LASCIVIOUS LAW ENFORCEMENT – “But…Everyone Else Is Doing It!”

Oh, officers of the law, what kind of slimy behavior won’t you resort to when your pigskin is on the line? We’re not sure if all you randy readers out there heard the story a few weeks back about the porn-viewing police officer, but we here at WHACK! sure did. We never miss out on a chance to make fun of the filthy fuzz. We thought it was funny enough to chuckle about when Juvenile Officer Billy Hurst of the Clinton, Illinois Police department was fired — via a unanimous vote by the Clinton Police and Fire Commission — earlier this year for watching around 27 hours of “hardcore pornography” on his police cruiser’s computer while on duty. But we didn’t think it necessarily warranted his arrest here on our pages. After all, if our job was radar-timing backwoods Midwest hicks all day, we’d probably jerk our gherkins most of the time, too.

It was even funnier when it came to light that the same officer had gotten himself into hot water in 2003 for exposing himself to a bar full of people (no charges were filed, of course, in deference to his loyal service to the department, but we’re assuming his oinking and mud-rolling privileges were revoked for at least a few days). We can only assume he had had a few too many beers — and perhaps a donut circling his dick — when he took out his own Juvenile Officer to report for dirty duty.

But now, to top off a series of ever-more-hilarious events and finally warrant a rap sheet for the po-po in the bad behavior book here at WHACK!. We’ve heard word that former officer Hurst is indeed a pig through and through. Rather than owning up to his perverted patrol habits and taking his dues like a man, he’s taken to rooting through the mud by claiming that “all the other guys were doing it” just like the petulant five-year-old he apparently is. And not just the other officers! Oh, no, Hurst is trying to take the big boys down with him: “Chief Michael Reidy viewed and shared Internet pornography while on duty on his city-owned computer inside of the police department,” he
claimed
in a petition submitted to the circuit court. Applause, all around, ladies and germs. Truly a laudable display of the moral compass of America’s Finest! He submitted the petition, by the way, in hopes of getting the ruling overturned and winning his old job back.

Not that this pathetic, whining attempt at retribution will work, but still; I can’t help but wonder what Hurst thinks would happen if he did get back onto the force. What does he expect, a warm welcome from his brothers in blue? A slap on the back, a noogie, and a friendly, “Hey there buddy, don’t rat us out for our porn habits again and everything will be just fine”?

I doubt it. Even if he hadn’t rooted out his colleagues like a big clump of truffles buried in the mud, he’d still obviously be the creepy guy in the office once he got back into his crusty uniform. The guy nobody really wants to talk to because he kind of smells funny, still lives with his mom, tells bad jokes, and constantly rattles on about weird-ass fetish porn. Probably invents ridiculous stories about sexual exploits that never happened. Whips out his dick in bars. And definitely, definitely, eats all the donuts every morning before his fellow pigs can take a run at them. — Miss Lagsalot

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