JERSEY WARS, PART 2 — “In the end, the consumer wins.”

Editor’s Note: This is the second in a continuing battle of the Jersey Shore porn parodies. The first can be found here.

We make no secret of the fact that we here at WHACK! absolutely adore the jizz biz’s biggest cumback star, Taryn Thomas, so it hardly bears mentioning that when we heard she would be creating a parody of Jersey Shore in her signature smokin’ style, we got pretty excited. Hah! Who am I kidding, “excited”? We got fuckin’ horny, and we’ve been waiting breathlessly with our hands on our horns for the past several months as the date of Jersey Shore XXX’s release approached. Taryn It Up Entertainment’s infamous hardcore stylings along with Adam & Eve’s industry power? Hell yeah: Jersey Shore XXX, out today, is bound to be a funny and filthy fuckfest of fantastic proportions!

But then… we heard that there was another Jersey Shore parody coming out! Zero Tolerance, together with PopPorn, announced that they would film and release Not Jersey Shores: Jersey Whores! (Their parody of the MTV juggernaut was released last week, and we’ve kindly reviewed it for you, creepy readers, in this week’s Ribald Reviews). The Jersey Wars were on, and they’re still going strong! But what’s a WHACK! artist to do? How were we to know which wickedly WHACK!-worthy piece of stroke cinema will come out on top? Which will be hotter, funnier, more filled with Guidos and fist pumps and pickles and juicy jubblies? Which will be most worthy of your wad—of cash or cum?

Well, dear dick-diddling deadbeats, we don’t want to leave you all alone out there, wondering what to do with your dick, so last week we spoke to Brian Bangs, co-director of Jersey Whores, and this week we’ve been thrilled to get in touch with none other than Jersey Shore XXX creator and performer, Taryn Thomas, to find out what she thinks will shake down in… the Jersey Wars!

Whack! Tell us how you came to the conclusion that a Jersey Shore porn parody was a good project, Jersey Shore XXX.

Taryn Thomas For me, this was a no-brainer. I wanted to make this film from the first commercial I saw on MTV. I had been saying, for a long time, I wanted to do an adult film around the Jersey Shore series. So this was just very natural for me, being Italian and from Jersey.

W! This may be one of the fastest mainstream-to-porn-parody turnarounds ever! Did you decide to go for it fast to beat the competition?

TT We had our production dates set in early December. It was just a matter of casting the right talent for the parts.

W! But in the end, they pretty much caught up. How did you find out that Zero Tolerance was making one, too? What’s been your reaction?

TT We found out because we were alerted to it, as they knew I had one in the works, we just had not put out the press release at the time. I really have no reaction towards the other company. Honestly, good for them. In the end, the consumer wins.

W! It’s interesting that both versions of the parody have gotten a lot of mainstream media attention (as does everything attached to Jersey Shore), but almost no one has picked up on the fact that there are two coming out, a week apart! It seems like all the stories are either about yours exclusively (Jersey Shore XXX), or the Zero Tolerance version, Jersey Whores. Why do you think that is?

TT Honestly, I have no clue why that is.

W! Which version do you think will be hotter? Funnier? Guido-ier?

TT Jersey Shore XXX has the adult industry’s hottest stars that have Italian heritage. I think ours compliments the actual show the best.

W! What part do you play in Jersey Shore XXX?

TT I play Snooki, of course! Her personality is the most like mine.

W! Who else did you work with?

TT In the movie I did 3 scenes. One with Veronica Rayne and Jon Espizedo. One with Jon Espizedo, and one with Angela Aspen.

W! What’s your costume like? Any big hair or extra tanning sessions?

TT I tanned a few times, and spray tanned. When I tan I get dark really quick, so it wasn’t hard for me to darken up. As for the hair, that was all thanks to my amazing makeup and hair artist, Eric Jiminez.

W! Do you think Jersey Shore is a legitimate statement of a certain kind of ethnic culture, or a contrived bunch of behaviors MTV made for the rest of the country to make fun of?

TT Every culture has its own stereotype. The “Guido” stereotype was once looked down upon, but nowadays it is something that really isn’t. I think MTV [may] have gone a little overboard, but not by much. If you know the Jersey Shore, then you will know the Jersey Shore series is almost as real as it gets.

W! Why do you think Jersey Shore was such a cultural phenomenon? Why was yet another ridiculous, over-the-top reality show such a huge hit?

TT It’s such a phenomenon because it’s eight young adults doing what they normally do at the Jersey Shore, almost completely uncensored. It’s great. What we did—we took it to the next level.

W! Do you think the people on the show act like that all the time?

TT Yes, I do. 100%.

W! Do you believe that the term “Guido” is a word for a lifestyle, or is it a derogatory ethnic epithet?

TT Years ago, it was a derogatory term. Certainly, it still is today. But it is more accepted now than it was years ago. It is most definitely a lifestyle, and will continue to be. I am a Guidette and have no shame in saying that.

W! Are you attracted to guidos in real life? Guys with big, gelled hair? Big muscles? Fake tans? Really, they have a lot with your average valley porn star, now that I think about it…

TT Yeah! I think they’re hot! How could I not be attracted to them?

W! Will Jersey Shore XXX have a XXX version of “fist pumping”? I’m not really into fisting, but it kind of seems like it has to happen.

TT I can not comment on that. I don’t want to give away the movie! You will have to watch it and find out.

W! How about pickles? Will there be any lessons on how to eat a pickle, using a cock to demonstrate? How about “smooshing”? “Vibing”?

TT Of course! I love pickles!

W! Did your cast re-enact the Snooki punch that was edited out of the show?

TT Yes we did.

Find out exactly what Taryn is talking about by picking up your copy of Jersey Shore XXX here!

—Once again, interview conducted by our cooze correspondent, Miss Lagsalot.

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