I’ve had a lot of people ask me, over the years, why I don’t try performing in porn since I’m so interested in it. My answer is usually something along the lines of, “That’s just not my style.” And that’s true. In theory I have no problem with it, and I salute people who perform because they are brave and beautiful. I find their line of work fascinating. I want to promote what they do as a legit career choice. But the idea of making porn myself has just never appealed to me.
I know I’m not an exhibitionist. I don’t hate the idea of people seeing me naked, but it doesn’t particularly excite me, either. I’ve been to porn sets and swing parties and orgies, and it’s fun, but those environments don’t get me particularly hot and bothered as a rule.
A few days ago I was on a crowded subway train and packed in between a bunch of people. We were all wearing winter coats, so there wasn’t much actual body contact, but I felt totally grossed out by being pressed up against strangers, as I always do. And it suddenly occurred to me: maybe that’s the thing I’m lacking with regard to porn. The thing that holds me back from going more “in-depth.” Bodies. I don’t love bodies.
I mean, I don’t not love bodies. But I think in a weird way, my love for bodies is abstract. Like, I think everyone is beautiful and magical and part of a greater cosmic continuum of beauty. I think everyone should do their best to accept and love their body, and be proud of what they’ve got. Rock it. Love it. Sex it. Make it happy. Treat it well. I hope that every person has the best experience in their body that they can.
But when it comes to interacting with bodies? I’m just not that into it on an everyday, practical level. I could never be a doctor. Or a day care provider. Or a babysitter. Or… like… anything that requires much physical contact. The thought of touching people’s bodies regularly just makes me feel icky. It’s not a personal jab against anyone–I just don’t feel compelled to be touchy-feely. Even with my best friends and family, and even people I have crushes on, I tend not to be very hands-on. I’m just not that interested in body-to-body contact, except in the very specific circumstances I choose. And I suppose I could be a porn performer who’s very particular about what and where and when and how I shoot, but honestly I think I just wouldn’t enjoy it. Too much tactility. I love the idea in theory. Again, the abstract idea of people being sexy–even watching people being sexy in the movies they make–is totally hot. But for me, the reality of it just isn’t as great most the time. Being near other people’s bodies and being expected to touch them is just not my bag.
That’s weird, isn’t it? Maybe I should get some therapy. But anyway, I just thought I’d share. This was a pretty major brainstorm for me.