MODEL BITCHES VOL. 1 — “Evan Seinfeld is a douche.”

MODEL BITCHES VOL. 1

Teravision & Vivid Entertainment Group, w/ Iron Cross Productions

BITCHES AND BROS

Tiffany Tyler, Gisella Ibiza, Eden Adams, Diana Prince, Nika Noir

Unfortunate (for me) Stuntcock: Evan Seinfeld, aka “Spyder Jonez”

Live blogging again, to avoid the obligation to think. This is a RockStarPimp.com outing, and as such, it is heavy with the weight of a certain wannabe rock god: Evan Seinfeld. I can’t stand this slimy, money-grubbing suitcase pimp, and I am going to be awarding points for anything he does that I actually like to give him a fighting chance, but he is starting out with a base level of 0 points just for being who he is. A handicap, if you will.

Ok, starting the movie…

To begin, I’ll give them this: the menu music is pretty good punk rock. Points have been duly given. +3 points

Scene One: Gisella Ibiza

“Evan Seinfeld of Biohazrd AKA Spyder Jonez is…” (Oh I think I know what they’re gonna say! “…a dirty old burned-out douchebag!”) “Rockstarpornstar.com”

(Dammit. Well, whatever. I call ‘em like I see ‘em.).

Oh goddammit he’s going to talk to me. Let me get something straight here—pausing the movie:

I am not always of the opinion that stunt cocks should shut the hell up and just have sex. I try not to be sexist against anyone, and as a woman who likes to try to respect men, I am sometimes interested in what the woodsman is trying to say. However, all this interest is null when “Spyder Jonez” gets his tattooed neck stuck into something. The man is too unattractive, too old, too heavily tattooed (there’s cool ink and then there’s just ugly, and well, Spydie ain’t got cool ink), too in love with himself and his aspirations to be a rock god, and too just plain gross to be pictured naked anywhere, let alone in my work assignments. He offends my sense of decency (which, yes, despite my choice of writing careers is still dragging its ass along this degraded path to hell). Evan Seinfeld is foul. He’s a washed-up porn/almost rock-star who somehow convinced somebody in porn (*cough cough Tera Patrick cough*) that he was cool enough to get involved with the skin biz, and now that he’s fucked that one good relationship up he’s pulling a Big Bad Wolf on Lupe Fuentes’s Little Red Riding Hood, except at the end of this one he steals Little Reds’ skin and parades around in it… or something equally fucked up. You know what I mean. And now he’s making his own movies, with a red leather casting couch and industrial settings because he’s badass like that? Uck. Look, I just I don’t like the guy and I want him to shut up; if I have to watch him stick his stinky shlong into somebody, he’d better at least give me some space to try to ignore him, keep his mouth shut, and make this good. -5 just for being a douche.

…proceeding…

In comes Gisella, who seems very self-posessed and poised and is sexy as hell. She introduces herself—this is her first scene ever. And it’s with Spydie. Poor thing. She seems very innocent and blah blah blah and he warns her about never being able to go back after porn. And asks her about her breakup. What is this, Doctor Seinfeld, therapist to the stars? -1 point for narcissism.

Hm… so they go into a tease with her in soft focus playing with herself and play poppy punk music over it. I… I dunno, I mean I like punk music so that’s ok. But the punk singing, particularly, seems kind of wrong overtop of it… well…

Oh thank god, they cut from that. My existential notions of punk music were getting really… Oh goddammit it’s Spydie. He ruins everything. Now she’s blowing him. He slowly gets rougher with the blowjob; I’m kind of thinking she’s not used to deep throating. Ewww, dude, don’t kiss her!

Aww, pile driver, really? It’s her first scene man, have mercy! -1 more point for my general dissatisfaction with this scene.

That puts the score at -4.

Nice cumshot… with more punk music. I wonder if they actually played that in the studio during filming. That’d have been hilarious. Silence except for the sound of frantic fucking, then just as the moneys hot approaches… BLAM! Guitars and screaming! You could probably cause some serious cardiac arrest with that. Heh, that made me laugh. Ok, +1.

Anyway, moving on, a few poses of him with his dick on different parts of her pretty young face. I tell what she’s thinking: “Goddammit, this is exactly what I was hoping wouldn’t happen for my first porn scene ever. Ahhh, well. There goes that.” And the word “SOILED” comes up over a slow-mo of her getting facialized. Yawwwwn. Evan Seinfeld, you are not impressing me. Revoking that last point. Back to -4.

