Vivid Entertainment—one of our favorite skin flick studios here at WHACK!—has been pulling a whole lot of publicity stunts asking B-list celebrities to go into porn lately, then sending out press releases to the media to kick up hype over their offers. We here at WHACK! are a little conflicted over how to feel about these ridiculous yet hilarious attention-grabbing antics. I mean, we’ve made our fair share of suggestions that people on the “morally upstanding” side of the fence cross over to the sexy side, and we are absolutely not above attention-grabbing antics ourselves. But Vivid has been offering big money and bare-ass screen time to just about anyone with a pair of gonads lately, and we’re a little grossed out by their latest one for a few reasons.
Last week, “Octomom” Nadya Suleman apparently was offered the $460,000 she needed to stave off foreclosure on her home, where she houses her fourteen children and herself, if she’d agree to sit down and sign a year-long, jizz-soaked contract with Vivid. Now, we understand that MILF porn is big these days, and we do recognize the fact that Ms. Suleman is pretty hot for a mother of fourteen. Hell, we’d be willing to watch her use that birth canal for other purposes, if it came to pass.
But despite the depths of degeneracy we’ve just revealed to you, there are a bunch of reasons we don’t entirely approve of Vivid’s behavior at this juncture. Firstly, it’s nice that they want to help her pay off her mortgage with a cool $460K—she’s missed a few payments and is way behind on other bills—but last year around this time, Vivid offered her a one million dollar deal for the same thing they want now. Stingy motherfuckers! Steve Hirsch, where is your dignity? I mean, we know there’s a recession on and all, and granted, chick did turn you down first time around, but is this really an occasion for sour grapes? Hirsch, this is your chance to prove that you’re the bigger man by offering a better deal. Now that Octopussy… er… Octomom is down on her luck, a big fat offer like the one you wanted to shove into her last year would set the right mood and might get you a lot further toward getting in her pants. And we know you know it’d be worth it. This woman would make you serious bank—she’s famous for what she’s done with her lady parts already, and you know the sick fucks who buy your movies would pay top dollar to watch her use it in new and exciting ways. And we’re willing to bet that a woman with a track record of using her reproductive tract as a racetrack for infants would be able to do some amazing things with her nether regions that the world has never seen in HD! She’s a goddamn goldmine, and all you can offer is to cover her house payments and a health plan? For shame, Hirsh, for shame.
But it’s not just Vivid being douchey about all this. Oh, no, a woman who makes such ingenious decisions as having eight children at once after having already birthed a herd of them, has made another whacko brain move: rather than signing on with Hirsch, she has accepted an advertising deal with PETA. PETA, the animal-rights group comprised entirely of assholes and almost entirely of borderline mentally handicapped folks who think that cows should be set free (because that makes sense—can you imagine wild, roaming packs of Holstein cattle, their udders full to bursting and leaving trails of sour milk wherever they go, crapping on suburban lawns and stalling traffic?) has made a $5,000-a-month deal with Suleman. They’ll be displaying a sign in her front yard featuring a a cat feeding a litter of kittens and reading: “Don’t let your pet become an ‘Octomom.’ Always spay or neuter.”
…so, Octomom is ok with a group famous for their utter lack of respect for animals and people mocking her on her own front lawn. But she’s not ok with Vivid, a porn company famous for its hot motherfucking movies and utter lack of respect for just people paying her way more money to further exploit her Octomom status? This doesn’t equate.
There might be a glimmer of rational thought somewhere in all this. Or, something like rational thought. According to her lawyer, Suleman took a vow of celibacy over a decade ago, and has turned down Vivid’s offer because she “prefers animals to men.” It’s well known that her morally dubious hyper-fertility was a product of in-vitro fertilization, so she apparently she doesn’t really dig the dick. Well, ok, that’s fair. But when you get to thinking about it, PETA is in essence no better than Vivid as far as the average IQ of its headlining members; the organization is as much of a shameless fame whore as most porn stars and Suleman herself; and apparently it’s a hot new place for porn stars to be: Sasha Grey just shot a nude video ad for them advocating spaying and neutering, too. Maybe agreeing to hop into bed with the creeps over at People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals is a subtle signal to the sleazebags over at Vivid that she’d be willing to consider their offer if they bump it back up to a mil.
And why wouldn’t this woman be considering it? This is the lady whose attention-seeking behavior is matched only by the ‘tards at PETA and… porn stars. She not only got herself knocked up with octuplets when she already had six children under the age of seven, but she then publicized the fact and gladly took “charitable” donations from anyone willing to give them, and has graced just about every talk show and tabloid on the planet since then. She’s been in talks basically since the kids were born to start a reality show; one of the ideas was of documenting the kids’ lives—without their consent, obviously—until they’re eighteen. There would seem to be not a trace of shame in her—porn seems like a logical next step.
So really, it’s probably up to The Hirschinator to take one for the team and pony up a serious offer to this woman. Hirsch, we know you can do it; you already offered it to her once, and since then you’ve given out offers to John Mayer, Miss California, Elin Nordegren and every other woman who’s ever slept with Tiger Woods, and god knows who else. But you can’t offer Octomom a million? Those kids are gonna deserve goodly sized trust funds when they grow up, what with the horrible child-fame shitstorm their insane mother will certainly put them through.
And, Hirsch, now that we’re on the topic, we might as well ask: why the shit have you not offered anything to Heidi Montag yet? The woman is a walking plastic surgery disaster with the fame-whoring capacity of Suleman, Kardashian, Hilton, and Lindsay Lohan’s dad combined. She’s got it all, including a very likely surgically enhanced pussy, and she’d bring in the frat boy demographic like woah. She went up like five thousand cup sizes in one day already, and her collagen content is somewhere in the mid teens. We’ve already sent an open letter her way, encouraging her to consider adult entertainment, but we could use your help with another of these fat dealsof yours. Of course, we suppose, being the intelligent businessman you are, that you’ve realized she’ll fall face-first into a pile of porn any day now, but some financial incentive sure couldn’t hurt. —Miss Lagsalot
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