SEX AND THE CITY: THE ORIGINAL XXX PARODY
New Sensations
DIRECTED BY Lee Roy Myers
RUN TIME 134 minutes
VAPID MANHATTANITES Brittany Andrews, Zoe Voss, Coco Velvett, Kayla Paige, Bobbi Starr, Danny Mountain, Tommy Pistol, Evan Stone, Ralph Long
I knew I had to review this as soon as it arrived in the mail from New Sensations. You may think you know why, and I’ll admit I was a huge fan of Sex and the City in college — so much so that I actually sat through the first full-length movie. But I didn’t want to review it just because the HBO show taught me something about being an empowered, shallow, somewhat racist, and slutty New Yorker. No, it was because I knew that there was no way this movie would not have a four-way lesbian orgy. And there’s nothing I like more than a four-way lesbian orgy. Except, of course, a five-way lesbian orgy.
Of course I was curious to see Brittany Andrews’ cumback role, and I’m sure the fashion was nice and all, but frankly, being a porn writer with a thing for muff diving doesn’t really put me at the forefront of high fashion lust, and Brittany Andrews has, despite her success, always been a little “meh” to me. But Bobbi Starr, Kayla Page, and Zoe Voss all fucking Brittany Andrews? Aw, hell yeah. But anyway, I was right about the four-way. So, so right. There was also a threeway, a cat fight, anal, and a whole lot more.
The movie starts out by calling Anne Rice and Jennifer Love Hewitt great writers, and proceeds to show exactly how much LA had to do with the filming of a supposedly New York-centric film. Thankfully, the sets are limited entirely to sets mimicking the real SatC ladies’ apartments (and quite well at that), so I didn’t have to get too giggly about what exactly Lee Roy Myers thinks the interior of an NYC pizza shop looks like.
Mr. Big is played, unsurprisingly and adeptly, by Evan Stone, with a bit of eyebrow pencil and a whole lot of aplomb — and aptly named, too. It’s actually kind of upsetting how much Kayla Paige looks like SJP (that’s Sarah Jessica Parker to you non-geeks) when she’s getting her pussy eaten, and it makes me think back to all the sex scenes the real Sex and the City never showed of her. All the other stars bared their breasts or at least their butts to the camera and did the obligatory sex scene once or twice during the show’s run, but never SJP. She was just too good for that. Which makes watching her, in the form of Kayla Paige, get railed by Mr. Big’s eponymous monster cock while his floppy balls smack against her ass that much more satisfying. It also makes me wonder about the state of Chris Noth’s dangly bits. Are they as dangly? As “Big”?
The scene between Harry and Charlotte was surprisingly hairy. And yes, I mean bush hair. Which one would never expect Charlotte to have, but then again, one wouldn’t really expect her to love anal so much, either, so what do I know? And one would certainly never expect the deliciously dirty Bobbi Starr to look so much like Charlotte, especially when being reamed up the poop chute, but damned if she didn’t! Ralph Long doesn’t look too much like Harry, but they’ve got him in the right pajamas for the part, so I can make it work in my head. And frankly, Ralph Long may not be the most attractive man in the porn biz, but he’s got a hell of a jump on Evan Handler.
Next up on the randy roster, Zoe Voss as Miranda and Tommy Pistol as Steve finally decide to make Miranda’s dream of being part of a three-way come true. And, ironically enough given our Libel/Counter-libel this week, they go on Craigslist to find a third party. Coco Velvett shows up to fuck Miranda and Steve, which would be fabulous because she’s about as hot as they cum, except she’s got a Staten Island, Fran Drescher voice! Not so hot, and she manages to keep the nasal moaning up the whole way through the long and very hot scene in which I discovered that, appropriately enough, big band music DOES go really well with a threesome, and Steve has way more tats than I ever expected.
Meanwhile, Samantha (the legendary Brittany Andrews in her first cumback role, and her first-ever on-screen anal) catches Smith cheating and gets into a cat fight with the other woman. Which is hot, but sadly short lived. She kicks out the philanderers after breaking Smith’s nose, and calls in a random guy (Danny Mountain) from the hallway to fuck her in every hole. Except for the fact that this is all happening on a futon I recognize from my last trip to Ikea, this is a hot scene. Brittany Andrews’s body was worth the wait for her cumback, and she really is a knockout performer, whose tits are so large I was genuinely afraid she’d knock out her costar with them while riding his cock.
And then of course comes the four-way girl orgy, which I’d been looking forward to all along and fast-forwarding through the talking parts to get to. It’s worth it. Of course Samantha’s sporting the strap-on, which comes as no surprise, but watching Charlotte eat out Carrie? New and different. Watching them switch up combos with the double-ended dildo? Fascinating and totally fap-worthy, too.
All things told, this was a pretty fun movie to watch for the SatC fan in me, but I have to admit that the sex in this movie was mondo-female friendly, which is to say, kind of boring. It saddens me that movies made with a female audience in mind tend to be less than hot to watch—Carrie should be dripping wet for Mr. Big, not just moaning and humping along. But mainstream directors still have it in their heads that women don’t like things too be too hardcore or explicit, and we end up with a lot of less-than-lusty scenes in female-oriented features and parodies. It’s not all bad — I mean, it’d be pretty difficult to make a lesbian orgy not fun to watch — but it could be better, and I’m pretty sure the, um, worldliness of the characters we’re dealing with would imply wild, messy, horny sex. New York is famous for being dirty and debaucherous, so why not the sex, too?
—Miss Lagsalot