THE EVOLVED “SPICE” — “Oh, Spice, let’s be short and sweet together, forever.”

The “Spice” Double-Motor Massager from Evolved Novelties’ “Short & Sweet” Series

I came home from a week on vacation to find a huge box waiting for me. I felt my heart beating faster as I opened it, but nothing could have prepared me for the smorgasbord of sex toys and smut that lay within! Evolved Novelties, my new best friends in the whole wide world, sent me a huge variety of toys to review, as well as an offering of dirty movies to keep my metaphorical hard-on while I used them. I could feel myself swelling just thinking about it!

But which one to review first? It was like a nymphomaniac’s fondest dream and worst nightmare wrapped into one: so much sex to have with myself, so little time! I finally settled on the “Spice,” in purple. This rabbit-style, double-motor “massager” is part of the “Short & Sweet” series from Evolved, meaning that its penetrative (read: dildo) part is only about 3 ½ inches long, with one bullet vibrator buried inside its tip at exactly the right place to hit the internal sweet spot without poking me in the stomach. I’m not much of a size queen, and since I had such a variety of vibrators to choose from, I figured I might as well start small and work my way up. And anyway, it came in this adorable little lunch-box style metal case! So fuckin’ cute! Like the runt kitten in the litter, it begged me to love it.

So the Spice and I snuggled up, along with one of the all-girl DVDs that came in the package. After all, what could be more girl-friendly than me, all alone in my bachelorette pad with my purple vibrator, some red wine (a very nice, dry Cabernet from Spain—I go all out when I’m in girlie mode), and a lesbian porno flick? It was possibly my finest womanly night in ever.

The Spice whirred to life after I’d washed it and inserted two AAA batteries (not included). I familiarized myself with the three vibrational settings, operated easily by a push button on the bottom of the device, and set to work on my womanly parts. I was pleased to find that the Spice’s small size made it feel discreet, tasteful, even classy on my naughty bits. It didn’t make much noise—except in certain positions when the clitoral attachment was left to hang and vibrate without touching any skin. It kind of shook around and made a weird sound, begging me to use it properly…

Truth be told, dear dirty readers, I’ve never used a rabbit-style vibrator before. I’ve always been a traditionalist with my toys. I figured a straight-up vibrator can get me off from inside or outside, and my hand can do the rest, so who needs an expensive toy with all the bells and whistles? I can ring my own bell or blow my own whistle! No need to get all technologically advanced with my twat! I’ve also heard horror stories of women who developed calluses on their clits, or who got so addicted to their rabbits that they never left the apartment (Sex and the City? Ever heard of it?). I didn’t want to turn into those ladies, with over-loved private parts and numerous feline companions!

So, the Spice and I, though destined to fall in love, were a bit wary of each other at first. I was enjoying the vibrations, but I was afraid to use both of the motors on their respective parts of my anatomy. I didn’t want to go into overkill! But it kept making that weird “please put the clit attachment on a clit, you silly girl” noise, and I kept getting annoyed, so… I carefully slid into an appropriate position, and let both motors find the sweet spots for which they had been engineered.

The lusty ladies touching each other’s boobies on my television screen (so it only took me five minutes of the movie to get to this point, so what?) became mere background noise as I left regular human consciousness behind and dove into a sea of pleasure. The Spice may be short, but it is sweet, and it knows what it’s doing. I’ve always had problems in the past with “G-spot stimulating” toys because my G-spot seems not to be where the toy manufacturers expect it to be. They all think I’m a giant Amazon warrior-ess whose parts are widely spaced. But on my teeny tiny frame, things are in fact very close together, and it can be difficult to get myself into a position where the “stimulators” get anywhere near my G-spot.

The short and sweet Spice, however, seemed to know I’m petite. It knew where to touch me, and since it knew I’d never done this before, it was content to stay on the lowest vibrational setting for a few minutes while I adjusted to the feeling of being pleasured from within and without. It knew just what I was thinking, which was very little aside from, “Oh god, oh god, oh god, ohgoddddohgodohgodohgodohogodohGOD!!!” And together, my sweet new romantic partner Spice and I whirred upwards through the levels till we were there at the brink at level three, and then, well, we were over the edge. Five minutes or so later I came to, glasses askance and legs askew, with my Spice purring beside me, obviously as satisfied as I was. Oh, Spice, let’s be short and sweet together, forever.

Get info on the Spice here, or just take my word for it and buy one.

—Miss Lagsalot

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