LOST AND FOUND — “You won’t turn it off until you’ve gotten one look at Allie Haze’s boobs!”

LOST AND FOUND
New Sensations’ Romance Series

Directed by Eddie Powell

Run Time 115 minutes

STARRING
Allie Haze, Kimberly Kane, Lexi Belle, Zoe Voss, Xander Corvus, Tony de Sergio, Chad Alva

Just in case anyone got confused by the tasteful cover art and only-sexy-through-implication title of this romantic, couples-oriented porno from New Sensations’ Romance line, Lost and Found starts off with a sex scene to remind the viewer that yes, this is a skin flick, and yes, you do still get to see boobs in it. Just maybe not as many boobs as your standard issue all-sex meatfest. This is one of those movies that the porn-curious lady might pick up at the store, or that the hopeful hubby might bring home to the wife in hopes of luring her into slightly more adventurous sexual territory. And, gents, if you’ve got your eye on the prize of getting your lady-friend to engage in some sexy cinema viewing with you, Lost and Found might be the perfect entry point. Why, you ask? Because, though as mentioned above it does start out with a coital coupling, the majority of this movie is dedicated to the development of a budding relationship, the chasing around of one of those little bat-dogs (I think they’re called Boston Terriers) that so many chicks find inexplicably adorable but really look like they got their faces mashed in a jet engine that blew their ears up to bizarre proportions, and the distinct lack of anything resembling hardcore sex. So, if your little lady is of a temperament that’s intimidated by the idea of watching porn with you, Lost and Found should be the perfect gateway drug: she’ll be eased into the tepid waters of couples porndom as gently as the bed on which the movie’s stars have sweet, eye-locking, unsweaty, not-very-exciting sex.

Don’t get me wrong, guys. This actually isn’t a bad movie, unless your version of a bad movie includes more dialogue than deep dirty dugout delving, which, understandably, it might. But don’t fret, there is sex in here, and some of it… Well… Let’s be real. As much as most of us might turn to blue films for balls-to-the-wall insane sexual zaniness, it’s kind of refreshing sometimes to see that porn people are capable of having the less-athletic, more tame sex that you and I are actually capable of having in our real lives. Of course, they do it with better bodies and enormously enlarged genitals, but hey, it’s nice to watch then play the everyman, right? And anyway, sex can be pretty hot when it’s between two people who really seem into each other. It’s just on a different scale of hotness than the one that measures from missionary to double anal; the spectrum we’re dealing with in Lost and Found stretches instead between “both performers look bored as hell” to “wow, they really like each other!” And thankfully, in most of the scenes herein, most of the actors really do seem to like each other. So, while you may not get backbends and upside-down reverse blowbangs here, you will get a level of sincerity and cuteness that, let’s face it, is probably even rarer in mainstream pornos than those aerial 69s you like so much.

And furthermore, as much as the acting might make you yawn or cringe (depending on your level of devotion to the craft, or willingness to actually believe a storyline), the babes in this flick are smokin’ hot. Zoe Voss, for instance, is so damn pretty she could entertain me through just about anything, even a fairly ho-hum one-night-stand scene in which she bangs Xander Caruso very… um… politely. Really, as far as it goes, I appreciate the attention to detail here: excepting the incredibly drunken ones, most one-night-stands are rather polite and pretty to watch. You want to impress your partner, not perform your wildest and most depraved specialty. Save that till the second or third date. And they use a condom, which is a touch of genius. Remember kids, having unprotected sex with someone you just picked up in a bar is a BIG no-no, even in porno!

The story moves on to the next morning, when David (Xander Cruise, who by the way, I think may have some sort of weird voice problem, or just does way more coke than he should) complains to his roommates (Chad Alva and Kimberly Kane) that he can’t seem to nail any woman down for more than a night at a time. Isn’t that cute? He’s a relationship guy! Lo and behold, right after promising to fix him up with a nice girl, Kimberly sees their new neighbor, Jen (Allie Haze, possibly the most wholesome heartthrob to hit the porn biz since… well… ever), outside walking her dog. Within minutes, David and Jen have met and exchanged awkward pleasantries, and if this weren’t a film produced by New Sensations, I’d be putting money down that Ashton Kutcher was around the next corner and Jennifer Aniston was waiting in the wings.

