THE SPINGASM — “Lagsalot’s New Best Friend.”

At the Adult Entertainment Expo in Las Vegas in January, I was hornily perusing the booths full of perverted products for men and women, imagining using them all. I was, after all, put up in a hotel room at the Flamingo with three other WHACK! staphers, so I wasn’t exactly able to rub one—or a few—out at night like I usually do. It was the third and last day I’d be at the convention, and being surrounded by some of the hottest women on the planet, sexy pictures, hardcore videos playing everywhere, and a retinue of sex toys that would blow the mind of even the most dedicated diddler, I was getting pretty damn randy. As I looked over the wank wares of dozens of sex toy companies, I could imagine most of them going to town on my muff. But then I came to the Spingasm booth and stopped. I scratched my head. This was far and away the weirdest-looking device I’d seen on display, and even with my vast and very perverse imagination, I couldn’t picture what it was supposed to do.

I mean, the one part looked kind of like a balled-up fist with clit-shaped protrusions around the outside. I’d heard of fisting, but this wasn’t designed to go in. What the hell? I looked at the guy behind the table skeptically. He explained to me that the Spingasm was an entirely new concept in sex toys. It doesn’t vibrate, and it doesn’t even have to penetrate, unless you get that attachment. It can be used by a man or a woman, depending on the attachment, and, he said very seriously, “it has enormous orgasmic potential.” That was all I needed to hear. I loaded a bag full of attachments, chargers, literature, and what-not, and was about to go on my way.

“Wait,” said Scott, the Spingasm developer. “You should know that there’s kind of a learning curve with it. There’s lots of buttons to get familiar with and it’s very different from your usual toys. I’d say try it at least three times before you review it.”

Three times? So… He was marketing a device that he thought people would have trouble using, and the price tag was pretty hefty. I was confused. This didn’t seem like a good business model. He saw the look on my face and said, “Look, I was skeptical about it, too. But then I saw the kind of orgasms my wife was having with this thing, and I said to myself, ‘I want her to look like that more often.’ Trust me, it’s worth the three tries.”

I shrugged. Enormous orgasmic potential sounded pretty damn good.

So I took the Spingasm home, with two knuckle-like pink attachments, a large dildo attachment, and a Fleshlight attachment for the boyfriend.

Dear deadbeats, let me tell you: that guy was right about the learning curve. The first time I tried to use the Spingasm, I got pretty turned on by it, but mostly I got confused. The handle of the device is as large as a Hitachi Magic Wand’s (an old standby in the sex toy stable), but because the knuckle attachments I was using—actually, they’re called Tireless Tongues—seemed to do the most for me when I used them on their sides, I had to hold the thing at a really odd angle that made my clicking around looking for internet porn to keep my hard-on raging quite difficult. The buttons were many, and with my brain fuzzy with sexual excitement it was kind of hard to remember which one did what—one made the whole thing spin one direction, another reversed the direction of the spin, one made it spin faster and one slower, and another did… something else? And it was really loud. The Spingasm is in no way a “discreet” diddling device—you could not get away with using this, say, in a hotel room on a business trip with your editor sleeping in the next bed over. Dammit.

But, after maybe fifteen minutes of awkward fumbling, I found a speed and rhythm that really felt great. I kept at it for a while, and I’ll definitely admit that I got close to blowing my metaphorical load, but in the end the thing was just too unwieldy and I finished myself off with my trusty ten fingers.

After a week or so I decided to give the Spingasm another shot at my naughty bits. This time I came to the table, or should I say the couch, with more knowledge about how the thing operated, and let me tell you once again, ladies and losers: that guy was right about the learning curve. I tried a few different attachments this time and really got into a groove.

And you remember that thing about enormous orgasmic potential? Yeah, he was right about that, too. I decided to let the Spingasm see me through to the end this time, without getting the hands involved, and it was the right fucking decision. Ladies, be prepared to find yourself coming to, out of a comatose, post-orgasm state ten minutes later to find the Spingasm flung aside on the bed, still spinning, your legs spread at a ridiculous angle where they fell after flailing around, and your entire lower half still tingling with pleasure. It’s that good.

Needless to say, I fully endorse the Spingasm, even with its price tag and learning curve. It’s an entirely different experience than you’ve ever had with a sex toy before, and it will give you entirely different results—mindblowingly awesome results.

Check out The Spingasm’s website to purchase one, learn more, or watch some fucking hot videos of chicks using them on each other and themselves.

—Miss Lagsalot

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