THE GOLDEN GIRLS: A XXX MILF PARODY — “The theme song lead in cracked me up!”

THE GOLDEN GIRLS: A XXX MILF PARODY
New Sensations

Directed by Lee Roy Myers

GOLDEN GIRLS AND GUYS
Diamond Foxxx (as Blanche), Raylene (as Dorothy), Jewels Jade (as Jean), Julia Ann (as Rose), Rachel Love (as Sophia), Puma Swede, Johnny Castle, Rocco Reed, James Deen, Levi Cash

I wasn’t sure how I felt about New Sensations making a XXX Milf Parody of The Golden Girls when I first heard about it. I mean, sure, Raylene is one of our faves here at WHACK!, and she told us it’d be fun, but I wasn’t sure if I was ready for it. I grew up watching The Golden Girls, and every time I watch an episode I’m amazed by the talent, the wit, and the perfect pacing of the show. For a prime time sitcom about four old ladies in Miami, it was brilliantly crafted, beautifully acted, and really fuckin’ funny.

But it was a show about four old ladies, and while I’m totally down with the MILF and cougar movements in the porn community, I was kinda… like… ew. I mean dude, Blanche Devereaux was a hottie in her own right, and Dorothy had a kind of hot, no-nonsense, dominatrix thing going on, but I didn’t really want to think about any of them getting their freak on. All the jokes about Blanche being a slut were funnier because you never saw her being slutty, you know? It left all kinds of room for jokes, and what’s there to giggle about after you’ve seen her splayed open on the famous kitchen table where Sophia drinks her tea?

But then in a sudden tragedy, Rue McLanahan, aka Blanche Devereaux, icon of the sexually liberated older woman, probably one of the shaping influences of my budding sexuality, passed away. Suddenly all I wanted was Golden Girls, any way I could get them — even if that was getting ganked on the coffee table. So I got myself a copy of The Golden Girls: A XXX MILF Parody, and I prepared to look at Rose in a way I’d never have imagined on my own.

The theme song lead in cracked me up: “I’m just so happy that you’re you/There’s so much of you inside of me/I hope that part of me’s inside of you too/Every time your door unlocks/I’ll be standing there with my big box/Waiting for my chance to blow you/Awayyyy/I’m just so happy that you’re you…”

A good start to an acceptable movie. The plot revolves around the impending visit of Dorothy’s lesbian friend Jean, who apparently has an ongoing crush on Rose, the prude. Rose is understandably upset because of what happened last time… cue flashback!

The thing I can’t understand about this flashback sequence (which is pretty much the entire movie) is that, despite it being set somewhere in the late 60’s if I did my math right, all the women are wearing late-80’s appropriate clothing. They’ve all got younger-looking wigs (but not more attractive wigs—Raylene had complained to me about the wig they made her wear, but holy shit, I wasn’t prepared for this!), less old makeup, and they’re supposedly all twenty years younger, yet they still dress like a bunch of old maids in Miami in 1990. Gaudy jewelry, capris, ugly shoes, garish colors… kind of like porn chicks normally dress, except old. And while gigantic fake breasts do look lovely when they’re bouncing around during a naked boning bout, they don’t do much for the figure when their owner is wearing a big baggy bright yellow shirt with a raucous red, green, yellow, and black patterned top over it. They make the wearer look kind of short and fat and dumpy, and that’s a damn shame because Julia Ann, Raylene, and Diamond Foxxx are anything but short, fat, and dumpy.

But! All that being said, the movie’s still pretty fun to watch. Jean, the visiting lesbian, makes advances on Rose, who loves her but just isn’t gay, and who has sex with the flower delivery guy to prove it. Blanche, who’s decided she’ll try to turn Jean on to cock while she’s visiting, takes a break to seduce the plumber. Dorothy rediscovers her womanly wiles when the landscaper shows up. And Jean, heartbroken that Rose doesn’t love her, has a romp with another plumber who shows up in the middle of the night. And while I can’t, for the life of me, picture Rue McLanahan, vixen though she was, yelling, “punish that little fuckin’ pussy!” I can appreciate that the movie tried to recreate the feel of the real Golden Girls at least a little bit. Rose goes on weird rambles about farm animals in St. Olaf, Sophia makes snide comments about everything, Blanche gets dreamy and distracted about hard man muscles, and Dorothy keeps everyone from getting too crazy. Raylene and Julia Ann both put in pretty good performances, and though I wish Rachel Love as Sophia were a bit snarkier, she gets the last laugh.

As the movie seemed to be drawing to a close I was disappointed that Jean, the “lesbian,” had decided to go bisexual. The whole plot had been revolving around girlie love, yet there was none to be had in the film! “If this turns out to be a movie about how women can’t survive without the cock,” I thought, “I’m gonna have to go find a woman and fuck her just to make myself feel better.” It sure appeared to be wrapping up neatly with everyone having had their fair share of hetero humping, when Sophia announced that she was trying to get her “laundry” done before the early bird special. She shuffled off to her bedroom, only to find a buxom blonde (Puma Swede) waiting in her bed. “It’s Laundra, actually,” she informs Sophia, and then proceeds to lesbian love the SHIT out of her!

I LOL’ed the whole way to the bar, cause after that lezbo scene (arguably the hottest in the movie, but the Jean/Plumber scene might give it a run for its money) I had to find me a girl (not golden) to take home! —Miss Lagsalot