Rom-com or ram-cram, the movie continues to introduce Lexi Belle as Jen’s best friend, who takes Jen out shopping to relieve her post-breakup blues. Aw, isn’t that sweet, she’s single now! She needs a relationship, stat, or she’ll be one of those women. While the two ladies are out retail therapy-ing away the day, Jen’s weird little bug dog, Bosley, wanders over to David’s house and becomes trapped there after a series of silly roommate-scheming events that hardly bear mentioning. What does bear mentioning is that when Jen gets home to a dog-less house, she freaks out and demands help trying to find him from David, and the viewer becomes convinced that the leads will be boning before the screen fades to black again.

But no such luck. Instead, Lexi decides to make Missing Dog posters for Jen and ends up banging her boyfriend, Tony DeSergio, in the process. I can’t say much about this scene; it’s not a standout for either of these seasoned performers. But I will say that, though Lexi Belle is cute as a button as always, her baby talk during sex really freaks me out and always has. She looks and acts way too convincingly like a little girl, and especially when paired with the much-older DeSergio, she makes me cringe. But I’ll give it this: I’m impressed by DeSergio and anyone else who can pull of a condom scene in a porno. Not only do I hear that they’re much harder to film because of lost wood and rubber burn, but they present all sorts of on-camera hurdles that bareback scenes don’t. Dude has to know when he’s coming far enough in advance to plan to get himself into a position that’s amenable to withdrawing in just enough time to whip the condom off in one smooth action before placing a pop shot somewhere ornamental on his costar’s body. After fucking on command for at least half an hour. If that’s not skill, then frankly, I don’t care to know what is. A lot of these maestros still have trouble: plenty of pop shots in condom scenes are heavily edited. But Tony DeSergio really nails it. Hah! Get it? Nails it? Pulls it off, even. HAH!

…aaaanyhoo, the search for the not-really-missing bat-dog continues, David and Jen get closer, yadda yadda yadda…

Kimberly and Chad go at it on the couch, which could be fabulous. I love Kimberly Kane. She’s one of the strongest women in the biz, and I support everything she does, but… Well, it’s a shame this scene is largely in missionary and rather dull as far as they go. I want to support all of Kimberly’s endeavors, but after having just watched a scene from My Own Master, her most recent movie, a few weeks ago… well, let’s just say missionary on the couch can’t quite beat two cocks in the mouth. Ah well, you can’t have it all all the time, Lags.

Of course, in the end, Jen finds out that David’s been holding her dog in his house while helping her look for him, and all their discussion of life dreams and past relationships and other truly trite BS is for naught; she slaps him and storms off, dog in tow. Now I hate to incriminate anyone in the porn business without getting all the facts, but is it really out of the realm of possibility that somebody slipped this dog a Percoset before dragging him in front of the camera? He looks like he’s going to fall asleep in every single shot, and he doesn’t even protest when he’s being tossed around like a sack of weird, bat-like potatoes by the cast. I’m just saying. Maybe somebody should look into this. Either everyone on the set, including the pooch, was getting massively baked before the shoot started, or someone really slipped this dog some muscle relaxers.

Ok, back to the point, which is this: this movie’s been pretty boring. But I think I figured out the silver lining. Or maybe the hook: they get you stay with it till the end because they know you won’t turn off this movie until you’ve gotten one really good damn look at Allie Haze’s boobs. And they don’t give you that long, delicious look until the very end, when Jen forgives David for kidnapping her dog and they get it on! Allie/Jen’s got that absolutely adorable girl-next-door-with-the-heart-of-gold look, and if there’s anyone’s tits in the whole damn world you wish to this day you could go back and ogle that one afternoon when you were out in the yard and it was starting to get dark and she had that wild look in her eye… They’re Allie Haze’s. So you are damn well going to watch this whole damn movie and probably save your load until the moment those boobies appear on the screen. And it’s worth it. Oh yes it is.

—Miss Lagsalot