You may all be wondering why it’s taken so long for us to do a little info-laden writeup on the Exxxotica Expo in New Jersey this past weekend. Well, my lovelies, the answer is that we’ve been hungover ever since, and our eyes were so dazzled by the 140+ adult stars we hob-nobbed with at this East Coast masturbation mecca that we can just now face the prospect of telling you all about it!

Hopefully you were able to follow our live tweets from the convention: WHACK!‘s Twitter page was updated constantly with pictures and info, as was Miss Lagsalot’s, and if you didn’t check out our oh-so-clever UStream vids, you should totally go do that now. There are pictures on our Facebook, as well, but my darling diddlers, if you want a real taste of the insane sexitude of Exxxotica, if you want a lip-smacking serving of the sex industry’s biggest stars, stay tuned to WHACK! for the next few weeks. We’ve got literally hours of raw footage we’re now sifting through: interviews with the industry’s hottest honeys and horndogs, fappable film stock of the hugest pornstar honkers you can imagine, and of course, all done with the rather ridiculous WHACK! flair for the absurd!

In the meantime, though, let’s tell you all a bit about the expo, shall we? Only in its third year of existence, the Exxxotica Expo in Edison, NJ, is already smashing industry records. This year there were almost 150 stars of the blue screen in attendance, signing autographs, posing for photos, and talking with little old us. There were so many beautiful people there we hardly knew where to start! Hell, how can one decide between the likes of Andy San Dimas, Jenna Presley, Teagan Presley (do you think they’re related?), Isis Taylor, Nyomi Banxxx, Nick Manning, Jenna Haze,  Joanna Angel, Kagney Linn Karter, Julia Ann, Brittany Andrews, Mr. Marcus, Francesca Le, Gina Lynn, Trina Michaels, Sean Michaels (hmmmm, do you think they’re related?)… The list goes on and on. Luckily, we were able to grab a few of them for a few minutes and film the insanity, but we promise exxxclusive interviews with others in the coming months!

The huge Exxxotica floor was packed with exhibitors and hawkers of everything from leather wear to lube to The Triple-X Church pamphlets, and the crowded aisles were just as packed with well over 20,000 attendees! That’s right, 20-fuckin-thousand. For the town of Edison, NJ, that’s like the last time Bon Jovi came through, except with less leopard print… Well, ok, MORE leopard print. Of course, the attendance numbers were surely bolstered by a brand-new and very cool Ladies-Free-Friday policy. Our very own Lolly Gagger, unable to get a press pass at the last minute, attended on Friday on the merits of her big, beautiful… um… eyes alone! And, lucky for a bisexual bimbo like myself, there were tons of other female fans in attendance due to the free admission: usually these events are sausage-fests of German Dudewürst festivals (oh, come on, you know they have them over there… freaks, all of them!). It’s always reassuring for randy old raunch-drenched me to see other chicks who love smut and worship sex workers as much as I do, and as it turns out, there are THOUSANDS of them out there, lurking and touching themselves in the woods and suburban cul-de-sacs of New Jersey. Who knew?

And it wasn’t just stars and their drooling fans there, either: WHACK! was only one (but obviously the fuckin’ COOLEST) of over 300 media presences at the event. We saw cameras and crews for everything from a local radio station to RedTube. Dude, who even knew RedTube HAD a media presence? Fuckin’ weird. But good to see them out about, nonetheless.

Alas, our lovely SpokeStar Lexi Love wasn’t able to attend the convention with us, but as UStream will tell you, we spent some time handing out hand-picked DVDs and cards she wanted her fans to have, even though she was busy on the West Coast! What a sweetheart, huh?

Meanwhile, the stage shows, seminars, and live entertainment at the convention were spectacular: Miss Lagsalot attended a few seminars by Sean Michaels (with Nina Hartley in attendance; they discussed the importance of making love on camera versus mechanical pounding, and I have to agree) and Lux Alptraum of Fleshbot (with panelists Stoya, Justine Joli, and Bella Vendetta) gave a sexy talk on girls fucking girls. One of my favorite topics, of course, so I attended, and left with my panties wetter than when I’d gone in.

Of course, the real reason to go to one of these conventions is always the after-parties, and WHACK! made an appearance at Friday night’s convention-sponsored soiree, hosted by Teagan Presley and Lisa Ann. While we like to keep our lips tightly shut about the rowdy evenings we spend with the stars (hey, we’re discrete motherfuckers), let’s at least say that Kagney Linn Karter, Sara Sloane, Francesca Le, and Sean Michaels may have all thrown back a few brews with the likes of the WHACK! Staph, while enjoying the DJ stylings of DJ Licious, the stripping prowess of several lovely ladies in the back room, and the six well-stocked bars the Sheraton hotel made available. We won’t say any more, because we’re ladies and gentlemen over here, but… Well, ok, we don’t remember much. True story.

The following night, WHACK! returned to the mean streets of NYC to attend an Exxxotica-cosponsored party at legendary East Side strip club Sapphire’s, where we watched Teagan Presley get naked and nasty on stage. We all went home with raging hard-ons, as did everyone else there.

The biggest snag in the weekend was the absence, from the Burning Angel booth, of one of WHACK!’s favorite tattooed and sexy stars, Jessie Lee, who was involved in a traffic accident on her way to the show! AVN is providing updates on her condition, but as of the last we heard she is stable and doing well. Our thoughts/prayers/nondenominational “good vibes” are with Jessie, and were all weekend.

—Miss Lagsalot

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