Hot Buttered Porn
Directed by Rico Montana
Run Time 115 minutes
BROADS AND BONERS
Lexi Love, McKenzee Miles, Alexa James, Chastity Lynn, Christina Skye, Chris Strokes, Jack Lawrence
When Al Piper reports live from Southern California at the beginning of this fuck flick, you know you’re in for a fun ride. “We’ve been getting reports, not of regular home invasions,” he informs the camera in serious local-TV-reporter style, “but of nympho home invasions.” Well, hot damn, if I had to pick a kind of home invasion off the menu, I think I’d take me the nympho kind, wouldn’t you? After all, there aren’t that many types of home invasion: there’s the roach/rat infestation, which is just gross; the bedbug invasion, which will fuck your shit up unpleasantly for months on end (trust me, I live in New York, we know these things); the breaking-and-entering burglary, which can be violent and totally ruin your day; and the rape-and-pillage invasion, which will totally ruin your life. But a nympho home invasion? A nympho is a much more pleasant thing to have hanging around in the dark corners of your home than a roach, and less terrifying than a burglar/rapist! I’ll take Home Invasion Nymphos for $500, Alex. As long as the nympho invading your space is sexy that sounds pretty hot.
And, in Rico Montana’s latest release from Hot Buttered Porn, it is pretty hot. McKenzee Miles, WHACK!’s own smut star Lexi Love, Alexa James, Chastity Lynn, and Christina Skye are all sexy, and nymphomaniacal as they come. If home invasion is the order of the day, and my invader looked like any one of these round-assed, perfect titted sickos, I’d invite them in with my pants already off. Of course, in the context of the film, it’s not that easy: these people live in Southern California, after all. They’re used to slutty blondes and big-boobed brunettes running loose in their neighborhoods and they’re not just going to let anybody into their porn mansions. Who can blame them?
Driven to desperation by their need to fuck and filch, the ho’s resort to dirty measures to get into people’s houses: McKenzee Miles convinces a police officer with a cock bigger than any night stick I’ve ever seen to let her into someone else’s house, fucks him senseless, and steals everything in sight. Lexi Love, the devious little diva, fakes a car break-down-phone-call situation and handcuffs the unsuspecting, pop-corn munching homeowner to his staircase before fucking his brains out, and Alexa James hires herself out as a hooker and fucks Chastity Lynn and her kinda Steve-Buscemi-looking dude before tying them up and robbing them blind. (Let me just take this moment to say that Chastity Lynn is one of the most satisfyingly whorish looking women I’ve seen in my years of watching porn; she looks just like that helplessly slutty, very friendly, totally dumb chick we all went to middle school with.) And though I’m honestly not clear on exactly how Christina Skye is a home-invader, she is definitely a nympho, and we are lucky enough to get to watch her sex-crazed self off to us.
Throughout this short-but-sweet collection of coital scenes, director Montana works in a healthy dose of self-reverence between raunchy racketeering: Hot Buttered Porn’s logo, an old-school Hollywood bag of movie popcorn, appears in two different scenes where the performers are crunching away greedily, and the tied-and-robbed couple in the penultimate perversion watches a porn scene while waiting for their whore to show up — a porn scene the viewer shortly sees in the next scene of Home Invasion Nymphos. Product placement, logo reinforcement, and self-referential meta-literature in a porno flick? How post-modern! Touche, Rico Montana, touche, I thought, as I touched myself.