This may be just about the most fucked-up thing we’ve heard about at WHACK! — and that is saying a LOT, friends. Or maybe it’s the coolest. We can’t decide. Official, actual, real-life virgin Nicki Blue will be deflowered live on the internet tonight at 7 pm PST, in a ritualistic deflowering ceremony at’s main headquarters at the San Francisco armory. Apparently this sweet, innocent young thing has long harbored a dream of “having vaginal sex for the first time and breaking her hymen among a group of like-minded individuals”, by which of course, given that it’s we’re talking about, means hardcore bondage and probably some guys in hoods and masks, like in Eyes Wide Shut. At least, we hope so, cause that’s kind of cool, just on a whole other level of creepy.

I mean, on the one hand, good for Nicki for realizing her fantasy. Most of the virgins I know, or knew in high school anyway, might have had similar egomaniacal dreams of their biggest moment in life to date being turned into as big a deal for everyone else as it was for them. Seriously, losing your virginity is a huge milestone moment for all of us, and I think all of us secretly hoped it would be a huge event that would stop time and space. Most of us were deeply disappointed, instead, by the ten-to-thirty seconds of awkward humping that ensued in the back of somebody’s parents’ car before a mess was made and we never wanted to look at that geeky sonofabitch ever again without puking. So the fact that Nicki will get to not only live out her bondage dream, but also have her devirginization filmed for posterity at the hands of whichever stud the members watching vote for, is really a pretty fucking awesome accomplishment. I wish my deflowerment had been so solemn and sexy!

But then again, the whole ritualistic aspect of this thing is kind of creeping me out. The way it’s talked about in the article I read on the topic kind of makes it sound like an underground meeting of the Freemasons back in Victorian England, where a young virgin was gang-raped by the upper crust of England’s nobility, then mutilated in some Masonic rite and ritualistically offered to their pagan gods of the New Science. Or something. So, Nicki, we’re hoping this all goes well for you, but we recommend bringing a friend, remembering the safe word, and keeping a close eye out to make sure that the three woodsmen lined up for the chance to penetrate you really are James Deen, Jack Hammer, and Mark Davis, not some sixty-year old British gentleman with a penchant for disemboweling delicious young deviants like yourself. Just a word of caution.

—Miss Lagsalot


  1. Maxxx says:

    How do you join the queue to fuck a virgin and have it recorded for posterity? That’s a good question, but unfortunately for both of us I don’t have the answer.


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