BLIND DATE — “A pretty potent prick-pumper of a picture!”

BLIND DATE

Wicked Pictures

Directed by Stormy Daniels

Run Time 94 minutes

BROADS
Kaylani Lei, Alektra Blue, Alexa Nicole, Briana Blair, Brynn Tyler

BONERS
Barrett Blade, Brendon Miller, Kris Slater, Randy Spears

I’ve gotta hand it to Wicked, Stormy Daniels, and Kaylani Lei: they put together a pretty potent prick-pumper of a picture with Blind Date. There are few things in this world I enjoy more than watching Kaylani Lei, the Asian sensation that Wicked is lucky enough to claim as a contract star, sex it up, but when you add her notable acting talent, pretty good writing, a cast of other performers who actually can act their way (for the most part) out of a paper bag, and a decent plot to a mixture already generously peppered with other couples getting it on, I cum away happy with a pussy-eating grin on my face.

I won’t do a long recap here, but suffice it to say that Alicia (Kaylani) and Michael (Kris Slater) get paired up on a blind date by Alicia’s dad, Michael’s boss. Neither of them is interested in the idea, but they find an instant mutual attraction and start a nice evening with dinner. When both their ex-significant others show up with plans to ruin their night, though, things go hilariously awry. Let’s just say that hard drugs, arson, redneck accents, a whole lot of boning are involved.

I wouldn’t say that most of the sex in Blind Date was that much above average; most Wicked flicks offer a mixture of vanilla and slightly-hotter-than-average vanilla with a healthy dose of upholding traditional American sexual mores, and this one is no different. Of course, there’s some bisexual lesbian play, some premarital sex, and some serious objectification of women going on here, and some even less-common American sexual traditions thrown in, like married sex with a much younger, fake-titted woman and a threesome gone wrong when the girlfriend gets mad at the prospect. Talk about variety! But while none of these standard sex setups is exactly mind-bogglingly new and different, that certainly isn’t to say they’re not fun to watch. If there’s one thing Wicked always delivers, it’s vanilla sex with a sprinkling of extra delicious. Kaylani Lei is one of the most drop-dead gorgeous women in the business, and her costars Alektra Blue, Alexa Nicole, Brynn Tyler, and Briana Blair (especially Briana Blair) are eye-candy of the type only Wicked can afford. Which is to say, slobber-inducing, gold-plated, Belgian chocolate grade candy.

The viewer does, alas, have to battle through pretending not to notice that Barrett Blade, Randy Spears, and Brendon Miller are banging them, and none of these guys will ever win a beauty contest. But they can all act, and they do act, like a loser living in his mom’s basement with a raging libido, a creepy old redneck with a hard-on for lottery tickets, and a real turd of a young redneck with more tats than brain cells, respectively. And atop their acting prowess, these men layer a stripe of guaranteed sexual performance prowess that one need only remember they’ve been hired by Wicked to confirm; these guys aren’t just mopes picked off the streets to bone some porn hopefuls! These guys are the cream of the cum-shot crop. Not only are they comfortable getting all up in the likes of porn royalty like Kaylani and Alektra, but they’re smooth enough to do it with condoms on and suave enough to be able to rip that condom off in one swift, no-nonsense motion before creaming all over their costars’ faces. These guys may not all be lookers, but they damn well deserve a nod from this reviewer. And, hey, Kris Slater is kind of a hottie. It all evens out in the end.

Anyway, the point here is, while a lot of porno flicks labeled “Display in the COUPLES Section” are a recipe for boning so boring and predictable and drowning in saccharine-sweet fake romance, Blind Date sets itself apart. It’s funny enough to border on interesting, but it still provides sex sizzling enough to get both sides of a couple interested. Or, you know, since you’re reading this rag, just your lonesome self.

—Miss Lagsalot

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