who are obviously into each other — so into each other that Caroline rubs one out in the shower to the thought of playing tennis with him, while John, ever the sad, sweet type, scribbles love notes to his dead wife in his diary over sad violin music. Aww! (On a side note: I wish I was cultured enough to know anything about tennis, cause I’d love to be able to criticize porn stars for their backswing in these scenes. Sigh. Also, why is Caroline not using her obviously-high-powered showerhead to masturbate? Couples porn is so confusing sometimes.)

At any rate, the point is that both of them are too damaged — John emotionally and Caroline physically — to move forward with their relationship. And that’s where my moral questioning came in. I realized that during these cute little montages and character build-up, I was sitting there thinking, “Oh my GOD, too much acting! Where is the sex?!” Which could be a criticism of the movie if you went into it thinking it was anything but what it is: a schmaltzy erotic film more than a porno. But if you seriously purchase this DVD with that cover on it and think it’s going to be balls-out action all the time, you are very, very naïve.

I realized that I’ve complained about a million times before that I find the sex less interesting if there’s not some back story. That I’ve criticized many films for not taking enough time with the lighting and sound editing, that the positions the performers assume are too ridiculous, that the acting isn’t convincing, that the movie part isn’t good enough or long enough. And I realized that I couldn’t fathom a situation in which people would go out on more than two or three dates before banging — that I found it implausible. That I was aching for the pounding to begin. What kind of hypocritical, horny, morally degraded degenerate was I?

And then finally — after a very pleasingly thrown-in scene between Ash Hollywood (a beautiful young woman who could be the girl-next-door-who-really-loves-anal; although we sadly don’t get to watch her indulge her passion, I have a hunch) and Seth Gamble — John and Caroline admit their love, get naked, and get it on. And it’s good. By far the hottest, dirtiest, toe-sucking-est (cause why not?), and most convincing scene of the movie, and saved for last? Aw, jeez, Director Daniels! Thanks!

—Miss Lagsalot