Scene Two: Nika Noir

It’s Nika Noir! “It’s like a date,” Evan says. Romance in porn valley.

She’s Ukrainian. Oh, sexy accent, hello! She’s an exchange student! Yes! …She might have collagen in her lips.

Holy Christ, Evan, what the fuck are you doing? The sound levels are horrendous in this movie! When they’re talking, I have to have it up to 11, but when the music comes on I’ve gotta turn it down cause it’s so loud I could blow my eardrums out. WTF is your problem, man, did you not have one person watch this from beginning to end before you packaged it?

Retard. -2 more points. You’re at -6.

Anyway. Wow she does a really nice tease, which might explain why it’s ten minutes long. Aaaaack she’s got long green acrylic nails and she’s sticking them inside herself!

Ok. Ok. We are pausing the movie again. Goddammit. I hate that. Has any male director ever had this pertinent and important thought go through his head: “If I were a woman and my genitals were small and pink and lubricated and inside of me, would I want someone sticking a sharp-ass green fingernail in it? Does that sound like fun?” I don’t think this has ever once happened, because I have seen this acrylic nail in the vagina trick one too many times and it pisses me off: This would be equivalent to a woman giving you a hand job with her fingernails outstretched, or sticking a pin down your throat. It does not look sexy and it damn well does not feel sexy for that woman! It makes me angry—like, lady, why would you do that? Who told you that would get people going ? Why didn’t you tell that person to fuck off? It makes me want to cry just thinking about it—the pain! Argh!

God. -10 points. Dig yourself out that hole, Seinfeld.

Anyway. I was enjoying that for a while. Now I’m not so… wait, she just made herself squirt! Ok now I’m interested.

There’s Seinfeld again. I just cannot get into him. Oh well, ok, BJ is pretty standard but wow, she really is good at deep throating, just like she said.

My mind is drifting and you know what really pisses me off about “Spyder Jones”? The whole thing about being a stunt cock is that you’re supposed to stay fairly nondescript from the waist down, especially in movies like this one, where obviously the woman is the object of desire—fingernails!—and therefore developed by men and for men to watch. The point in these movies is that you’re supposed to be able to pretend that the lower body pumping into that girl is yours. But you can’t imagine that with Spydie over here because the tattoos are so thick, distinctive, and oppressive. They’re everywhere, and because of them you know damn well that you are not the one pumping into her. It’s goddamn Evan Seinfeld instead. I hate that guy.

Well, anyway, she’s having a great time and making all kinds of screechy noises and coming a lot. I think he wants her to squirt but he’s pushing her down so she can’t play with her clit. Dammit Seinfeld, it’s way harder for a woman to squirt if she’s just getting pounded. They need clit jiggling! You asshole, you should know that! We know you’re all just showboating now. -1. You’re at -17, fucko. You better pull something out of the old stinker.

She finally manages to squirt and he lets her suck his dick for a while as a reward. He’s such a dirtbag.

On to more punk music, a few slow-mo sots and dick-on-the-face shots. This is his thing. This guy is so narcissistic that his schtick is taking his quickly waning erection and playing with it on girls’ faces. Uck.

Scene Three: Tiffany Tyler

He’s talking at me again! Fast forward!

It’s Tiffany Tyler, and they’re talking, so I have to turn it back up to eleven. She’s a pre-law dropout. Very girl-next door personality but seriously vampy style. He’s giving her career advice. WTF, Seinfeld, you shouldn’t be Godfathering anybody in porn—you got it handed to you and you know nothing about it!

Woah, woah, wait, rewind! She just did a shout-out to her dad: “Hey Dad, you don’t wanna watch this! Trust me. Go somewhere else.” Baaaaaaaaahahahahahahahahaa, that’s fabulous. Ok, Spydie, well played… Well played… +10. I’m impressed. You’re only at -7 now.

Oh! And a PSA. No, I shit you not, she just did a PSA for porn: “Hey I’m Tiffany Tyler, and girls, if you want to be your own boss, make great money, and have fun doing it, you should get into porn. It’s probably the most empowering thing you can do because you get to decide when you wanna work, for how much, and who you work with. On top of all that, you have the opportunity to own your own business and create residual incomes, and you’re ahead of the investment curve by making the type of money your parents probably won’t make till their forties, in your twenties. So if you want more information, contact Teravision.”

