Directed by Paul Thomas
2 hours 23 minutes
MALES AND FEMALES
Savanna Samson, Mr Marcus, Tyler Knight, Tee Reel, Brooke Banner, Veronica Jett, and Sledge Hammer as Max
I was getting a little sick of the whole reviewing routine: watch movie, make stupid comments about that movie while watching and touching myself, then write up a cute little review of said movie. Kind of gets old after several hundred horny features. So I thought I’d try something new: live-blogging the film! Now, I’m new to this folks, so please forgive the fact that I didn’t remember to put in times for each of these comments. Next time, I promise, you’ll have minute and second marks to fast-forward to for a more full fapping experience, but in the meantime, here’s my running commentary on Savanna’s Been Blackmaled 2 from Vivid:
—All right, I’m ready to get this no-pants party started. I’ve got my bottle of water, my sandwich, and some chips, and I’m in this one for the long haul. I hope I recognize all the performers…
—Oh, wait! What’s this? White letters on a black screen:
One man, two girlfriends, infidelity, revenge.
Mr. Marcus as Robert Hood: The boyfriend and pickup artist
Jill & Amber: The Girflriends (Savanna as Jill and Brooke Banner as Amber)
Max & Felicia: Robert’s Friends (Sledge Hammer as Max, Veronica Jett as Felicia)
—Fantastic, the movie did all the work for me! Nothing I hate more than using my brain during a boner bonanza.
—So this is what’s going on: Both girls (Jill and Amber) are going up to the same place in the elevator. The film cuts to the gardener, Max (as played by Sledge Hammer), who’s raking or something. Sledge looks kind of like Mr. T but with less vest-wearing and jewelry. Actually, no, he looks nothing like Mr. T, he just has that same kind of bat-shit crazy intensity on his face. He is huge and has kind of a gut and looks like he could throw her (Felicia, as depicted by Veronica Jett, who just happens to be hanging out and seducing him while he’s gardening) overhand with one arm for a good twenty feet.
—She’s got great boobies. He has a nice, sturdy-looking shlong. It’s actually too big for her to do much with; she can get her mouth around it but not down very far, which is kind of refreshing to watch. I mean, she tries and all, but it’s still just the tip, really. Poor guy. He must’ve had to go into porn to find women who could fellate and fuck him without tearing tissue.
—Oh! Oh! Oh! My god! His belly button! What… is that a cabbage? An unused sphincter of some kind? Is he a high-powered mutant that can shoot a jet of stomach acid onto the bad guys? Is this going to turn into a B horror flick when she gets going? …should I copyright that idea? I think I should. It’s in writing already, bitches, don’t get yourself up to any tricks!
—Ok anyway, so they’re up against the wall and she’s sucking him off, all bent over at the waist in those giant heels. I think this is an unspoken accomplishment of the porn star: incredibly strong leg muscles. I could never keep myself on my feet in 8-inch stilettos if I were bent over that far. They should have a XXX Games for porn performers! They could test stamina, strength, and sex skills. Oh man, I’m copyrighting that one, too, so don’t get any ideas, you sneaky bastards!
—Anyway. They’re, backing toward the ladder. I like ladder scenes—very acrobatic usually. Wow, it took him like four tries to fit that thing into her little lady parts. She is quite petite; it’s almost disproportionate. This isn’t working on the ladder; he carries her off to a fence, where they fuck for a while and really, that belly button is freaking me out a lot so I’m gonna skip over this scene…
—Now Jill and Amber (such slutty names; isn’t Amber such a slutty name?) are sitting in the waiting room and Jill is all about this guy and talking about him. They suddenly realize they’ve both been dating the same guy.
—“Yes, my dick is your dick,” says Amber. That’s a zinger of a porno line right there, ladies! Well played!
—He’s not at the office, so they go to confront him together at his… Emerald City? Wait. No, no, it’s just a damn house, but it has emerald doors. If a green guy with the huge mustache pops out of the window and pops one in her, life will be so great… Aw, no. No Wizard of Oz whack material here. Alas, it was just a set of ostentatiously eighties LA house doors that could have been ripped off from Judy Garland’s house when she passed. Ah, this is where Robert lives. Bring on Mr. Marcus!
—Mr. Cabbage Button, the gardener, lets them into the similarly mod-art-tastic house, but you can see the gardener and the little chick running off together in the background! Oh, porn, you’re maintaining subplots! Good job!
—The ladies are all pissed off and drinking as Robert arrives. Mmmmm, Mr. Marcus. Sexay. He goes inside as, in the background, there goes the gardener with the little lady again! Teeheehee! Oh, porn, you try so hard!
