WHACK! MAGAZINE SHOULD NEVER HAVE LASTED A YEAR — “Let us rise up in revolt against these ruinous raunchateers!”

WHACK! Magazine is a filthy, farcically underfunded, badly promoted and even more badly formatted jizz rag not worth its reputation as a “publication”! As an upstanding American citizen with one hand on his wallet and the other on his dick (only after hours and in private, of course, with the wife and children soundly sleeping), I am outraged that WHACK! has survived the slings and arrows of the World Wide Web’s cutthroat pace for an entire year without falling prey to its own perversion and collapsing on its cum-stained couch! The writers and editors of this sorry excuse for an adult industry magazine should be dragged from the gutters they infest and out into the streets, where they should be publicly denounced for their heinous crimes against us horn dogs, shamed for their unceasing devotion to dogging those responsible for the degradation of the English language, and unceremoniously executed for their libelous and lewd writing style!

The fact that nobody has seen fit to call these scumbags out for the cooze-crazed criminals they are, much less shut down their shoddy excuse for an online “magazine” on moral grounds is appalling to those of us with a code of ethics, or any basic grounding in human decency. Freedom of the press should apply only to publications which contribute something of real value to our society — not this smutty, sex-crazed, despicable dregs of the gutters of the porn world!

We all agree that photographs of porn starlets’ faces covered in jizz, tongues drooling on dicks, and orifices gaping wide open should be reserved only for the decent citizens of this world to jerk off to late at night, with our doors locked, lights out, and blinds drawn! Not displayed for the world to see, along with the spelling and grammar errors of these defenseless creatures! The inner workings of the porn industry should be kept hush-hush, a secret for us vanilla individuals to wonder over and possibly stroke ourselves to as we imagine how jobs are doled out to curvy young women — they shouldn’t be discussed in detail by “jizz journalists” for all the world to see and thereby lose its hard-on! Porn stars and directors should never be interviewed about anything more than their sexual prowess and proclivities — why treat these magical, mystical creatures of carnality as regular human beings with brains in their heads? They’ve been put here by our creator only for our balls to be drained by! And, sweet lord, the expose piece about how porn addiction rehab programs are designed by soulless Christian propagandists with their eyes on the wallets, and not the souls, of poor, easily-swayed perverts of the world? Despicable! Christians and capitalists alike should be able to profit on those sick sons of bitches who can’t keep it in their pants long enough to sign on to YouPorn at night! And the YouTopia segment! Don’t even get me started! Discussing in detail the best and worst offerings of the free and pirated materials on tube sites, as if they were no more than a service to be used by the masses! Absolutely degrading—free porn sites are gifts brought to our dark, decrepit dungeons late at night by the fairies of frigging! How dare WHACK! expose their secrets? And why, why on earth, should a sweet, young, beautiful writer with (we can only imagine) bountiful breasts be forced to share her sexual experiences with the world, if she’s not going to film them for our enjoyment?

The pack of misguided perverts running WHACK! Magazine must be stopped, gentle junk-jerkers, make no bones about it! If their brand of off-color humor and wanton destruction of the time-honored, shameful traditions of jerking off without thinking twice about the people who produce our porn is not stopped, our wanking way of life may be ruined! Our wives may wise up to our late-night basement boner-bangings! Our office water-cooler talk may be clouded with talk of “cooze news”! Our bumpers may be besmirched by (sic!) stickers, and our lascivious private lives may be laid bare for all the world to see!

I say let us rise up in revolt against these ruinous raunchateers! Grab your pitchforks, grab your torches, and quick, come up with an angry-mob-marching-against-the-misunderstood-but-harmless-enemy song! Let’s get ‘em, boys!

—Some Jerkoff