HOOKED — “A veritable buffet of options for self-abuse.”

HOOKED

Wicked Pictures

Directed by Brad Armstrong

BROADS

jessica drake, Chanel Preston, Eva Angelina, Jenny Hendrix, Kortney Kane, Shyla Stylez, Barrett Blade, Bill Bailey, Brad Armstrong, Marcus London, Randy Spears, Rocco Reed, Tommy Gunn, Tony de Sergio, Eric Masterson

Wicked Pictures’ recent release Hooked is the heart-warming, cock-raising tale of a hooker with a heart of gold who goes on a life-changing journey of the soul — with a whole boat full of lube. It’s kind of like if you took Julia Roberts from Pretty Woman and made her have hot, big-toothed sex with Julia Roberts from Eat, Pray, Love, and they had a love child who loved to fuck. Cause Hooked is kind of the ultimate chick flick, with a woman discovering herself, except instead of traveling the world to find her inner self, she becomes a hooker, and in the end she winds up with a really hot, wealthy man who wants to rescue her from the world of screwing for cash. And instead of it being Julia Roberts, it’s jessica drake, cause let’s face it, jessica drake has a whole heaping hump more sex appeal than Julia Roberts ever will, and bigger boobs. And instead of Richard Gere saving her from street walking, it’s Marcus London. Cause let’s face it, Marcus London is one of the most debonnaire men in the mope biz, and he’s got a way bigger cock than Richard Gere. I mean, not that I really know about Richard Gere, but c’mon, the guy’s a Buddhist and he starred in Chicago. Can’t be swinging all that much around down there.

Anyway, Hooked is like the ultimate chick flick, except it’s a porno. But it’s definitely woman-centric porn with a heart of gold. Did I already say heart of gold? Well, who cares. It’s a chick flick: it’s all about the heart of gold. This just has lots and lots… and lots… and lots of boning.

Jessica drake’s character Andrea works a dead-end job for the boss from hell. She’s a beautiful woman with a searching soul and a pair of perfect tits, and she doesn’t know what to do with herself. One day she stops at a bar for an apple martini and is picked up by a dashing Englishman who mistakes her for an “escort.” Infuriated, she throws her girlie drink in his face and storms out, but when she gets home she wonders what she might be missing out on. So the next night she goes back to the bar and takes “John” up on his offer of paid penile penetration. They have so much fun — and who wouldn’t with a wang like that in the equation? — that she keeps cumming back for more, until he leaves for New York and she falls back into the same sexless rut she was in before.

Bored and lonely, she goes back to the bar and starts sleeping with johns for cash — mostly in gratuitous filmed detail, which is fine with me. Soon she’s a bona fide working girl with a stable of customers, a pair of sky-high hooker heels, and more mini-skirts than you can shake a dick at. She meets a madame in the form of Chanel Preston, with whom she has a scorching threesome with Brad Armstrong, followed by a surprisingly strokeworthy and eyebrow-raisingly kinky (for Wicked) domination/foot-worship/anal scene with Randy Spears, her asshole boss from the office. Of course, this being a chick flick and disbelief being therefore utterly suspended, Andrea’s mask effectively disguises her identity, so she gets to whip and degrade her boss in anonymity.

Before long she’s one of the highest-paid hookers in town, loaded up in a limo drinking champagne on the way to an orgy with Chanel Preston, Jenny Hendrix, Kortney Kane, and Shyla Stylez. Alas, she doesn’t make it to the orgy, because when she arrives, her first john is there, and she can’t deal with the feelings his presence brings up. They argue, then she storms off, leaving the rest of the crew to have a six-way, sizzlingly sex-tastic orgy packed so full of pussy and prick you’ll probably make a mess all over yourself before anyone switches partners!

Andrea gets arrested for hooking and is bailed out by her original john, who reveals that his real name is Michael and that he’s about to save her from her life of sin by whisking her off to a romantic trip to Hawaii. Before they fly off into the sunset, however, Andrea can’t resist going back to work to humiliate her boss in front of the office with a picture she snapped of him in a ball-gag and chains during their illicit liaison. Male-dominated workplace hierarchy, take that! She’s off to live out the rest of her life in luxury being pampered by her escort-seeking sugar daddy!

All things told, I could make fun of the plot in Hooked because, in case you couldn’t tell, I’m not much of a fan of chick flicks. But in reality, Hooked isn’t a chick flick — it’s a fuck flick. And it’s one hell of a well-made, high-end, astonishingly well acted, orgasm-inducing fuck flick that kept my interest during the boning sessions and the acting parts alike! Jessica drake is, as always, a joy to watch as she fucks — and convincingly acts — her way through every scenario; she’s an elegantly beautiful woman, and she can ride a john’s joystick with class most other performers simply can’t pull off. The sex is, for the most part, red hot, regardless of who’s having it, and the film offers a veritable buffet of options for self-abuse, with lesbian action, group sex, domination and foot worship, and straight sex to choose from. And, I mean, what’s not to love? There’s even an empowering, utterly satisfying, totally worth it, happy ending! And yes, I mean it in every possible interpretation of the phrase.

Get it for yourself here.

—Miss Lagsalot

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