CHESTNUTS
Zero Tolerance
Directed by Danny Case
Run Time 141 minutes
CHESTY NUTS Kagney Linn Karter, Courtney Cummz, Mason Moore, Nikki Sexx, Mackenzee Pierce, Brandy Aniston, John Strong, Mark Wood, Pat Myne, Mr. Pete, Mick Blue, Michael Stefano
I’m going to go ahead and award this movie high marks right off the bat, on the basis of one thing alone: the title. I cannot fucking believe that no one has taken the name Chestnuts for a porno movie yet. How could that one have gotten by the porn-naming police? I mean, it’s better than any other possible type of nut for a porno — unless we’re talking gay porn, in which case there are a few that might hold up better, like tree nuts, soy nuts (for hippie gay porn), maybe peanuts, etc. But I mean, Chestnuts? It’s got two anatomical terms in it already! It’s definitely got walnuts beat. Hickory nuts, too. Pine nuts is just silly. Brazil nuts could be hot, but then again, there’s all those trannies in Brazil porn, who are awesome in their own way, but they don’t hold as wide an appeal.
No, I think Chestnuts has got to have the entire field of simple food references beat in the world of heterosexual blue films, and I’m appalled to know that it is the year of our lord 2010 and this movie has just been released. Oh, wait, I just realized that this movie has more going for it than just the title! It’s actually got three things deserving of high marks before I’ve even pressed play: the title, and both of Kagney Linn Karter’s boobs gracing its cover. They are just lovely to look at, and it makes me feel all warm and fuzzy… and a little hot and bothered… inside to know I’ll be seeing more of them.
I must, however, now that it has occurred to me and will not stop occurring to me, make a note that the one downfall of a name like Chestnuts is the almost-immediate ghost-voice of Nat King Cole singing, “…on an open fire, Jack Frost nipping at your nose…” And while I can see a scene between Kagney with “Jack Frost” nipping at her nipples being delightful, Nat King Cole has got to go. He does not fit in here amongst these chestnuts. I love you, Nat, but you’re creeping me out.
Ah well, let’s proceed to the action. There would appear to be, from the short intro sequence, a lot of anal sex in Chestnuts land, which is a little surprising. And, since I’m still on the Christmas kick with Mr. Cole, I’m making some very new and startling associations with hot chocolate. Ew. Dammit, porn, you ruin EVERYTHING.
The scenes are pretty standard all-sex fare, with some cute intro sequences involving a car breaking down, a personal trainer, a surprise threesome for a guy’s birthday, and of course the obligatory Mr. Pete. Kagney’s chestnuts do not disappoint, and the titty fucking is pretty out of control throughout — I love watching a good titty fuck: it’s something new and different, and it’s just plain hot to watch. But I have to admit that by the end of the movie I was getting a little bored with the perfectly round and immovable hunks of silicone parading around as breasts. Because the thing about titty-fucking that makes it so fun is that boobs are supposed to be squishy and malleable and soft, and they should wrap around a cock with the loving tenderness of a vagina, at least in theory. But gigantic implants are neither soft nor pliable, and they can’t really wrap around anything. They can just be pushed upward so they provide a canal for the cock to glide through, which I still nice and all, but I can’t imagine it feels nearly as good. One pair of natural nubbins in this flick would have made me happy, but alas, there were none.
Ohhh, wait, I get it! I think I see why the title Chestnuts was so appropriate here! All these tight, unnatural boobies being fucked while standing straight up at attention and barely moving… they’re hard! Like nuts! Silicone chestnuts. Ah, lovely!
—Miss Lagsalot