—Jill and Amber hide as Robert calls both of their phones and leaves identical, “I miss you, baby” messages. As he walks away, Jill pops out and confronts him. He waxes poetic about having missed the way different parts of her anatomy do things to different parts of his anatomy. An undiscovered poetic talent, ladies and gents.
—They get into arguing over how many people he’s fucking, and—oooh, artsy shot of Jill in the shot and Robert in the mirror ! Once again, go porn! Way to be artistically relevant—almost. And there’s a prolonged shot of Mr. Marcus making awkward faces. Hard to imagine a man like that being awkward, but there it is. He starts eating her pussy, but oooh, Amber walks in FTW!!
—Jill: “You know, Robert, denial isn’t just a river in Paris.”
—Jill walks into the other room and starts lecturing over her shoulder about his fear of being alone. Pours two shots, and when she comes out, he’s in the yard fucking Amber. Yowch. I guess that’s what you get for trying to hold a prolonged conversation with someone like Mr. Marcus. Have you met that guy? He is always on.
—Anyway, they fuck out in the yard. Not a particularly inspired performance, not much chemistry, but they’re both very attractive and all that. Anyway, so he comes on her face and stands there for a while as she licks and kisses away at him… You know, most guys in pornos adopt this pose post-money shot. Fists on hips, dick stuck out in front of him, like a super hero. I wonder: is it just a comfortable way to stand as you’re enjoying the aftershocks and watching a woman try to retain her dignity covered in baby batter, or is it more of a Superman pose? An “I am the Master of the Universe” kind of stance? Maybe both?
—Robert comes back in to apologize to Jill, who’s drunk on the couch, and tells her at length about how she and Amber are alike because they’re both smart, funny, and beautiful, and that’s why he’s into Amber, too. But then he goes on to explain that he wants them both because they’re different. Ah, pr0n, you try and you try, and you get so close.
—Jill reveals that she slept with other guys during their relationship, and the flashbacks begin! Nothing like jumping back in time to more sex. And… Wait, Robert and Amber are there… in the flashback? Did this movie just do like actual sci-fi time travel? Oh, snap!
—Well, now Jill’s in her fourth dimensional dreamland where she appears to be having sex with two anonymous dudes in a waiting room of some kind. I feel as if a bit of context here might be useful. Is he a doctor? A shrink? How coercive! They’re both black. How subversive! Or the weird racialist opposite of subversive. Anyway… One needs fluffing.
—Flash back to the future, where Jill and Amber are in the bathtub together discussing how they met Robert, and flash back again (this is getting intense. I hope a spaceship/time travel machine appears in the bathtub soon!). They all—the girls in lingerie, of course, cause that’s how we dress after we have shared bath time in our cheating boyfriend’s house—go back in time to when Robert was with Jill and Amber cheated on him with his best friend Ted. Robert gets quite angry about Ted fucking Amber.
—And now it’s Amber and Ted’s time to shine! He’s black, too. These ladies love the chocolate loving. So how would we combine “blacksploitation” with “sexploitation”? Blexsploitation? I like it. It rolls off the tongue nicely. (Copyrighting that, too, so back off, motherfuckers!) Haha, speaking of which, he’s eating her out. They go at it, quite callisthenically, for some time before he delivers a load to her internal organs.
—The ladies now go about seducing Robert, of course. I’m glad there’s a happy ending.
—You know, I’ve been considering this for a while and although I know it’s a solid standby of modern porn, I have to admit it: I don’t particularly enjoy the way reverse cowgirl looks. It kind of makes the woman look like an alien or bug or something—the angles just aren’t right.
—Anyway on to anal with Jill as Amber oversees the proceedings. He starts in on Amber and finishes on Jill’s face. In porn law, does that mean she wins the guy? I think it might: perhaps Whack! should fund a film called Judge Jubblies in which an honorably stacked star will wear a high-necked frock that doesn’t quite cover her ass and pass judgment down upon porn stars trying to settle disputes. In this one, Jill would win Robert’s undying love and affection and Amber would be sent packing (except for the occasional threesome, of course), because Jill won the coveted Load of Love, and in porn, that’s all you need.
—Ok, so bottom line, that threesome wasn’t as good as it could’ve been. You folks know I love fapping to girl-on-girl, and this threeway just didn’t have as much of it as I’d hoped. The movie in general was like that—not much chemistry, but hot ho’s and studly stunt cocks abounded, and the trying-to-be-a-real-movie attempts were endearing. So, all around, if I were Judge Jubblies, I’d bang my gavel and declare this one a solid, if not particularly sexy, win for Vivid. Good job, folks. —Miss Lagsalot