KUNG FU BEAUTY — “A killer kung fu fuck flick worth flicking a wrist to.”

KUNG FU BEAUTY

Vivid Entertainment
Directed by D. Skow
Run Time: 2:07:30

MARTIAL ARTS MASTERS
AJ Bailey, Isis Taylor, Dylan Ryder, Denis Marti, Scott Nails, Billy Glide, Clarke Kent, Bill Bailey, Johnny Sins

Going into this kung fu porno, I had a sneaking suspicion that some egregious crimes against the ancient Chinese martial arts would be committed. I’m no expert in kung fu, and to be honest I probably wouldn’t be able to tell if AJ Bailey were really performing a proper series of kicks or holding her nunchuks the wrong way. Maybe this movie would be chock full of realistic martial arts of a grand variety, but I felt confident enough in my assessment of porn features in general to assume that it wouldn’t be. I mean, I love AJ Bailey, who stars in Kung Fu Beauty. Really, I do. She’s a super intelligent and beautiful and accomplished (no, seriously, she’s got her master’s degree) young woman, but I wasn’t expecting to see any serious black belt action on her part. This is a porno, after all.

So decided to lay aside any expectations of authentic action sequences for Kung Fu Beauty. But I decided I wouldn’t let them off the martial arts movie hook entirely; even if I don’t know much about the martial arts themselves, I do know a good kung fu movie when I see one. Now, I wasn’t expecting The 36th Chamber of Shaolin, but I was willing to forego actual fighting expertise for a good story with hokey dialogue, bad acting, and ridiculous plot twists. This being, after all, a fuck flick, I hoped AJ wouldn’t let me down!

And she didn’t! Holy hell, I don’t think I’ve ever seen more cheesy acting in a kung fu film or a porno! With voiceover narration along the lines of: “Scott had no idea… how many people I’d killed,” and “Now I lived my life on the run, fucking guys I met in dirty hotel bars,” delivered in a perfectly affected porn monotone, AJ packed a corny punch matched only by the one she delivers to the two henchmen who fuck her when she’s tied up, captive in her enemy’s encampment. After they’ve jizzed all over face following a scorching three-way scene, AJ punches them both in the gut, knocking them out, then deadpans, “Sorry guys, I’ve got to go now.” The only thing that could improve the true Chinese cheese here would be badly translated subtitles.

To top off the excellently executed badness of the film, there’s comedy. AJ’s on a mission to kill her old nemesis, from whom she’s been hiding ever since she ratted him and the syndicate out and went into Witness Protection. This nemesis found her and killed her husband, so now she’s on a bloody mission to pay him back! She fucks her sensai to get her nemesis’s address, then sneaks into his compound, fucks the guards, and finally gets her hands… and her throwing stars… on her most dangerous enemy! And that enemy, who’s stalked her across the world for years, who’s killed everyone she loved… His name… is Carl.

If ever there were a name that should never be uttered in a movie that has anything, even peripherally, to do with Asian martial arts… That name is Carl. I giggled every time that ridiculous 1.5-syllable name came tumbling ungracefully out of a performer’s mouth. Of course, Carl does sport a hugely long schlong, with which he penetrates the bejesus out of Isis Taylor, and that’s pretty kung fu. And he does get killed via a throwing star to the mouth. So his badass credentials are extensive. But still. …Carl? Hilarious.

All in all, this is a worthwhile movie. Despite my initial hesitation about the kung fu action, there is hardly any fighting to speak of, so I couldn’t be very indignant. Kung Fu Beauty delivers in the cheesy dialogue department, and, oh yeah, it delivers in the boning area, too. It packs five sex scenes into its mere two-hour duration, which is a lot of kung fu fucking, and they’re all pretty well performed. My favorite, hands down, was the three-way reaming AJ suffers a the hands and hard-ons of Carl’s two goons, but the bad guy’s scene with his girlfriend and the scorching b/g with AJ and her sensai were pretty spectacularly spew-worthy, as well. All around, I’d say this is a killer kung fu fuck flick worth flicking a write to.

Check out the cheese here.

—Miss Lagsalot