LESBIAN PSYCHO DRAMAS Volume 6 — “Lots of naked women rubbing themselves up against each other will never be unenjoyable!”


Girlfriends Films

Heather Starlet, Shyla Jennings, Amber Chase, Prinzzess, Sara Stone, Gracie Glam, Brenda James

You can bet that when I got a DVD titled Lesbian Psycho Dramas Volume 6 in the mail a few days ago, I popped that sucker into the player faster than I could even get my pants off. And I can get my pants off pretty damn quick. I mean, Lesbian Psycho Dramas?! What a brilliant f-ing title for a series of porno flicks! I’ve been privy to a few real-life lesbian psycho dramas in my time, but sadly I was on the outside looking in on most of them. And let me tell you, all the crying, screaming, and weaponry (no, I’m serious; one of them involved katanas, a double-edged dagger, and a  blowdart gun. really.) would have been more worthwhile if I’d just been able to watch them get naked and go at it once the shrieking was over. But in real life, it turns out, lesbian psycho dramas are not nearly as chock-full of eye candy or flopping boobies as the one I expected this Gitlfriend Films feature to be.

And Lesbian Psycho Dramas Volume 6 certainly didn’t disappoint in the eye candy and boobs department. Sara Stone’s perfectly round bosoms were enough to plaster a smile on my face throughout the four-scene, all-girl ride. But I’ll admit the smile slipped a few times because… well… it was an awfully vanilla ride. Don’t get me wrong, I’m just as pig-headed as your average porn viewer in many ways: lots of pretty naked women rubbing themselves up against each other in visually pleasing ways and penetrating one another’s orifices will never be an unenjoyable experience for me. And there’s a whole lotta body rubbing and fingering in this flick. It’s not that I minded watching the oh-so-polite and quite effective (in one scene, Prinzzess cums so hard that her orgasm actually lifts her body off the bed and she must be wrestled down by costar Amber Chase, and it’s absolutely delicious) ministrations of the lovely ladies… But…

Ok, when you hear the title Lesbian Psycho Dramas, does sweet, tender, eye-locking, light-touching, kissing, and smiling sex pop into your mind? It doesn’t pop into my mind. What my twisted psyche fills itself with instead is an orgy of depraved, kinky, all-out demented crazy sex demon stuff. I imagine whips, maybe some bondage, lots of force, and plenty of name-calling. You know, psycho lesbian stuff. I know I’m a bit deep into hardcore pornography over here, but after last week’s long and boring bout with Lost & Found, I was really looking forward to some degeneracy to round out my porn-watching palate. You know, maybe a blowdart gun or some katanas or something. Something exciting.

And the plot itself begs for it as much as a good bottom should in a BDSM scene: this is another of Girlfriends Films’ ongoing series in which a central plot continues to be played out, movie after movie. In this one, the psychotic daughter (Prinzzess) who broke her sister’s (Heather Starlet) nose before being locked up in a mental institution, is released unexpectedly, ruining a girls’ weekend away (which was to include Heather, Gracie Glam, and Shyla Jennings) and throwing mother Brenda James into a confused tailspin in which she’s open to seduction. Prinzzess shows up with her new “wife” (Amber Chase, with whom the marriage has not yet been consummated, hence the quotation marks) in tow and the two proceed to terrorize the family, their friends, and a very friendly doctor.

Sounds like the ex-psych-ward inmates might get some really kinky action going with Heather’s friends, right? Like maybe the two newlyweds might come home from 24/7 surveillance to have wildly impassioned first-time sex? Or that there”s a gaping void here waiting to be filled by some dirty-ass fists/dildos/buttplugs? Seemed that way to me.

But what I got instead was four almost-identical scenes in which seven very attractive women spent almost as much time lightly running their fingers over each other”s bodies appreciatively as they did having very polite, very pretty sex with each other. Granted, if I had a body like Shyla Jennings’ in my bed, I’d run my fingers over it appreciatively, too, but that’s not the point. The point is that I was disappointed there wasn’t more hardcore fucking. Not that what I got was bad (well, ok, the acting was, but Prinzzess’s gorgeousness dispatched any worry over that post-haste). It just wasn’t… satisfying. At least, not on a visceral level. I mean, sure, I got off. And I’m sure you will, too. But I kind of wished that when I’d gotten off there’d been some leather or edge-play or at the very least some smothering happening in front of me. Nawmsayin?

Girlfriends Films, let me just say that I appreciate what you do. You provide the world with much-needed respectful, beautiful, and very (as far as it goes) tasteful lesbian porn. And I’m glad that  you do. You do it pretty well (albeit sometimes with way too much talking and always, it seems, in the same six or seven rooms, over and over). But can you maybe spice it up a little from time to time? I mean, I like vanilla. Really, I do. It’s yummy, and nothing tops off a root beer float quite like it. But you know what else I like, aside from root beer floats? Whiskey. Straight, no chaser. And women. I love women. I have sex with women. And it ain’t always pretty, much less vanilla. Sometimes even those lovely ladies you hire probably like it a little rough, like I and my lovers do, and if ever there was a chance to dabble in the hard liquor of kinky lesbian sex, the Lesbian Psycho Dramas series is it. So here’s to Volume 7! Let’s hope — wink wink, nudge nudge, gulp gulp — that it’s a bit spicier than the last installment. Bottoms up!

—Miss Lagsalot

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