FASTER PUSSYCAT! FUCK! FUCK! — “Sex, speed, sex, and more sex!”

faster pussycat box cover lynsey gFASTER PUSSYCAT! FUCK! FUCK!

Starr Productions

Directed by Elizabeth Starr

Run Time 97 minutes

STARRING
Summer Cummings, Elizabeth Starr, Tiffany Towers, Ron Jeremy, Kitten Natividad, Kndi Cox, Daphne Rosen, Rod Long, Dik Silver, Dexter, Larry Blueballs

I’d been looking at the box cover of “Faster Pussycat! Fuck! Fuck!” for a few months. Lexi Love handed the DVD to me a while back and said she’d love to see the magazine review it. This 2006 parody of the 1965 cult classic Faster Pussycat! Kill! Kill! starring the big-bosomed, badass Tura Satana looked like pure cheesy porn parody gold, but I’d never seen the original, and the giant-jubblied ladies on the cover looked a little daunting. I kept telling myself I’d watch the original one of these nights and figure out what was being parodied first, then get around to watching the porno.

Well, just yesterday I was cruising the web and saw obituary and tribute articles all over the damn place for none other that Tura Satana, the original Faster Pussycat, directed by Russ Meyers, stars and all-around ass-kicking female. She died on February 4 at age 72, which seems impossibly young for a woman who was so buxom and beating-friendly in 1965, but her sources are sticking to their story. Anyway, I watched the original last night, and holy shit I can’t believe I hadn’t seen it before! From one cult lover to another (I have this feeling that die-hard porn fans also have a general appreciation for over-cheesed crappy movie acting), Faster Pussycat! Kill! Kill! is the epitome of badly-acted, nonsensical Hollywood trash with a heart of pure, hardened, cast iron badassery. I’m in love. And as such, let’s give its tribute, Faster Pussycat! Fuck! Fuck! a look, shall we? I’m predicting beautiful things; the original was so badly acted and scripted that even with a cast of fake-titted porn stars, the porno can’t do much be as endearingly terrible as the original, and simply add the sex where the original implied it—and that’s a lot of sex, ladies and gents.

A voicover starts us off, telling us about three Hollywood sex-kittens on the loose: “Their sex-hungry bodies ache for something faster, and harder: sex, speed, sex, and more sex.” Yeah, this is gonna be good. The main cast of the movie, as with all of Elizabeth Starr’s movies, seems to be gigantic, distended silicone implants, but I believe there are women behind them somewhere… Oh, there she is! Summer Cummings will be taking on the role of Pussy La Moore, the leader of the bad bitch gang, though I do think those bulging bosoms might distract me a bit from her dialogue. It’s a shame, really. Their cars are noticeably inferior to the ones in the original, but hey, it’s a lot harder to find European early-sixties roadsters now than it was in 1965, and this is, after all, a low-budget campy porno. So I’ll give them a pass on having post-65 models on their set.

Our first fight scene, and every one thereafter, is a bit of a let-down. Tura Satana was actually a trained martial artist, so I wasn’t expecting Summer Cummings and Elizabeth Starr to exactly mimic her moves, but whereas Tura really kicked ass, these women’s fighting repertoir seems to rely entirely on smooshing their boobs against each other’s and smothering people in their cleavage. Which is all well and good, but somewhat less badass than I’d hoped. Ah, well, with melons like that mashed into your shirt, I guess there’s not much else to do.

They recreate the first scene pretty faithfully, actually. The acting is—amazingly—worse, but they’re all having fun faster pussycat stars lynsey gwith it. Pussy takes the girl and Bubbles handles the man as they fuck the sore loser of a desert race, Hot Rod, senseless and leave him for dead face down in the sand. Rod Long has got to be one of the ugliest guys in the biz, but he pulls off a pretty masturbation-worthy scene, as do the humongous sweater puppies of Daphne Rosen and Summer Cummings as they dyke out on the hood of a hot rod.

Their adventures continue as they take off with the kidnapped girl in tow, driving through rough country until they come across an incestuous (maybe?) and horny (definitely) redneck family in the desert, led by patriarch Ron Jeremy. The porno version starts to veer off course from the original when, rather than two sons, the redneck family has a rather dumb son and an overly giggly, behemoth-breasted daughter. A pretty fantastic lesbian scene, considering the huge fake honkers, ensues with the redneck’s daughter and Bubbles. Meanwhile, diverging further from the original plot, it turns out that Hot Rod is alive and on the prowl for his girlfriend.

Meanwhile, back on the ranch – literally – Dickie Dude Ranch (Dik Silver) plays dumb so well as Pussy seduces him that I’m kind of worried Dik Silver really is that dumb, which would seem rather exploitative in a porno… Oh, wait, no, I don’t think it matters if he’s dumb or not, because he’s got a ginormous cock with a HUGE cock ring right through the tip! He’s either dumb or impervious to pain, but with a member like that it doesn’t matter too much, does it? He’s obviously doing what any similarly-appendaged man was born to do: fucking on camera. Apparently this is Summer Cummings’s first-ever on screen blowjob, but I’d have never guessed. She’s definitely been giving blowjobs in her private life, that whore!

fasterpussycat2Rod arrives at the “Sheriff Station” where the Sheriff is drinking “XXX Whisky.” I doubt that the sheriff of “Nowhere, CA” is into the finer things in life, including whisky made in Scotland, which is spelled without an “e.” Here in America, however, we drink whiskey with an “e.” Whoever made the signage for this movie is a true comedian. I hope. Or maybe as dumb as Dik Silver. Anyway, it’s still pretty fun. And I must admit that I’m enjoying how relatively sensible are the shoes the women wear in this movie. Walking around in the desert as top-heavy as these women are, I imagine balance is important.

At any rate, in the end, Hot Rod gets shot, the girlfriend dies in the trunk of somebody’s car, Bubbles is tied up and forgotten somewhere on the ranch for the family to enjoy, and our two remaining heroins walk off into the sunset, sick of all the mayhem. The porno version was exactly what I expected, yet somehow better and worse at once. The sex was pretty good, the boobs were nothing short of epic, and the spirit of the original was pretty much kept intact. But, no offense to Elizabeth Starr, who made the whole thing, but the movie makes much less sense than the original, and that’s really saying something. When your original is a cult classic specifically because the plot leaves the viewer wondering what the fuck just happened, creating a knockoff with a superior sense of logic shouldn’t be too much to ask. But, then again, this is a big-tit movie from a seriously campy production company, so who can complain? And, hey, those tits really were epic.

—Miss Lagsalot

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