BLOW GUARD — “I positioned it on my lower set of teeth, kneeled, and went to town on my boyfriend’s nether regions.”

We here at WHACK! have been targeting the sad, lonely, perverted male demographic since our inception, both writing for and blatantly mocking our readership’s inability to get laid by a real woman since our first issue. We love parading around the fact that we hang out with and interview some of the hottest whores on the planet, booze it up with them at industry events, and are in every way superior to the sad saps who read our filthy offerings.

But one day I realized three things:

1.) I’m a perverted, horny, kind of creepy person who skulks around the periphery of the porn industry and enjoys masturbating to skin cinema—but I’m a woman. There have to be others out there like me, and they have to be aching for some raunchy reading material, too.

2.) While most of the porn industry is created by and for men, there’s a whole other portion of the larger jizz biz geared almost entirely at women: sex toys. They’re made for women to use on themselves, on dudes, and on each other, and there are thousands of them.

3.) I’m a perverted, horny, kind of creepy woman who works for a porn industry magazine. If that doesn’t scream “get sex toys for free and review them,” then nothing does.

So here I am, happily reporting back from the realms of racy reviewing, with a new, once-a-month segment for WHACK! readers with pricks and pussies alike! I bring you: Perverted Products for Pussies and Pricks, installment one. I’m here to test out pervy products (which I get for free—did I mention that part yet?) and report back to you randy readers about how well they perform on myself, my boyfriend, and/or my girlfriend. First up in our feast of filthy frolicking: The Blow Guard (my free sample Blow Guard, that is. Free. Did I mention that part?)

I’ve been eyeing these weird little oral sex aids for a while now and wondering how they measure up against their marketing. The website claims you’ll have: “Explosive blow-jobs! Electrifying cunnilingus!…Avoid tired jaws, exhausted tongue, teeth nicks while delivering mind-blowing oral pleasure at the same time!” I figured those were some pretty powerful claims, so I determined to get my hands, and mouth, on one and try it out.

The Blow Guard is an ingenious device that consists of a very soft and easy-to-wear mouth guard with a small vibrator on the front of it. It can be worn on the upper or lower teeth, depending on the sex of the person it’s being used on (always the uppers to cuddle up to the clit on chicks and usually the lowers to diddle the dick on dudes), and it enhances the experience of getting head. Sounded pretty sweet. So at the AVN expo I approached Dr. Joe Blow (actually, he goes by just “Dr. Joe,” but c’mon), a dentist from Ohio who created and now hawks the Blow Guard at trade shows, for a free (free!) sample. A few weeks later I was in possession of my first mouth guard since field hockey in high school.

It was kind of difficult to get the little vibe, which comes separately to make washing the guard easier, into the small pocket on the front of the mouth guard, but I guess that’s good because you wouldn’t want it slipping out covered in slobber, mid-mouth sex. And, once it was in, it was easily turned on—just like my man. I positioned the Blow Guard on my lower set of teeth, kneeled, and went to town on my boyfriend’s nether regions. I was happy to note from the sounds he was making that he was definitely digging it. Dudes don’t always go for vibrations, I’d always heard, because even though they feel good on the goodies, they don’t have the same physiologic effect on male parts as they do on a clitoris. But from the sounds he was making and the vivacity with which he started fucking my mouth, I’d say vibrations on the cock have got something very good going for them.

On my end things were a little more difficult. Firstly, even though the thing was easy to put in and pretty easy to keep in, the rubber blocked the flow of spit that I usually try to slather on his skin. I don’t use lube very often, especially not for fellating, because it kind of tastes like ass, but it’s a good thing the Blow Guard comes with a little packet of Sex Tarts lube. I took the guard out a few times to spit, which my man loved (What? We watch a lot of porn!), but I found it kind of cramped my rhythm and style. Furthermore, the vibe is a little loud, and when it presses up against teeth, even through the mouth guard, it makes quite a racket. On top of that, it looks totally ridiculous. Even if you close your mouth completely over the guard itself, the little vibe sticking out the front of your mouth looks pretty stupid. But then, blow jobs aren’t about looks, they’re about feeling, and my man was definitely feeling good.

All things considered, the Blow Guard was a rousing success. My boyfriend said later that the vibrations weren’t very strong-if they’d been a little stronger he might have blown his wad sooner, but it sure enhanced his experience. It wasn’t as easy to give good head as all the advertising said it would be, what with the spit-stoppage and the noise and all, but he liked it enough that I’ll give the Blow Guard a solidly positive post-coital review. The vibe was a lot of fun on every private part I approached, and in the end, well… We’ll use it again. Hopefully on me next time. —Miss Lagsalot