Do Not Fuck Todd Akin

There are a lot of things I could say in response to Todd Akin’s remarks to a Fox affiliate in St. Louis, which aired on Sunday. This dude actually said these words: “It seems to me, first of all, from what I understand from doctors, (pregnancy from rape) is really rare. If it’s legitimate rape, the female body has ways to try to shut that whole thing down. But let’s assume that maybe that didn’t work or something. I think there should be some punishment, but the punishment ought to be on the rapist and not attacking the child.”

No, really. He actually said that. Here’s the video:

And I mean, wow, I could have a field day with this guy.

But I’ve decided not to. Obviously the man has the empathy of a troglodyte (which might, in fact, be really short-changing cave-dwelling creatures of all kinds). Really, there’s no need to pick on this pathetic excuse for a Republican congressman and presumptive Missouri senator. He’s done it well enough for himself. He’ll never live it down.

I’ll just tell it like it is. I was considering doing some research on his politics to find out what his stance on, oh, I dunno… gun control, military spending, climate change, healthcare, and pollution were. You know, the kinds of things that actually have a lot to do with maintaining or ending the lives of full-fledged human beings who have been born. But then I thought: Why should I research him just to make a point about what a sorry excuse for a brain he’s got in that gigantic noggin? He obviously has never done any research whatsoever on the female body or the realities of rape in this country. Excuse me–the thousands of women who are raped every year? I think you must mean the millions of men and women and others who are raped. Check out the numbers, dude. And he presumes to know what constitutes a “legitimate” rape versus a… what… a fake rape? He must have a lot of experience with being victimized. I can tell from the way he… talks out of his asshole. And certainly he knows a lot about women’s bodies and how they can… what… tell the difference between rapist sperm and non-rapist sperm? Or something?

Whatever. The point here is that the man didn’t do shit in the way of researching, so I’m not going to research  him. I’m going to assume that he’s purports to be pro-life, but supports legislation that supports the unrestricted sale of firearms, gives tax breaks and a big blind eye to corporations that pollute our earth, refuses to acknowledge any human role in global warming (which leads to deaths worldwide via crazy weather), and hands over every damn last penny of the poor people’s tax money to the military so it can go around killing other poor people, but denies those poor people from getting any assistance from the government to keep themselves alive if they get sick. I feel as if I’m not too far off, even not having done my research.

BUT! Here’s the main thing: this man knows absolutely nothing about the female body. He has no fucking clue what he is doing. If you are a woman, do not have sex with this man. He will  not know how to turn you on or help you achieve orgasm. I’ve done no research, but I predict that heterosexual coitus with Todd Akin, R-Missouri, will be universally unsatisfying, uncomfortable, and probably very brief. I can say nothing about his familiarity with the male body or with homosexual sex, but let me tell you: if you are a woman, DO NOT FUCK TODD AKIN.

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