ULTIMATE SURRENDER TAG-TEAM FEATHERWEIGHTS FIGHT & FIST TO THE BITTER END

Last night’s live tag team match-up of the featherweights, broadcast live on Kink.com from the Armory in San Francisco, was one hell of a match, ladies and gents! Yours truly was there with bells on to get a peek at the smallest and toughest girls from the internet grapple, grope, and fuck each other into submission right before her very eyes, and the eyes of hundreds of other screaming fans. Personally, I was super-excited: not only is the spectacle of wrestling always kind of homoerotic and therefore exciting anyway, but the women wrestling last night were all under 105 pounds; they were MY SIZE! I have long maintained that I’m tough as really small, pointy nails and that nobody should take my diminutive size for weakness, so watching the tiny ladies of Team Blue (Serena Blair & Emma Haize) take on the equally little ladies of  Team Yellow (Gia DiMarco and Lyla Storm) was so validating for oft-mocked, Napoleon-complex-bearing, 95-pound me.

And what a match it was! For serious, you guys, they were tied neck-in-neck for the first three rounds, points being awarded in nearly equal parts as the fighters fondled, fingered,  licked, smothered, face-sat, and kissed in a desperate struggle for dominance. Team Yellow’s long, lean, tan Gia and Lyla dominated early, their eagerness to fight and fuck clear in their grinning faces, hile Team Blue’s paler, more buttery-bodied Serena and Emma got pounded, but over the course of three twelve-minute rounds, I learned a few things: 1) tall, skinny girls are WIRY and not to be meddled with, but 2) compact, pale, Irish-looking girls are STRONG. These girls were rookies, and their inexperience showed in their lack of solid wrestling moves, but Emma Haize, whose teammate Serena seemed a bit out of her depth as she was forcibly fingered by the Yellow ladies, dominated this match. Emma was shorter and less lean than her opponents, but the grim determination on her face as she held Gia down and smothered, fingered, and kissed her all at once was truly impressive. This woman was strong as a very small ox, and not about to let the championship go.

When she won it for Team Blue, she got her just deserts: a six-woman strap-on orgy starring Team Blue and Kink.com staples Isis and Donna, in which Team Yellow’s Gia and Lyla were double-teamed by giant dildos for a full twelve minutes. The best thing about Ultimate Surrender? There are very happy — actually GUSHINGLY happy — endings for everyone. In the end, especially on International Fisting Day (which was duly observed by Team Yellow, several times over and much to the glee of the audience), everybody wins.

— Miss Lagsalot