Jennaration X Studios/Jules Jordan Video
Directed by: Jenna Haze
Run time: 5 hours 18 minutes
Starring: Jenna Haze, April O’Neil, Tori Black, Lily LaBeau, Lexi Belle, Faye Reagan, Zoe Voss, Marie Luv, Scott Nails, Voodoo, Mick Blue, Toni Ribas, Mark Ashley, Prince Yahshua, James Deen
Thank you, Jenna Haze. No, really, thank you. I mean it. You are setting an example for other performers to follow and you are doing it in stunning style. Not only are you one of the most exquisitely beautiful women to have ever made her way into the world of pornography, but you’ve done it completely on your own terms, worked your perfect little ass off, won every award there was to win, and used your power in the industry to start your own production studio where you make the porn that you damn well want to make. I hope that more talented and beautiful young women like you, with good heads on their shoulders and clear visions of what they want out of their careers, will become the driving forces behind movies like Legs Up, Hose Down.
I’m serious. It’s not that Jenna Haze is the first female performer to ever become a powerhouse on the sweat of her own brow and using her own business acumen, but she’s done it in a way that I really fucking respect. She makes movies, and performs in them, because she loves doing what she does. And she makes them the way she wants to: dirty, deviant, and delicious, with a heaping portion of beautiful thrown in for good measure. I wouldn’t call most of Jennaration X’s movies necessarily artsy, but that’s part of their beauty: Jenna’s not trying to make artsy sex cinema, she’s just doing what she wants with makeup and costuming and cinematography, and in the process coming up with a lot of new aesthetics that are, without even trying to be, absolutely gorgeous.
All that being said, I hope that you readers appreciate the hard work I do for you as much I appreciate the hard work Jenna does for all of us. I sat down for an evening with Legs Up, Hose Down without realizing it was a double-disc setspanning over five hours of fucking. I wasn’t prepared for the marathon I’d gotten myself into. I came too soon and then spent a few hours lolling around on the couch wondering if I went to the kitchen to get a snack if I’d miss something, then came again. And again.
Jenna told me at Exxxotica NJ this year that she thought Legs Up, Hose Down, was the best movie she’d ever directed, and while I can’t say if that’s true because I haven’t seen all of her work, I can say that it’s got to be up there. Legs Up, Hose Down is a stockings movie, but not purely and simply. Jenna experimented with dramatic makeup, wild colors, and fetishes ranging from stocking ripping (predictably enough) to foot worship (works with the stockings) to leg shaving (huh…) to things I don’t even know how to name properly. She uses opening tease scenes heavily to showcase every one of the beautiful women she cast in varying lights, from soft and subtly sexy (in the cases of Zoe Voss, April O’Neil, Lexi Belle, and Faye Raegan) to 80’s-tastic athleticy (i.e. Tori Black and Marie Luv) to I-want-to-bang-your-brains-out hot (a la Lily LaBeau and Ms. Haze herself).
Jenna and Zoe Voss start things up along with a delighted-to-be-there Scott Nails. Both the ladies are in patterned fishnets and ready to eat each other up before Mr. Nails steps in and helps them out with a few more digits and a dick to aid in their penetration needs. Jenna Haze has always stunned me in threesome scenes, because a more helpful third party you’ll never see: she goes the extra mile to make sure everyone is having a good time by providing dirty talk, extra lubrication, and even hand-jobs when the dick is a little too big to fit the whole way in. She’s intense, she’s filthy, and she’s fine.
Tori Black and Prince Yahshua take over the screen next, Tori in a teal stocking, head-band, and bra getup that is so eighties it’s almost off-putting at first. Personally, I’ve never been a fan of teal, but Tori’s stunning beauty and charisma on camera put my color preferences to rest, as did the scorching randiness that Prince brought to the scene. There was, it was obvious from his licking, biting, and kissing, absolutely no part of Tori he did not want to lick. For that matter, there’s no part of her that I don’t want to lick, either. The only issue with this scene was that Tori and Prince didn’t seem very anatomically compatible: during their anal romp, his cock kept popping out, so often that it became quite distracting after a while.
And then God said, let there be sexy, and there was April O’Neil. I don’t know how this successful performer has stayed largely off my radar for so long, but… WOW. This little lady is a leggy masterpiece of feminine perfection with a mind-blowing rack the likes of which are rarely seen, even in porn. Jennaration X only hires all-natural women, and had I not known this I might have assumed April’s tatas were fake, they are so perfect. Full, round, and heavy on the bottom, with perky nipples sticking up at the ultimate angle, her thin waist and long, lean legs, along with her round bottom, add up to the perfect figure. I’m talking Jessica Rabbit stacked. I’m talking mud-flap stacked. I’m talking jaw-dropping amazingness. And that’s all before James Deen came in to join her in the bathroom. If anyone out there doesn’t love James Deen, and/or envy him, they haven’t watched him perform; he seems to bring out the best in his co-stars, and for lovely April, the best is the cutest series of gasps and giggles and squeals you can imagine. Had I a load to blow, as does a male, it would have been gone halfway through this scene, and again at the end, when those lovely all-natural nubbins wrap lovingly around Deen’s dick.
Faye Reagan, Lexi Belle, and Jenna rip up an old-timey antique couch in a randy three-way so full of tulle it’s sometimes hard to see the action in the next scene, but from their screams, gyrations, O-faces, and the flapping and bouncing of their breasts (and their tutus), they turn from pixie-colored ballerinas into intensely dirty bitches. I have a feeling most real-life ballet dancers might take issue with their form, but these ladies aren’t going for delicate dance; they’re here for the orgasms, and they each get their fill.
On Disc 2 (oh yes, dearest reader, I watched both discs because that’s how much I love you), things get started with Marie Luv and Mark Ashley, who go through a series of slightly less-than-athletic positions which could be somewhat disappointing after the posturing of Jenna’s last scene, if it weren’t for the fact that Marie is getting off so intensely and so often that she appears to be literally unable to move her limbs on her own. There is screaming, there is groaning, there is militant groaning, and there is so much lady-juice flowing that what could be a boring scene is transformed into a riveting romp.
The penultimate scene is a doozy: the lovely Lily LaBeau takes on Mick Blue and Toni Ribas with a perverted gusto that drove me to the brink of insanity. Lily is swelteringly hot as always and she knows how to kink up a pair of black stockings like nobody’s business. I’m talking using them for all kinds of purposes that only the most seasoned of nylon nuts would even think of, and even though it’s kinky as hell, it’s still sexy even to the non-nylon-maniac like myself.
Last but certainly not least, Jenna dolls herself up in a beautiful, old-fashioned looking brown leather-and-silk-stockings getup that could probably get the job done for most at-home cock-jockeys, but then she spends a good half hour doing all manner of dirty things to Voodoo that will leave most viewers drained and happily exhausted.
Even after almost five and a half hours of hardcore porn, I can honestly say I’m still excited by what I’ve just seen. Jenna Haze is a masterful director and a hell of a lady, and my pants and hat are both off to her!