…Well. I’ll be damned. Ok, Evan Seinfeld, you have entertained me after all. That was quality entertainment, right there. +30 points. You are in the positive points, my friend: 23.

Into the tease. She’s got a really adorable little pussy, perfectly pink inside and puffy and cute. She goes to town on his tadger. Pretty standard. Into reverse cowgirl. Yick. Another problem with this position is the inevitable appearance of ball sag. So unattractive.

But, real quick: there has been a speck of something on the lens of the camera this whole time. Really, people? Really?

Scene Four: Eden Adams

Ok, Seinfeld, you may have done a pro-porn PSA, but you still say “Smokin’ hot” way too much. Spyder Jonez, what a stupid name. And what’s the point of having a porn name if you always introduce yourself as Evan Seinfeld first? -2. Just cause. You’re at 21.

Eden Adams. She used to be a meth head. Jesus. She got sent away to Florida for “lockdown rehab” for two years but she’s off drugs and living the more healthy lifestyle of a porn star. Darling, you could’ve taken the clean route and fucked Ron Jeremy, for god’s sake. Evan is filthy.

“Uiltimately I think that people are scared of porn because they’re not confident. I think that they think their body is something to be hidden when it’s really not if you’re confident about yourself and the way you look. If you’re on the right path I think that people wouldn’t be so, ‘porn’s bad.’ …It’s really just the kind of person you are. I think the people that don’t accept it are really just not accepting themselves.” Hm. Well. I mean that’s not going to getting anyone through a master’s thesis, but ok, + 5 for letting the girl speak.

And into the best music/dance/mashup tease thus far. I’m… dammit, I’m kind of actually enjoying this movie, Seinfeld. I dunno, though, man, you still did that damn acrylic nail thing way back… I’m still not cool with that. But she’s wearing some searing hot heels and… Gah, I’m so conflicted, you guys!

Ah, hah! Points revoked! At least, like, ten gold stars are being taken off your movie, Spydie Jonez, you sonofabitch! You guys, he is wearing sunglasses while getting a blowjob. Indoors. I call douchebaggery on your ass—referee, please remove him from this sex scene!

…Ref?

Dammit, I need to get on a porn set so I can call these shots. This kind of ridiculous—ah, no! Jonez, why are you sabotaging yourself? He’s fucking her now with the sunglasses still on! …AND that speck is still on the screen! You are halfway back through your PSA points now, dude, you better watch your ass. -15 points! You’re back down to 11!

Her bunghole is a little gaping even when nothing’s in it. I think we may get a bit of anal here soon, peeps. Ah, no, he jizzed too soon! (BTW, does anyone else hate how Microsoft Word always turns “jizz” into “jazz” automatically with the spell checker? …No? I guess I’m the only one typing the word “jizz” into it on a regular basis, huh? …Wow. Moving on!)

Scene Five: Diana Prince

Ok. Guys. I just have lost interest in this movie. There’s a new girl on the screen now, Diana Prince. She’s “very much in the swinger world” and she does gangbangs and double penetration sin her personal life. Well. She’s in the right business! He’s trying to get her to do double vaginal penetration… meh… -2 for trying to make her do doubles she doesn’t want to do. 9 points, bub.

Soft focus tease with punk music again. Wow she does have a lovely, long, willowy body. BJ ensues. Yadda yadda. Getting bored again. Oh, wait, dammit, he’s wearing his sneakers! He’s… he’s wearing sneakers while… Dude, the sunglasses I could maybe deal with, cause maybe you were high and your eyes were all bleary, but you actually have to take the rest of the outfit off and then put the sneakers back on to do this. And that’s just… That’s silly.

Points are flying out of the window here. I think we’re back in the negatives point numbers. Yeah, we are. Fuck you, I’m the judge here! -10, which puts you at -1.

Awww, he came on her eyes. Both of them, on purpose. Dude, not cool! Foul! You are being docked two more points for foul play! You stand at -3.

And… we’re through.

Conclusion:

Evan Seinfeld is a douche. Which was my original hypothesis. Should’ve just had a beer and read the dictionary instead of watching this shit. —Miss Lagsalot

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