MALICE IN LALALAND — “The kind of masturbation material I thought only existed through the looking glass.”

MALICE IN LALALAND

Vivid and Miss Lucifer Productions

Run time: 98 minutes

Directed by Lew Xypher

CHICKS AND DICKS Sasha Grey, Andy San Dimas, Dirty Fred, Keni Styles, Ron Jeremy, Alan Stafford, Kagney Linn Karter, Tommy Gunn, Billy Glide, Phoenix Marie, Mackenzee Pierce, Jesse Capelli, Alyssa Reece, Kristina Rose, Juelz Ventura, Sadie West, Chris Johnson, Danny Mountain, Chayse Evans, Stephen Powers

When Malice in LaLaLand came across my desk, I had a whole list of other DVDs I was supposed to review first. But I got so excited to finally get my grubby paws on this film — and I mean film; it was shot on 35mm stock, making it not only a work of an almost-lost art but also expensive as hell — that I’d heard so much about for so long that I brushed them all aside and popped Malice in almost immediately. Of course, I paused first to take off my pants and grab a vibrator, but that didn’t take long.

And much as I hate to gush too much about a movie that claims to be art and porn at once, much as that’s a fraught relationship, much as I don’t like to fawn too blatantly… Dude. I gotta admit… From start to finish, this movie blew me away. Not only does Malice pack some hardcore whores like Sasha Grey, Andy San Dimas, Kagney Linn Karter, Juelz Venture, Kristina Rose, Keni Styles, Ron Jeremy, and more… not only do they all fuck their way through the film with searing talent and raw lust… not only do they do all this to an original, hilarious, hard-hitting soundtrack from European artists… not only does it manage to maintain stunningly beautiful aesthetics throughout… but it also, amazingly, pulls it all off.

Unlike other recently made, high-budget feature films that work so saddeningly hard to be art and porn that they end up being, confusingly, neither, Malice doesn’t take itself too seriously. It tells a whimsical, drug-addled, sexy, yet hard-hitting reinvention of the classic Alice in Wonderland and Through the Looking Glass stories, taking care to make fun of itself and tie in jokes while still packing a homicidal and horny punch that got me off several times over. And in, shall we say, spectacular fashion.

The plot follows the adventures of a mental patient, Malice (Grey), who escapes from her scary-ass institution in a T-shirt and bunny slippers thanks to the creepy leadership of a the scariest rabbit I’ve seen outside of Donnie Darko… Actually, maybe even including that one; “little person” Stephen Powers + evil bunny outfit = one of the creepiest visuals in film-making history, whether mainstream or adult. Anyway, Malice escapes her inept yet terrifyingly obsessed captor, Jabbowski (Dirty Fred) and slides down the rabbit hole into the desert, where she wanders naked, following the rabbit, to a string of hideouts where she squirms her sexy ass further and further into depravity that’s unsurprisingly slippery, just like her… um… You know. Twat.

On her adventures she meets Chester Catz (Keni Styles), a Hunter S. Thompson lookalike with a penchant for dirty photography, dirtier sex, and one hell of a terrifying Cheshire Cat mask. He takes her to party after party, first at Kater’s (Ron Jeremy) psychedelic strip club, then a sex club that caters to the depraved and deranged, all the while being tracked by an increasingly desperate and violent Jabbowski, whose boss and obsessive object, Doctor Queenie (Andy San Dimas) is depending on him to bring Malice back to the ward. After falling to the bottom of the rabbit’s randy hole and filming an MMF anal threesome in an abandoned diner, she winds up strapped back to her bed with a few more wank-worthy memories to dream about with a few bodies leaving a trail.

I can’t remember the last time I saw a porn flick that made me laugh, gasp, laugh again, appreciate the cinematography, and come so hard all in just an hour and a half, and my hat — and panties — are off to Miss Lucifer Productions for making the kind of masturbation material I thought only existed through the looking glass.

—Miss Lagsalot