HOLLYWOOD WHORE! THE INFAMOUS KACEY JORDAN — “I expected little, and I got it in abundance!”

HOLLYWOOD WHORE! THE INFAMOUS KACEY JORDAN

Vivid, Seduxx, and Sunlust Pictures

Directed by Sunny Leone

Run Time 92 minutes

HOS AND HARD-ONS
Kacey Jordan, Derrick Pierce, Charley Chase, Evan Stone, Marcus London, Tommy Gunn

One might think that, given Kacey Jordan’s current fame, gleaned from the star’s vampiric-yet-Ooompa-Loompa-fied soul sucking of Charlie Sheen’s mojo, that Vivid might have put together a compilation that was a fitting ode to her stardom. And the cover of Hollywood Whore! sure looks like they did; it’s got a fake People magazine cover with her on it in her bright-orange glory, except rather than reading “People,” of course, it reads, Porno. (Everyone here at WHACK! slapped themselves on the forehead when we realized we’d missed out on an excellent name and branding strategy for our humble publication… ah well, you can’t win ‘em all.)

But as so often happens with compilation cut-ups like this one, the infinitesimal cost required to get a bunch of on-the-shelf scenes already filmed (but apparently not released: the cover boasts “5 Exclusive NEW Scenes”) by the girl in question seems to have been all that Vivid was willing to spend on this film. The movie’s menu doesn’t even have music. There’s no in-between dialogue to tie the scenes together. All that’s constant is the sunny, bronzed (kind of orange, actually) and blond Kacey herself. Tiny tits, wincing smile, almost-shy sex noises, girl-next-door look and all. I shouldn’t have expected anything. As it was, I expected little, and I got it in abundance.

Please don’t get me wrong. Kacey Jordan is not in any way gross or ugly or reprehensible. As a matter of fact, she’s quite cute in a very tanned (had I mentioned that she’s tan?), bleached, Valley kind of way. She’s got a gorgeous little (very tan) body and quite a set of woodsman bronco-riding skills. But… oh, how to put this in a somewhat positive light? She doesn’t do much aside from riding that cock (very well) and making very small noises in her throat. She has very little in the way of screen presence, and while that works in her scene with Charley Chase where she’s playing the sub, I found myself a little… well, ok, very bored overall.

There’s not a whole lot TO this movie for me to pick on or laude. It’s so standard I can’t even comment on anything in particular. Even a scene-by-scene replay sounds a little dull: first she fucks Derrick Pierce with a cowboy hat on, in one of the least-chemistry-heavy bouts I’ve ever witnessed in a porno. Then she gets dominated by Charley Chase, which is fun because if nothing else, Charley’s got enough personality to make up for the less-than-exciting action. Kacey then does a POV blowjob scene with Evan Stone, and somehow manages to suck not only the dribble from his dick but also the usual entertaining commentary from his onscreen presence. Then it’s on to Marcus London, who takes her on a conference room table in possibly the best scene of the movie — only because Marcus has such a great accent. Last, Kacey and Tommy Gunn go at it in the kitchen, but the only thing I came away from the encounter with was the reinforced idea that it must be difficult for a guy with a dick that size to date outside the porn industry.

All things told, I bear Kacey no ill will, but this movie is effective only as a way for guys who want to get a good look at the same vagina as Charlie Sheen to get a peek. If you can bust a nut to this, your standards are low. In the end, I think it’s safe to say that Kacey’s made a good decision in milking the Charlie Sheen angle in the mainstream media as much as humanly possible. I don’t see a whole lot else working out for her. I’m not saying Kacey’s got no talent: for all I know she might have a wealth of way better material out there waiting for me to find it, but Hollywood Whore! gives no evidence of its existence. I hope to see it one day, Kacey!

—Miss Lagsalot

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