A friend told me a few days ago that when she told her husband she was excited for my impending visit, during which we would spend some time with our lesbian friend together, he said, “So what, are they going to spend all their time talking about having sex with women?”
She was offended by this question, and I’m glad she was, because that’s a willfully stupid thing to say. Obviously women who have sex with women, like our mutual friend and I, don’t restrict our conversation to “ladysex,” as my friends and I laughingly called it all weekend. We made a joke out of it and referred to “ladysex” at every possible opportunity to poke some fun at the sadly narrow-minded husband. Normally we wouldn’t talk that much about it: those of us who enjoy the sexual company of women don’t freak out and only talk about that subject when in the presence of others like ourselves, any more than people who have sex with any other type of person talk about the kind of sex they have. That’s just small-minded and silly.
But then again, I’ve started thinking about it on my own, and you know what? While we might not restrict our conversation to ladysex normally, I think that when I’m with my lady-loving female friends, we actually do spend a fair proportion of our time talking about that topic. Here’s why:
1) I’m a horny person and I write about sex and porn professionally for several publications. I’m particularly interested in the social, cultural, political, and personal impacts of non-normative sexual practices, gender roles, and queerness of all kinds. So when anything tangentially related to ladysex comes up, my mind veers in that direction.
2) My friends–particularly those with interests in ladysex or any of the things I write about–know that I’m knowledgeable and curious about these topics. They also know I love to talk. So they discuss their ideas, experiences, and frustrations with me, and sometimes ask questions.
3) It’s not all that often that those of us women who like ladysex actually get together and have an opportunity to talk about it. So when we do, we really enjoy talking about it. Sharing experiences, ideas, techniques… you know, war stories and the like. It’s fun, and in a world where “ladysex” is referred to by numerous even sillier names (“girl-on-girl” when obviously everyone involved is at least 18 and therefore a woman, etc), represented so flat-out badly so much of the time (we’ve all watched “lesbian” porno scenes in which it could not possibly be more obvious that none of the women are at all interested in other women), and rarely discussed openly and honestly (safer sex practices between women, for example, are mysterious at best and completely unknown at worst), it’s actually important to talk about it. To remember that even though our tendency toward “ladysex” might not be the defining trait of our characters, it is a part of what makes us who we are. To be happy that we’ve had the experiences we’ve been lucky enough to have and to feel validated amongst a group of people who understand those experiences–isn’t that what people do with everything else? Isn’t that what’s so often missing in the discussion of sex? I say, talk about ALL the sex you have, whether it’s with a man or a woman or a toy or a genderqueer or whatever! Talk about it, validate it, think about it, write about it. Do it and love it and be proud!
So, that being said… you know what I love? Ladysex! Loud and proud, baby!