I have sadly neglected my blogging duties this month, as my first Kickstarter in nearly a year looms, and prep work has been a bear! But I could not, just could not, pass up this opportunity to share with you, dear readers, the most darkly hilarious thing to cross my path in quite some time. Behold! The billionaire space race secks toys!
I never thought I’d write this, but…god bless late-stage capitalism.
Is it an abomination that billionaires are currently taking turns blasting into space in phallic rocket ships while the rest of us choke on wildfire smoke and bail out the floods plaguing Planet Earth while the ice caps melt and human rights abuses go unchecked and the COVID-19 pandemic ravages the developing world? Yep. But is it hilarious that the world can collectively mock the phallic shapes of those rocket ships on social media? Also yes. And now that adult entertainment tricksters CamSoda are racing to launch a line of rocket-shaped dildos named after the billionaires’ private rocket ships, does this particularly bizarre moment in human history feel complete? Again, yes.
You read that right. In a move that nobody saw coming but everybody can chuckle over, CamSoda has announced the launch of its Billionaire Flesh Rocket Series of dildos, inspired by billionaires Richard Branson, Jeff Bezos and Elon Musk’s respective entries into the most absurdly public dick-measuring contest of all time.
The Billionaire Flesh Rocket Series
The three dildos in the line are named comically after the ships that inspired them: The Blue Orgasm, a relatively anatomically correct blue dildo with prominent balls, plays on Bezos’s particularly dick-like Blue Origin rocket. Meanwhile, the Space Sex is a smooth black rocket-shaped sex toy that mocks Elon Musk’s SpaceX—The Washingtonian said that the Space Sex “looks like one of those plastic torpedos you shoot underwater at the pool,” and they’re not wrong. Bringing up the rear (pun very much intended) is Galacdick, a complicated silver affair with uncomfortable-looking wings that jabs at Branson’s Virgin Galactic VSS Unity. The A.V. Club wrote that the Galacdick “resembles a haunted, eyeless dolphin,” and now I can’t get that image out of my head, so I’m sharing it with you, dear reader. You’re welcome.
“Right now, billionaires are getting off by going to space in their rockets,” CamSoda’s VP Daryn Parker crowed in a press release. “With our line of Billionaire Flesh Rockets, people who can’t afford a ticket aboard the VSS Unity, Blue Origin or Elon’s SpaceX rocket can get off in a different way and penetrate the o-zone.”
Cue sardonic eye roll. And also a chuckle.
Parker continued: “Go boldly into where no one’s gone before, explore Uranus and maybe even have a close encounter of the pantless kind. Screw being pluton-ic! Grab your Billionaire Flesh Rocket today.”
Get Your Giggles In Where You Can
Look, the Billionaire Flesh Rocket Series is a blatant, silly, and likely fictional PR stunt. All of the toys in question were clearly designed well before they were retconned into implements of billionaire mockery. Hell, they’re not even available yet! CamSoda claims to be putting them into production posthaste, but the toys themselves won’t be out for an undisclosed amount of time—if ever
But, hey. A third of the US is on fire, another third underwater, and the bit in between just waiting for the Delta Variant to roll through. Right now, we’ve got to get our giggles from somewhere. And if a bunch of bloated capitalists launching themselves into the void of space doesn’t make us break down and cry, we might as well get a good guffaw out of the spectacle…or maybe an orgasm or two.
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